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Need Advice...
An_222185 posted:
I'm having a Bday party for my little girl turning 5 this weekend. She has a friend with an older brother who is mentally challenged. Mom has not been specific, just that he is mentally delayed. He looks normal, rides bikes, swims, etc. He just does not talk, but his comprehension seems to good.

She is a single mom and I have befriended the mom and I like her very much. I often pick up the little girl to play with mine and they get along very well.

Here is my issue: I have invited her over on two occasions and she has brought both kids. The little boy will act fine for a few minutes maybe an hour and then he'll just randomly hit other kids. He has even hit me a few times. Last time he hit one of my other guests kids.

I don't want to offend her and I'd like for her little girl to attend, but I rather the little boy not attend because there are going to be other kids and don't want anyone to get hurt. All kids are 5 and under as young as 2. And I'm 8 months preggers and don't want to be hit, nor ANY of my other guests! Also, if he attends, I will be a nervous wreck. The mom tries to keep track of him, but he's quick to be from nice to mean.

How do I tell her without offending her? I told her about the party and offered to pick her daughter up or have her drop her off. She just replied that she'd be happy to attend and wouldn't want to miss the party.

What words can I use to kindly tell her I'd rather the older little boy not attend?
FCL responded:
The easiest way out would be to say that it's a "girls only" (at age 5 it often is) party with a princess or fairy theme (which it probably will be ...) and that you're sorry but ... :) Heck, having an older boy around, special needs or not, is going to spoil any girlie party.

Why is the mother going to attend anyway? None of the mothers ever attend my daughters' birthday parties (I have twins)... They drop their daughters off and then come back at the agreed time. They do the same for play dates (they're usually only too happy to have their hands a little more free for an afternoon - lol).

How about making invitations to make it more "formal"?
displacedtexan replied to FCL's response:
Originally, it was going to be a Tea Party, but my little girl really wanted to include all the little boys in her class as well. :( So much for all the tea cups I collected and invitations! But it is HER party, not I had to go w/the flow.

I agree, I normally drop my 5 yo off and pick her up promptly while I enjoy some shopping/time "off" while I wait near by to pick her up.

I thought of saying girls only to her, but then backed out because if she decided to join her little girl and leave boy w/daddy, she'd see I'd lied. Plus, I don't like doing that...the only reason I considered it was to avoid hurting her feelings.

I think I'm just going to have to be blunt and say, I cannot and do not want to wait and see if he hits anyone. Unfortunately, he has never proved me wrong on that department. Just a few weeks ago I went over w/my two and as soon as I let my guard down because he was in another room and my little girl was sitting just 2 feet from me, I started talking to another adult. He ran in and hit her on her face and just about knocked her down. I have a BIG issue w/the hitting because I do not spank. I put her in her room for punishment and try to do other forms of punishment. I tell her that I do not hit her and she shouldn't hit her brother, other people, etc. And then I take her somewhere where she gets hit....It bothers me.

But the mom is nice, she's a single mom with a full plate on her hands and I don't want to be like everyone else and shun her because of her boy's condition. It's not fair...

I just hope she understands my view point on this...after all, my responsibility is to keep my kids safe.

Thank you for your help!
FCL replied to displacedtexan's response:
Don't put it quite so bluntly. Don't make HIM the reason you're saying 'no'. Tell his mother quite simply that he was not invited. If she persists, point out that he is not in the age group concerned and if all else fails tell her you are having a birthday party for children that your daughter hand picked and that it would be rude to impose anyone else.

What is a birthday party if you can't invite who you like? I reckon you can do something good with that argument :)

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