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Step daughter is showing signs of jealously.
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cndangeldoll posted:
I have been with my fiancee for almost three years. I have two sons aged 16 and 12. He has two girls aged 13 and 9. We are lucky and have worked through most of our issues by talking and finding compromises. I have never had a problem with either of his girls. They are wonderful, intelligent beautiful young girls. However, the past two or so months the youngest girl ( aged 9 ) is frustrating the beegees out of me.
My man has his girls every second weekend- we live in different towns right now. He can have them anytime he wants actually and he takes advantage of that as much as he can.
I am very conscience of backing up and letting him have as much time with the girls as possible. I thought everything was going splendid.
On weekends that he has the girls, I am not around the Friday, or the Friday night. I am not around on the Saturday, but I am there on the Saturday night. I am there for less than 24 hours, as I leave by @ 11am on the Sunday to come home.
The youngest girl, for lack of better words " couldn't care less that her Dad is around". She plays, and does her thing. Yet, once I show up on the Saturday @ 5pm, she AUTOMATICALLY wants Dad's attention. This wasnt an issue before- at all. We are doing nothing different than we have in the past. However, its like she is trying to assert her dominance as the alpha female when I am present. She has even resorted to tears and the bullcrap " I miss you Daddy". My man feels bad, and falls for it. Its pure manipulation by her. If she has a friend over...she doesnt care if I am around and she is fine. As soon as I leave...she is back to normal and really doesnt care if Dad is around or showing her attention.
I know its not my place to say anything, its his place. However he cannot see through her little manipulation games and actions.
I have brought this to his attention-so far not much has been done.
Why after all these years without a problem...she has a problem? And ONLY when I am present.
HELP!
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Lainey_WebMD_Staff responded:
Hi cndangeldoll,

I understand your frustration. Kids don't always communicate in the most positive ways. The daughter's insecurity is real but her communication is causing the problem. I don't think you are the true problem in the child's life. The daughter is trying to get across something. She might be insecure or concerned that you, or any woman could possibly replace her attention time with her father. Maybe if you let the father know that you will only come over when his children are not visiting or in the late evening when they are asleep, it might encourage him to speak with his daughter.

I have a stepchildren and knowing children will manipulate the situation I still step out. Stepping away will stop the stress you feel and also encourage him to act or not. If he chooses not to act then you know what life will be like if you continue to become serious with him. The father has many options to solve this problem. You have to remember that nonaction is a possible red flag. He might also feel guilty and may not wish to confront this. Please keep us updated.
 
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cndangeldoll replied to Lainey_WebMD_Staff's response:
Thank you for your advice. However, it seems contadictory, that you would say that you dont feel I am the problem, yet then continue to say that she might be insecure that myself or another woman would replace her attention time with her Dad.? Thats just it. Her attention time with her Dad is the same as it always has been, also, she ONLY wants his attention specifically when I am around. Like I said, if she has a friend over playing with her or she is otherwise occupied---she doesnt care if Dad is paying attention to her. Its only when she is ...for lack of better words " bored and nothing to do".
Therefore I feel my point sticks, that she is trying to prove that she is alpha female and its a 'competion game' with me.
I say that I like his beard, she immediately turns to her father and says " Daddy shave your beard".
Do I feel that you are right about him feeling guilty and not wanting to confront it...absolutely. However, at some point, he will have to...if not for our relationship, then most certainly for the mental and emotional well being of his child.
Thanks!
 
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Lainey_WebMD_Staff replied to cndangeldoll's response:
Hi cndangeldoll

You are the target that the daughter has pinpointed for the moment. Any woman in her father's life can become a target. She can also use other things too including; career, activities, or even her own mother as reason (in her mind) why she feels this insecurity. Children are taught how to manipulate by example.

Walking away takes the control and target away. You are communicating to her father that the daughter's insecurities need to be addressed. Parents are in control not their children. When the father is allowing to be manipulated by the child, it isn't the child's fault. It is up to the father to decide the best way to handle this. He might decide to do nothing, which will continue the manipulation. Unfortunately he might like to live in the dark. You can only remove yourself as her target and express your concern.
 
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LeeLou25 responded:
Do you not have any kind of relationship with the girls? After three years wouldnt you be able to set down with his daughter and let her know that you are not there to take the place of her, her sister, or even her mom but you would like to be part of the family and accepted. Everyone has to work togeather and undertand that. When you enter a relationship with someone who has kids you are beginning a relationship with the kids also. Try this website Blendedfamilyfocus.org you may find some more information there. We are a blended family also and it takes alot of work I know.
 
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cndangeldoll replied to LeeLou25's response:
Did you read my original post? I am very close with the girls. The actions and words of my youngest daugther of my heart only started about two months ago.
However as the WebMD said its the fathers place to say these things. And to update, he has. Our last weekend together was awesome. To answer you, in the beginning of our relationship we all sat down and I assurred both girls that I am not here to 'replace' anyone, and will give their mother the upmost respect.
After her Dad talked with her, it came out that it was circumstances and situations at her Mother's household that was affecting her, not I. However, she felt comfortable enough in my love for her to ..for lack of better words " to take it out on me".
Thank you.
 
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FCL replied to cndangeldoll's response:
I'm glad that you got it all sorted out. It must be a huge relief for you!
 
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Lainey_WebMD_Staff replied to cndangeldoll's response:
I am so glad she finally began to open up a bit. It is so difficult to love children and want to help but know it isn't your place. My stepson did the same because his mother was insecure in her relationship with her child and me. Stepping back helps me bring attention to the problem.


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