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Oldest DD
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sarah0323 posted:
My oldest DD father hasn't been in the picture in a long time. He actually hasn't been since she was 3 weeks old and she is almost 13. My SO has basically been her dad since just before she turned 3 so for the last 10 years. My oldest DD asked me last night if daddy could adopt her so she could have the same last name as the other kids. We talked about it some more so I know that it just isn't about having the same name as her brothers and sisters. This also isn't the first time that she has brought it up. She currently has my last name.

I have always answered her questions as honest as I can about her bio dad. He choose to not be involved in her life. I have never talked bad about him.

At what age do you go by what they want to do? To me this is a huge decision. She really does have a good head on her shoulders and makes rational decisions. I am going to make an appointment with a lawyer to talk to him some more about pro and cons. She is insistent though that she wants daddies name and his name as her dad on her birth certificate.

If we do have him adopt her we will finally get married after living in "sin" for 10 years. We just do everything backwards.

Do you ladies have any thoughs?
Me 33, DD - O 12, DS1 -J 7, DS2 - Cr 6, DS3 - Co 4, DD2 - E (11/10)
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naggingwife74 responded:
I would say that if your dd and your dbf both want to do that then you should go for it. There is probably something that makes your dd feel a little different around her brothers and sisters and this may help fill that gap that might be there. I am sure she doesn't realize what the feeling is but it might feel like something is missing for her.

She must love your dbf like a father and he must feel the same about her so why not do it? I think it is a great idea if it is what everyone wants.
 
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crunk05177 responded:
I don't know much about this but I have a friend who wanted her husband to adopt her daughter. She had to have the bio father sign something giving up his rights. Well when she contacted him he decided he wanted to have a relationship with his daughter. To make a long story short, she wanted child support if he was going to meet her and see her, he paid for a little while, then stopped seeing her and decided it was too much and eventually gave up his rights (add lots of drama in between all those events). Her story turned out to have a happy ending BUT it opened up a large can of worms and that year or so was very rough on everyone.

I think it would be very sweet and definitely fill a void but do you think there is any way something like this could happen to you guys?
Me (28), DH (30), DS1 - Michael (4) and DS2 - Nathan (1 - severe peanut allergy and an egg allergy)
 
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sarah0323 replied to crunk05177's response:
Crunk...I honestly think that is my biggest fear.
Me 33, DD - O 12, DS1 -J 7, DS2 - Cr 6, DS3 - Co 4, DD2 - E (11/10)
 
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VicsEandJ responded:
My sister went throught his weith her son. WHen she met her now ex husband and htey got married and had a child, my nephew anted to have the smae last name as everyone lese in the family. My ex-BIL did nto adopt him, I don't relaly knwo why. But beucs nephew's bio-dad was apyign child supoort- though he hadn't seen him in many years at that point- it's alogn complicated story- my sister had to get his permission to chnage nephew's naem. He agreed, reluctantly.

If you are worried by bio-dad's repsonse and he is not paying child support and has no custody, maybe start by looking into just changing her name. This may be a good route to go too if he is paying support and still has a legal say in decisions about her, since it will allow you to test the waters with bio-dad in a less threatening way, if you think he''s inclined to be threatened by it despite his current noninvolvement. Your SO could always adopt her once she's 18.

Good luck! The kicker for my family is that my sister and all her kids have ex-BIL's last name but rarely ever see him!
 
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ryanandleigh responded:
A former co-worker had her husband adopt her daughter at around that same age. It was her DD's choice. Her bio-father hadn't been in the picture at all and agreed to it.

My brother also signed away his rights to his daughter so she could be adopted by his ex's husband.

I think a conversation with an attorney is a good idea so you know what to expect and what can be done and how.
Leigh, Jacen (6), Alexa (3)
 
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crunk05177 replied to ryanandleigh's response:
I think a conversation with an attorney is a good idea so you know what to expect and what can be done and how.

Completely Agree!!! I like to try and have a positive attitude but I always like to be careful and check out all my options first....
Me (28), DH (30), DS1 - Michael (4) and DS2 - Nathan (1 - severe peanut allergy and an egg allergy)
 
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VicsEandJ responded:
You could also speak with someone in the clerk'soffice at family court to point you in the right direction. Different states have different rules about exaclty what is needed to adopt, particularly if her bios dad's name is not on her birth certificate. They can also point you in the direction of a good lawyer if you don't know one.

Good luck


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