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Do %22Problem Children%22 really Exist?
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Shimoko posted:
So the question is, do you really think that there is such a thing as a ?problem child? or ?bad seed?? A lot of people like to blame parents for their chidlren?s bad behavior, but is it truly just because of that, or do you think that there is a genetic or physical componant to it? I guess I?m just sort of worried about it, since I?ve seen really awful parents with awesome children and pretty awesome people with really horrible-acting children?is it all just a a crapshoot?
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mommytoaidanandtyler2 responded:
I often wondered the same thing. I always thought it was genetics AND phsyical. I have 1 bio brother, 2 1/2 brothers, and a 1/2 sister. 1 brother I have no clue about, he is from my Dads 1st marriage and they moved across the state. ANYWAY. My other brothers and sister all have addiction problems. Both brothers have been in and out of jail, my sis was in an abusive relationship for nearly 15 years. My bio brother is finally starting to pull himself together. My other bro is still in jail, and my sis drinks WAY to much even after leaving dirt bag. Both my brothers started hanging with the "wrong" crowd. My sis was super shy so the first guy that paid attention to her she married. Me on the other hand did run with some "rough" people and did my fair share of illegal things, but I met my DH who helped me stay out of that stuff. I still struggle, but I have a good life. I still get "urges" but never act because I would lose everything. So I really think genetics has alot to do with the addiction part of it but as long as you have a good support group, phsyical part, you can tame those addictions. I believe alot of the good kids that come from horrible backgrounds want to better themselves and the bad kids with awsome parents I believe are rebeling. Seeing my brothers do what they did sorta made me want to better myself and having great parents also made me rebel a bit.
 
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2boysmom1981 responded:
I guess it depends how you define a "problem child" . PP made great points about the genetic component to addiction, I think that is definately true. If you are just talking behavior and personality. I think that its definately a combination of nature and nurture. One thing you also need to remember is that sometimes when you see a family you are just seeing a :"snapshot" of what their life is like. Who really knows what these "awesome" people are like as parents behind closed doors? Same goes for these "awful" parents? KWIM? I know I am not really answering your question...so I guess I will try to now. In general no, I don't really believe any child is born "bad". Some kids have more challenging personalies and tempermants, some kids are super easy going each parent needs to find the "right" way to nurture their child, which is definately not the same for everyone. Some parents probably do a better job than others, but its impossible to judge anyone's situation with out living it. I know I have kinda just rambled on but I hope I made some sort of sense..
 
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Tara44406 responded:
I do think there can be a problem child. I look at my twins, and they're like night and day. Wyatt will play by himself, be minding his own business, Ethan will go up and be mean to him, pushing, hitting him in the back, etc. Wyatt, for the most part is loving and loves giving hugs and kisses, says I love you all the time, and Ethan.... gives evil looks, is mean often times, etc. Don't get me wrong- Ethan is a lover too- but WE usually have to initiate that. We give him hugs and kisses, tell him what a good boy he is, and always talk positively to him. They are treated the same, yet are TOTALLY DIFFERENT personalities!! lol Another example is my brothers- they're 10 and 14 years younger than me, so I remember how they were when they were little. The older one was VERY content doing his own thing, loved to color, draw, read, etc. the younger one... OH MAN!! My mom used to think he was from the deviil himself. (she NEVER said that when he could hear though!!) She felt AWEFUL that she couldnt' think of anything nice to tell him- he was just MEAN!! You'd ask for a hug, he'd hug you, step back, smile, and then RAM his head into your face! Stuff like that all the time! he would NOT listen- she had a glass table with brass stuff on it, and she didn't beleive in putting anything up for kids- they need to learn to respect other people's things. Well, I remember one day, he kept pushing one of the brass pieces, and she'd tell him to leave it alone. He'd TOUCH it again. She'd tell him again. 3rd time he did it, she slapped his hand, he smiled, did it again, then she pulled him away, he came right back, did it again, she spanked, he smiled, and then... with one quick SWOOP of his arm, cleared off EVERYTHING on the table! That was when she decided she would put eveyrthing up! lol He did this stuff all the time, and they are completely different now too, at 22 and 26, but the younger one is NOTHING like he was. He turned out to be a good kid! :wink: So... I do think that genetically, or whatever has something to do with it, but I do think they can be steered in the right direction, and praise, praise, praise the positive that is done- EVERY SINGLE TIME! :wink: My mom cried all the time about what she was going to do with him- that she couldn't handle it anymore, but woudln't send him to daycare cuz she was afraid someone would abuse him- being how he was! A child only a mother could love I guess. lol So... I guess I would suggest saying and thinking positive and be strict with discipline- mean what you say, and say what you mean, and be CONSISTANT. be careful about even saying things like "you're mean", but instead maybe say, 'I dont like how you're acting right now" or whatever. Don't put any thoughts in his head of what you might think he IS. KWIM? Good luck, and I think all will turn out ok in the end. :wink:
 
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x822x responded:
I think everything comes into play. We absolutely have a huge hand in how they handle situations, make decisions, etc. Genetics do play some role as well. Like PP said some people are predisposed to some addictions and other behaviors. But you do have the opportunity to teach them how to make great decisions, even when they have some tendencies. Like PP said it's the will to change and do better than what they grew up with. Others use it as a reason to give up. Antisocial tendencies or behaviors can be both learned and inherent. Unfortunately we don't always have the tools we need to combat the behavior, but that doesn't mean it's not out there somewhere. Sorry I can't burry my inner psychologist when topics like this come up :goofy: It's the whole nature vs. nurture thing and I think both come into play.
 
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oldies60 responded:
I feel a child is sometimes influenced by his or hers surroundings. Also guidance by parents and people around them in there formative years. I believe that there is no such thing as a bad seed. A child will mimic what they see and here and if there is no intervention they feel and think this is normal behavior such as tantrums, screaming, yelling and so forth. And then when they are removed from the situation they will have a hard time adjusting to the situation. I believe it is how it is handled,you can work them or let them go there own way.
 
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Loel_Tabasa responded:
Nope... NO SUCH THING AS PROBLEM CHILDREN... What we have instead are PROBLEM PARENTS! In this sickening Political Correct world we live in, wherein Parents refuse to discipline, where Parents would rather be "friends" than parents to their kids, it is very evident which children are raised by whom.. We can clearly see spoiled rotten kids raised by "friends" running around, screaming, hanging out with shady old men , throwing temper tantrums in the mall and supermarket, bossing their "friends" like the dumb slaves that they are... I actually laugh whenever I see such behavior in children.. I have seen well behaved kids who are raised by "parents" such as ours who are disciplined, well-mannered.. Sure they screw up now and then, but not to the point of being out of control and creating a hillarious scene at the mall.
 
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seeit2 responded:
...sigh....I think this whole thread is a case of someone from another board just trying to stir the pot...does this really have to be "what the question is?"
 
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DidiToo responded:
Looking at the question from purely a factual point of view, I think we can all come up with examples of families where multiple kids have the same parents, raised under the same parenting, and going to the same schools, living in the same neighborhood...and you look at them and wonder how they all could have turned out so differently. For a Ted Kaczynski, you have a law-abiding brother who was willing to turn him in to save people's lives. So, it can seem like a crapshoot sometimes. Parents can do all the right things and have a petulant terror. Parents can be incompetent and somehow, their child turns out fine. And, you can have situations like my SIL, who was an impossible teenager, hanging with the wrong crowd, no career ambitions - she didn't bother taking the SAT and only attended a local community college when my FIL enrolled her. And now, she is a sweet person, a responsible parent and has a career as a teacher. I guess my point is, I do believe that everyone is born with certain personality traits. I also believe that parenting matters, either in the short run or long run. I think that parents who raise their children with firm, respectful, loving discipline will have a better shot and having kids who, as adults, are compassionate, caring and responsible. Parents who raise their kids with disrespectful, demeaning discipline will be more likely to raise children who, as adults, cannot communicate with others respectfully and demonstrate no compassion for others. And parents who forego discipline entirely will be more likely to have children who, as adults, are frustrated by limits and cannot conform to society's expectations. But as long as there is human free will, you will find cases of people who defy the odds either way. :wink:
 
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catlover1957 responded:
ah, it's the old nature vs nurture......it's a little of both.
 
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zoesmuse3 responded:
no. Although we all have different genetics, it's how we, as parents, deal with the various personality traits, that matters. Two children growing up in the same household but with different outcomes occur because people are different. A parent must use different stragedies for different children. A child with a genetic switch for obesity or addiction must be dealt with differently than a sensitive or aggressive child. I found this little post while I was updating my sig. I realize I usually don't post here. Sure was a neat question. :) zoe
 
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im4shoes77 responded:
I don't believe in Problem children, No child id BAD some are more outgoing and more active than others. I agreee that parenting has a lot to do with it. As far as it being the fault of the parents, in some respects I think that is true, in other respects some children need to to be talked to more stearnly (not yelled at) and need to be made to sit in one place and on occassion that means sitting somewhere Screaming. I have that son, and as a parent I find it very difficult to do what I need to do with my 2 yr old to make him behave when people in the same room are staring and talking about me. I know they want me to take him out if the room or outside, unfortunatly that is exactly what he wants too so by doing so I am giving in to him and making it worse. So I think it would be great if the people who think we have bad kids would lighten up and let us parent, not have to worry about what others think.
 
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peridot78 responded:
Now that is a tough question. I have seen what my family has gone through, an alcoholic parent and the other worked full time but made plenty of time for us girls plus we had a grandparent around. My two sisters had kids & married by age 21. My eldest sister( we don't get along btw) is an entirely different person from me & my other sister. Let's just say that as soon as her kids could walk and talk she kind of checked out and left them undisciplined. I love each the same and they are not terrible kids but one has a temper and the other is a teen father. My other sisters kids are very different personalities form each other. My nephew is in mid-teens and causing enough trouble for his parents while his sister is school minded and focused. I believe that a lot of this 'bad seed' stuff is based upon the individuals personality & characteristics and also what we inherit from our parents and grandparents. But, it also has a lot to do with how we are raised & the influences outside the home. Adults in my generation are different than my parents generation. We are raising kids who want for nothing, get whatever they ask for & have worse attitude problems than we did at that age. You never saw teens walking around school with a cell phone when I was a kid. We didn't need it. We also didn't have flat screen tv's in our bedrooms with surround sound and 3 different video game systems. We played Atari & then later, the original nintendo in the living room. We had limits set & if you smart mouthed your parents you were grounded immediately or smacked upside the head! Which by the way in this day and age those little brats can sue! Sueing has become the national past-time and it makes me sick. When I fell and skinned my knees on someones driveway my mom put on a band-aid and sent me back outside to play. Now, a mom will sue for her child being a child and getting a boo boo. Thank goodness I am not having kids b/c I would go insane.
 
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jpaskon2 responded:
I have to believe that how a child turns out is a direct result of its surroundings and caregivers - be it parents, daycare workers, etc.. I believe that people or children "act out" or behave as what one might consider a "problem child" - as a reaction to something - not because they are inherently evil. This is, of course, after ruling out any medical issues such as autism or depression or any other kind of mental disorder. I consider myself a good parent and I am being very challenged by my 2 yo right now - he fights me on EVERYTHING. Plus he punches and kicks me too. But it's my job to make him understand that that behavior is completely unacceptable. It's hard and I hate punishing him, but I'm his mom and it's my job. If I didn't correct his behavior, he would grow up thinking hitting and punching is okay - and everyone on the outside would STILL think I'm a good parent, right? They would just assume that he's an inherently bad boy or he's got something wrong. NO - no the case at all - it would be MY fault for not modifying his behavior and setting expectations.
 
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catmarmey responded:
I don't believe that children are born as bad seeds. I do believe, however, that disruptions during development can cause a child to be born with behavioral problems. There are many teratogens (toxic substances to the human body) that are ingested by the mom (and sometimes the dad) that cause development problems, especially in the brain since this is the organ that is developing from day 1 to even after birth. The most widespread teratogen is alcohol. When a mother drinks alcohol while pregnant, the migrating cells in the brain are disrupted causing effects that range from mild to severe . . . mental retardation. This would be considered a BIRTH DEFECT and not a "problem child" or "bad seed." Other toxins that a mother ingests during pregnancy that can cause defects in the development of the unborn include tobacco and drugs (legal and illegal). Many pregnant women are told by their doctors that it is okay to drink beer and wine in moderation while they are pregnant, but this is not okay. Even one drink can cause damage. Could be why we find in the bible a reference to not drinking while pregnant.


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