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Advice Please!!!
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ashleycraig18 posted:
Hey everybody, I hardly ever post on here anymore but I was a big webmd community person when I was pregnant with my now 2 year old. What brings me back is I have an issue that I really needs others opinions on.

Here's the background

My MIL lives about an hour and 15 minutes away from us, she has seen my DD probably averaging once a month since she was born (she is 2), if that. They are not close and my daughter just recently started showing signs of remembering her and enjoying her. My MIL is great with her grandkids and she is used to having my SIL's two girls all of the time, over night, on the weekends, etc. Well, my DD hardly ever spends the night anywhere except home. Occasionally she stays at my mom's house overnight but my mom lives 10 minutes away and she is my DD's best bud. My DD is a HUGE mama's girl and we are hardly ever apart. I do work full time so she goes to daycare along with my SIL's two girls, that she is close with.

My MIL has recently started asking me if she could take Audrey for the weekend, which I have not been comfortable with at all. #1 because she hardly knows her, #2 because she has never been to her house and would wake up confused, #3 because she lives so far away. My MIL asked if she could have Audrey if she had my SIL's two daughters as well, since they are close I figured 2 nights should be okay. Well now she is wanting to pick up all the girls on Friday from daycare (I drop her off at , then bring them back monday afternoon/evening. That means I would not see my DD for 4 days.

I worry about her feeling abandoned, worried about if she will ever get to go home, and if she will be sad without me (HUGE mama's girl).

I also worry that I will not be able to handle it. When she stays with my mom I am there to pick her up first thing the next day. I really enjoy my daughter, I love being with her, and I don't have any reason for her to be gone for four days.

I am having a really hard time deciding if I should let her go or not, Im worried about traumatizing her, scaring her, or her being upset in any way.

I am also worried about the fact that I am 21 weeks pregnant with my son and the emotional stress I am feeling just thinking about it worries me. I know I will be a total mess while she is gone and I don't want it to affect my growing baby.
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Jackie03291 responded:
My honest opinion would be to let her go. Four days is really not a long time and the best way for her to foster a good relationship with your MIL is to let them spend time together. Her cousins will be there and you just might be surprised and just how well she does. It will also give you a nice little break and a chance to relax. As much as we love our kids, it doesn't hurt to get a break every once in a while from them. And just remember it is really only a little more than an hour away, so it wouldn't be a huge problem to have to go pick her up if she really has a break down.

I think that kids, especially by this age, need to start learning some independence. It's good that she goes to daycare, but remember soon will be the days when she will be invites to sleep overs and birthday parties and things like that. Do you want to have the little girl who always has to be picked up in the middle of the night from a sleepover because she can't sleep away from home?!

My daughter is 3 and she has already stayed over at her grandma's about 7 hours away from an entire week over the summer and had a blast and she doesn't even get to see this grandma once per month, maybe once every couple of months if she is lucky.

I say let her go, just relax about it, if she has a problem you can easily go pick her up. She will be fine, she will more than likely have fun and you can get some much need peace and quiet because soon you will have another little one to share your time with. I am currently 22 weeks pregnant with my second little girl, and I wouldn't hesitate for a second if a grandparent wanted to spend time with her, because I want her to value those relationships and those special times. Best of luck!
Jackie (27) Bryan (34) Ava 10/14/08 Baby Girl Due 5/4/11
 
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jlynnpaine responded:
Personally, I would not agree to 4 days. Maybe one or two days, but not more than that. For one thing, it will be her first time staying with your MIL and that alone is overwhelming enough. To stay for that long I think would be REALLY hard on her.

For another, I think if it was me, I'd miss her too much. You work full time so the weekends and evenings are the only time you get to see her. That means that you won't get any time with her that weekend at all. I would recommend a compromise. Let her pick her up from daycare if you think your DD would be comfortable with that. If you don't think she will, then you could bring her to MIL's house that afternoon/evening. Then you go pick her up either Saturday or Sunday depending on what you feel comfortable with.

Start small. You don't want it to scare her so that she doesn't want to go back to MIL's again. There will be plenty of time for more sleepovers in the future and she could have longer ones as she gets older.

To give you an example, my DD has seen my parents nearly every day of her life. They live next door and my mom watches her while we work. She stays overnight with them once every 6 months or so. However in October, DH and I went on vacation for 8 days. It was SO hard on my DD for us to be gone for that long. It was hard on us too. So I really feel that for your DD where she doesn't know your MIL very well and has never been to her house, four days is just too long.

Try not to stress. I know how hard it is to have them gone overnight. My DH and I always are in such a rush to go pick DD up when she stays overnight with my parents so I completely understand.
Jodi (27) DH (24) Shaelynn (2)
 
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orin34 responded:
I am lurking from 1 year old boards but your story called to me.
I have the MIL from hell and she has been demanding overnights since he was two weeks old. Like you, I am close with my mom and my son does overnights there and has seen my parents at least once a week sometimes more. He sees my MIL once every couple weeks and every time it is a BIG headache because of her outrageous demands and her inability to listen (case and point: she asked if I was busy tomorrow because she wants to see DS and I told her that I was busy and DH was working so I couldn't. She then proceeded to ask if we could do dinner and if DH was working... after i just told her no and already gave that info on DH.Then she asked what time dinner would be.....??? ).
I agree that your MIL will never get to know her unless she spends time with her, but four days is entirely too much. I would do one night just to see how it goes.
I am waiting for my son to get to the point where he enjoys my MIL's company before I let him spend the night. He has always hated her even as an infant and the last time he saw her he didn't want anything to do with her and the time before that he actually hit her. I have guarded my feelings towards her in an effort to not bias him in any particular way, but when DH is to the point where he can't stand her I don't see why I am the one who has to make the effort.
 
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Shawnsgirl0705 replied to orin34's response:
My son is 2 and he used to only see my mother every few weeks so even when I left him with her for an hour he would freak out. My mother started asking if he could sleep over so this is what we did..............I left him with her over night but only for one night. I would drop him off around 5pm and pick him up at 9am. I did that one night a week and after about a month or so he didnt fuss anymore when I dropped him off. In fact he fell in love with his grandma and enjoys her like crazy now. Now he can stay with her for 2 nights no problem. I would not suggest your daughter staying with MIL for 4 days. Thats over half the week. If you were to do that Id do it just once a month. That way you have that one weekend a month to yourself. But I wouldnt do that without transistioning them first.


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