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Can't Handle A Step-Daughter
A_Stepmom_ready2run posted:
I am 27 and just married 10months ago. My husband dropped a bomb
on me shortly before we got married. His 14 year old daughter is coming to live with us once I move to the base with him. I told him right away that I cant handle it right away, this wasnt something we talked about what really upset me that I did not have a say so. My husband is in the army so he is working alot or away so I knew I was going to be left with this child. 2 Weeks after I got here we got her so me saying I cant deal with this right away went right out the window. I tried to make the best of it but the second her dad left the house I was getting her lip. Once he came home she was fine. So I knew from the start she knew what she was doing and had a plan in her head. I tried talking to her and doing stuff with her but nothing changed lippy when her dad wasnt around. My husband does not see it so he thought I was just making it up. So I finally caught her in her own game. My husband finally got to see what I was dealing with when he left the house. I have grounded her but I work. I got laid off and I did not tell her because I knew she was up to something and I was right. She does not care for anyone but her self. My husband and I fight all the time about her treating me like crap but nothing ever comes out of it. We have talked about us having a baby soon but his daughter has made comments about hurting the baby and she doesnt want to be around IT. So I just told her she will have nothing to do with any baby of ours, wont even be able to hold or look at them. His family is very upset with me but thank goodness my husband had my back on this one and told them how she was acting and that I have every right to say what I said to her. It has gone so far as my family telling me she is not welcomed at any of our family get together. I know thats taking it to far but they know how I am with my 7 neices and nephews and know I would give my life for them and for her to act that way is just not going to be dealt at all. My husband is understand knowing how many little ones go to the gathering that if she would happen to not like one of them that she might act on her thoughts of hurting a small child. We have taken her to talk to a head doctor and all we got was she is just doing to get us to notice her but its not like there is any other kids around we are far far away from any family and she gets everything she needs and more. The Doc just told us to put our foots down about everything because we went through all the other steps so this is the last straw for me. I am in that mind state now where I just keep reminding myself 18 will be here before you know it and I am not her mother and I am not dealing with or putting any more money out for her.
angelandantesboy responded:
First, I am sorry you have to experience this. Blending families can be difficult. My step-mother would definitely say the same.
Firstly, your husband DID NOT have your back when he moved her in without you having any choice, the fact that he is trying now is good, but he could have avoided a lot of misery at least letting you acclimate first. Now I am on your side about having structure and rules, etc. There should be clear expectations on things like dating, chores, etc. Those should be discussed and then told to her by her father, who should also have his share of implementing them (which means you will need to do some of that, but with specific set-up discipline). This is his child, and if he expects to have another he should be primarily responsible for this one. You are a part of his team, so instead of fighting discuss strategy, but ultimately this is his.
That being said, this is hard on her too. She has a dad who threw her at you, he is gone all of the time, and her life may have been VERY different from what it is now. Kids are never good with change, and if her mother isn't involved (since she isn't mentioned and she is living with you mostly full time I will say that is safe to assume) she needs guidance.
You can't ignore that she is there because your husband chose to make that your problem. Ignoring her for 4 years isn't going to help either of you. It only makes a kid bitter and resentful and a step-mother who is turned rotten and has to put of the dreams she has for a family.
The nice thing is that you can sit her down and hash out what you are willing to do for her, see what she wants out of you, and make adjustments. Find out what attention she does need, and give it to her if you can or at least find someone who will. You aren't her mother, sounds like she doesn't want you to be, but that can be a good thing. It's common ground at the very least.
Her dad 100% HAS to front-run rules, he can stand up to his family all he likes, but his daughter is the one it will make all the difference with. You don't have to be her friend, but as a housemate and the daughter of your husband she deserves your cordiality and kindness. You need to determine what that means, and how much responsibility for her you want to take on. Make that clear to your husband, and follow through with your step-daughter.
If something isn't working, try something different, and keep trying different things until you get it. Then later if it stops working, try something else entirely.
Things won't be perfect, but hopefully they will get better. Whether you try anything, best of luck to all three of you.
A_Stepmom_ready2run replied to angelandantesboy's response:
thank you for reply. When she first her we sat down and talked to her about the rules in the house. Her mother let her get away with everything. And on top of that she played the poor me act for so long she got use to getting away with stuff trust me I fell for it too. I took her shopping, had her done and let her friends stay the night too. Till she started making comments about how me and her father having a kid and she would hurt the baby. Then after that she stole my stuff had me thinking I was going crazy for awhile miss placing things finally I went in to room to have a look under her bed and in her closet there all my stuff was. I let her dad deal with that I couldn't stand looking at her. Her mother is in her life she calls here and there she just tells her daughter that she doesn't have to listen to me I'm not her mom. I tell her that's right i am not your mom but you live in my house you go by my rules. I have both a step mom and a step dad they both feel the same way about my older sister and she is 30 they both tried for years, at one point my older sister punch my stepmom. My family is behind me 100% about all this because they seen this for years and don't want to see me go through the hell they did. My older sister was lucky my step mom didn't call the police because I find one more thing of mine in room I'm pressing charges for thief. So to say we have tried it all and this kid just doesn't care.

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