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Advice Needed
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An_222562 posted:
I know I'm posting Anonymously, but I wanted to. I want your honest opinions - my SO wants to have more kids, but I'm not so sure.

I'm a mommy of 4 wonderful kids. My SO has a job, a stable job where he makes good money but I have no job. It would be pointless for me to get a job cause what I would pay in daycare would take my entire paycheck, cause my job would be something like working at McDonalds.

My oldest kid is in elementary and my youngest is just now starting to crawl, and we barely make it by every month.

My SO loves kids and has said many times that he wants a big family, he's mentioned to me that he wants 5 kids but I'm not so sure I want 5. I was perfectly happy with 3. I'm also not sure he doesnt just love babies, so he keeps wanting to have kids to keep them in that baby stage? I don't know what to do. So do you think we should have more, I know its a personal question but you gals tend to give good advice from all different points.
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FarmWife1979 responded:
Do you have 3 or 4 kids? In one part you say 4, in another paragraph you say 3.

Regardless, I would say that if you are barely making ends meet and you have already cut your expenses down to the bare minimum (cut off cable, cut off expensive cell phone plans, shop for groceries/consumables at the discount stores (Aldi, Save a lot, dollar stores, wal-mart, fred's, etc), then you probably cannot afford the expense of having another child. Don't put yourself in a position to where you cannot support yourselves.

If you are happy where you are at, then stay there.
Holly (31) DH (38) DD (3-born 11/16/07). Full-time working Mom, Wife, Library Board President, Chef, Chauffer, Maid, Toy Assembler and Repair Technician, and Chief Boo-Boo Kisser.
 
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Kimmy1545 replied to FarmWife1979's response:
She has 4 but said that she was happy when they only had 3.


I agree with PPer. 4 kids IS a big family. If you are struggling with expenses with 4 kids I would not add another baby to the family.
 
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MrsWhiteCastle responded:
I read the post to mean that she has 4 kids, but would have been happy stopping at 3.

I agree with PP. If it were me, and we were just making it by every month, I wouldn't add any more expenses into the mix. I would feel like I was taking away from what my kids have. Where would the extra money come from for another baby?

If you really don't feel like you are done, I would wait. Once more of the kids were in school, daycare expenses would go down. Maybe at that point, if you BOTH wanted to have another one, you could afford it.
Emily (5) Elizabeth (3)
 
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cinder44 responded:
I wouldn't have any kids that I thought I couldn't afford. We waited until I thought we were set then DH lost his job when I was 7 mos preggo with twins. Needless to say we weren't set. We survived & thankfully he has found another great job. The point of the story is I might have considered having another child if he hadn't lost his job but due to our circumstances I chose to get my tubes tied & we are done!
Me, DH, DD(3), DS(3) - twins
 
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ambern99 responded:
I agree with PPs. If you might want another wait until more of your kiddos are in school in order to help safe there. I had a similar experience to Cinder's, DH and I were both working good jobs so I thought everything was set then I lost my job when I was 7 months preggo. We had to cut back a lot and there is no way I would add more stress onto the situation by adding another LO to the pot. Luckily I finally have found a new job but will still need to wait 2-3 years at least to get some debt paid off and get some money back in ours savings before thinking of another one.
 
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sarah0323 responded:
Lurking...

I'll give you my honest opion and you can take it for what it is worth. I have 5 children (DD12, DS 7, DS 5, DS 4, DD 3months). I was also happy when we just had 3. I felt that I was done but my SO wasn't. He really wanted one more. I finally said OK. After I had the 4th I knew I was done. He had a vasectamy. Well 3 years later I came up PG. I changed my OB because I wanted to have my tubes tied. Towards the end I decided not to have it done right after delivery but wait 6 weeks. Right after I had her my SO told me that maybe we should try for another miracle. I knew I was done and I had my tubes tied. I will tell you that to me 4 kids is a big family.

It is tight at our house. I work full time and my SO receives a disability check. I know how to make things stretch. I shop at Aldi's, Sam's and Walmart most of the time. I love my kids but I know that right now they don't get everything they want. They have the most important things (food, shelter, clothing etc.). The one thing that I feel they miss out on is one on one time with me. I try to make sure that each gets some everyday. Sometimes it is just when they are doing homework, or helping me clean up after dinner. I know for me having a fifth child has added expenses that we weren't really prepared for example a bigger vehicle and at this point maybe even needing a bigger house. Along with the bigger vehicle and the bigger house is bigger basic expenses more gas for the vehicle and higher utlilites. I haven't had to cut out all the extra's (cabel,cell phones etc.) yet but it may come to that.

I too think that my SO really liked the baby stage. I finally told him that I am done. If he wants more children then he was going to have to find someone else to have them because I wasn't.

You have to do what you feel is right. I do love my youngest but some days it is pushing us finacially to the breaking point. I more than likely will try to find a 2nd job just so I don't feel so overwhelmed and we can have some "extra" money.
 
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mommytoaddi replied to sarah0323's response:
You have to consider you might end up with twins as well...so 4 could always turn into 6:-) I stopped at 2 because thats what we could finacially afford and I didn't want to be selfish and have more just to fullfil my need I wanted to be able to give my all to the two I had. Its a personal choice as to what you think you can handle...for me it was two:-)
Me almost (30) DH 37 DD Addison Rosemary will be 3 Febuary 21st and DS Avery Michael John 8/17/10
 
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phoenix31674 responded:
Well, we have stopped at 2 - in part because we are older (36 with a 4 month old), but in part because we feel that we are able to adequately provide for two without giving everything up. i am able to stay at home with them.

Unfortunately with kids finances as well as the love you can give them have to come into play. You need to evaluate your lifestyle and what it's going to cost to raise your kids. also keep in mind that you need to be planning for your retirement as well taking of the kids in the present (college funds for them are nice, but they will have an entire working career to pay of any loans whereas the longer you wait to plan for retirement, the less likely you are to be able to retire - especially since I would not count on Social Security being around - if it is, you won't be getting full benefits because i don't see Congress getting off their collective butts to figure out how to pay for it).

Since you are barely making it now, it does not seem that having a 5th is a sound financial decision. Even once you get a kid out of expensive diapers, there are new expenses such as school supplies, extra-curricular activities, more gas because of having to get to all these activities.

Take a look at what else you can give up, but is it fair to bring another child in when it might lower everyone else's quality of life? Granted most of them will be too young to remember 'how it was before #5', but would you have guilt if deciding to have another one causes you to have to give up something like the family vacation, the occasional meal out or trip to the movies or some other family activity. It's not a good idea to go into having a child with the 'we'll figure it out once s/he is here' mentality.

I do agree that you need to talk to him about why he does want another. I know babies are cute and all, but just from my personal experience, it's mom that does the brunt of caring for the baby and the exhaustion that comes with it. Dads tend to stick with the fun part of playing with the baby and dealing with the happier times. Definitely have a very serious discussion about finances since that is a big part of your doubt.


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