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Frustrated and looking for an entrance
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HathNoFury posted:
Hi. First time poster :> Just joined yesterday. I was googling some things about blended families and got hooked reading you guys. What a great community. Maybe someone has been through what I am facing and can help me.

I have to LO's (still figuring these abbreviations) with an ex. My ex's wife is very frustrating. She lies about me to her family, his family, my family, MY CHILDREN, and random strangers. Not a week goes buy that I do not hear these horrible things about myself. The most recent is that the LO's are having paternity tests because I admitted that I wasn't sure if they are his. I will honestly admit that there was one man with whom I shared intimacy three times. This was after my ex said, "I don't care who has your body. It means nothing to me. I just want your heart. Go be with who ever you want, just don't let me walk in on it." I had already had my oldest and my daughter was not conceived until 6 months afterwards. I have been accused of Munchausens Syndrome by Proxy, of not putting seat-belts on my kids, of not feeding them, and just about everything else.

I have been dealing with the rumors, lies and immaturity of this woman since they became a couple. I have tried to talk to her, email her, text her, and bribe her to get along with me. I have taken her to lunch, done co-parenting day trips, invited them to my house on holidays so they kids would have all of their parents there, and not defended myself so it wouldn't start a fight. Does anyone know how I could get through to her so we can have an honest conversation and maybe try to repair all the damage that's been done?

This is no way for my children to live.
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FCL responded:
I think you're trying too hard to be nice to her. I would ignore her and avoid doing anything with them as a couple (or with him on his own).

Have you considered that perhaps you make her uncomfortable by setting up co-parenting day trips (no offence intended but doesn't that rather confuse your children?) and inviting them? Maybe she just wants to be their stepmother in her own home and not feel obliged to be pulled into your life. Perhaps this is just her (rather clumsy) way of trying to push you away and cut the ties?

I think you may have to accept that you might never have a good relationship with her. The only two solutions I can suggest is to either ignore the stories she's spinning and stop all contact with her and see if the stories stop or tell her that if she doesn't stop telling such appalling lies about youi that you will sue her for slander (and be prepared to follow through).

What does your ex say about the stories?
 
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Lainey_WebMD_Staff responded:
Welcome to our community! You can find some great support on WebMD. If you join a couple communities, you will get a broad range of opinions. I understand that in a perfect world, getting along with your ex and his new wife would be wonderful. Unfortunately, it is rare ex-spouses get along at all. Unless the ex-spouse and new wife wish to work through it, you might have to except only a truce. Express your concern about her behavior when they are both in front of you with no children around to hear. You don't have to go in great detail but let them know you are aware and concerned. I just hope that the new wife's gossip isn't done around any children.
 
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HathNoFury replied to FCL's response:
Actually, the kids love the trips. But we have not done one i over 2 years.

I have just realized that all of these problems rapidly increased when she got pregnant. That's when it suddenly went from distrust to hostile.

I know its odd for an ex wife to try and get along with a current wife, but all I care about is what works for the kids. It was the kids idea to ask their Dad to go places and do things with us. We, the 4 of us, discussed it openly one day and tried it because it was what the kids wanted. It went well the first 7 or 8 trips, but then she announced she was expecting and the truce was over.
 
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Lainey_WebMD_Staff replied to HathNoFury's response:
I don't think that it's odd of your wish to get along. I think that divorce happens because you can't get along. Add to this, another women who might feel intimated with your past relationship. I truly understand your desire to work things out. Your first post covered all efforts on your part. You can continue to try. But it is clear the new wife is not happy with you.
 
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FCL replied to HathNoFury's response:
I don't think it's odd to want to get along with her - I just wish it happened more often :) Kudos to you!
 
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An_222182 replied to HathNoFury's response:
Ummm its not odd at all for a current wife and ex wife to try and get along. I dont know who told you that but they are wrong. You should most def try and get along with one another and dont let anyone tell you any different. This isnt about you guys though its about the kids and what would be best for them is for you guys to get along I mean you dont have to be best friends or anything but you are both adults so grow up be mature and think about whats best for the kids, but now in your situation seems like the ex is not grown up enough to make this work so I would just leave it alone dont talk ill of her, and be as polite as possible they are her children maybe shes jealous, but you need to just be the bigger person in this situation the kids will respect you when they get older for this.
 
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UnShakeable replied to An_222182's response:
For so reason my Account would not let me log in, so I had to create another one. I am the original poster.

Thanks so much! I feel better that there really isn't anymore I can do. I have made the invitation and she rejected it. I cannot force another person to change. If I could have then I wouldn't be divorced.... ;)
 
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Lainey_WebMD_Staff replied to UnShakeable's response:
You are right UnShakeable, no one can force another. You can vent here and I hope you keep us updated.


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