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Single Dad, two young girls.... help
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chell70 posted:
I am dating a guy who has two young girls 5 and 7. I have older teenagers. In the mornings he either wakes his girls up and brings them in his room or they wake up and come in his bed every single morning. During the week he gives them their clothes for the day, turns on the cartoons and then he goes in to shower and change while they get ready. There is no door between his bedroom and his bathroom and his shower door is clear glass. To date they have never walked in his bathroom. I told him that I think he needs to stop bringing them in his room. First, they need to starting getting up and getting ready in their own rooms, and meeting him after he is ready and they don't need cartoons in the morning till they are ready. Second, I told him they are getting too old in case they come in the bathroom, he needs to start building the idea of privacy. Third, because he does this in the mornings during the week they come in every weekend morning and climb in his bed. wakes him up and he cant go back to sleep and they think it is their right. Every other night they get to start out going to bed in his room too and then he carries them to their own rooms later before he crashes.

Maybe I am being too stuffy here. I loved snuggle time (and still do) with kids, on the couch or in their beds or if they are sick or on special occasions in my bed. I think kids by this age should be learning what is their area and respecting the privacy of the parents area. The oldest is in second grade.

I need some advice. We have been together two and half years, but I have only started coming around in the evenings in the last couple of months and its hard. I have to watch where I change, they come in and wake me or us up in the night and I have to and we have to go to work in the morning. Frustrating. Maybe I am just too used to my kids that are so independent and it has been too long from this stage for me. We are both in our early 40s.

Just a side note. It was a very bad divorce for him and his ex and he works so hard at keeping them happy and wanting to make a good home for them where they feel at home and want to come to "daddy's home" as much as mommy's. The ex is constantly bashing him to the girls, but they seem to have overcome this. I know he loves the time with the girls - they will only be little once, but it seems they are pushing some age issues to me, things that if they are not corrected now will be almost impossible to change later. I just don't know.

Thanks so much,

Confused.....
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fcl responded:
Honestly, if I were you I'd avoid giving him lectures on how to raise his children. He has his style and you have yours. He's doing nothing wrong - he just does things differently from you, that's all, whether it's cartoons in the morning (so he can have peace getting ready) or helping them pick out their clothes. And as for the shower - many families have no problem with nudity. You clearly are not comfortable with nudity but you don't have to participate.

Please, please stop interfering with his parenting style. I realize you've only just realized that things were like this but trying to dictate to someone how to raise their children can seriously damage, or even destroy, a relationship.
 
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Anon_475 responded:
I find this rather a sexist attitude. Do you really think that he is less competent as a parent because his is a man? I don't.

He seems to be dealing quite well with his divorce and is raising happy daughers. Why make waves?
 
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chell70 responded:
I think I was greatly misunderstood here. I happen to think he is a wonderful dad and I currently have no business in his decisions with his children. This is why I asked for help. I may not agree with some decisions, but I am really just a "friend" for now. I don't get a say so in his decisions with his kids. I am honest in that I don't agree with some decisions based on my own experiences, but that doesn't mean its the right decision. That is why I come here for advise. But don't jump down my throat, I am looking for help and guidance not to be put down. I love this man and want things to work....

My concern and reason for questions is that in a "normal" family these decisions are just that - family decisions, but in a divorce it gets really sticky. I am trying to be proactive in not giving his ex any ammo. I want to see him have a long wonderful relationship with his girls and unfortunately this day and age all it takes in the wrong comment from a child and it goes down a road you can't get back up. I think that being more conservative at this point is better. I am not afraid of nudity or anything else, but it seems that there are times when it is not the prudent decision.

So I am open to advice just don't bash me.
 
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mrswhitecastle replied to chell70's response:
It sounds pretty normal to me. My girls are 5 and 6, almost 7. I do the same thing when I shower -- put on cartoons and leave the door open to my bathroom. I feel safer that way, knowing that I can hear them and they aren't getting into trouble. Plus, I'd rather my girls wake me up in the morning when they get up so they aren't getting into anything while I'm sleeping.

I also don't see anything wrong with them snuggling in his bed. Kids are only little for a short time. They will eventually get to an age where they don't want to do it any more. I would let the children lead that, and not put any rules down restricting it.

I don't think these things mentioned would give the ex any "ammo", as you put it. Honestly, (please don't think I'm bashing, I don't mean to) but I think you are giving the ex more "ammo" by having a girl friend spend the night there while the girls are in his custody.
 
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An_243740 responded:
in all honesty i think your a little jealous of his relationship with his girls and you want him all to yourself. if you continue to see this man dont tell him how to raise his children. as long as they are not exposed to anything that can hurt or harm them i think you should stay out of it and it you cant handle it then maybe your the one with the problem not him.
 
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An_243740 responded:
and as for the cartoons come on woman they are children for heaven sakes give him some credit


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