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Dr. Roy Benaroch Your Children's Health
Healthy Begins Here
I encourage all of you parents -- young an old -- to reflect on these 3 simple "jobs" and to remember the order: a child's safety and health take priority over happiness.
I welcome comments...
That feels different than what you have said here, though I am not sure that we fundamentally disagree on these ideas. Certainly sad, unhappy children break my heart. There have been days where I would have given away everything I own for my children if I thought it would have bought a smile from them.
I have a daughter having a tough time right now. She has always had a soft heart and 14 is one of the hardest years for girls I think. (Based on my childhood and the childhood of my older kids) This is the age when kids learn for good that parents can't fix everything, can't keep them from the bad and really don't know everything-so much so that they decide parents know nothing. I know I will learn a bit in the next few years and by 20 become brilliant again-but for now I can only listen, hold fast to the important rules, and let the leading strings out a bit more without letting them feel like they are on a rope with no net.
Many children never have enough, and you will not be doing your child a favor if you even try to give them everything they desire. Most will want more and more to keep up with their friends or to simply get the latest and greatest toy, gizmo or fashion item that they see on TV, on-line, or in print.
My contention is that it is your responsibility -- your "job" -- as a parent to sometimes say 'no' to purchases -- even if you can afford them. That's where your concern for your child's mental health trumps your concern for their happiness.
Children should not get everything just for the asking. It is probably best if they have to "work" (by this I mean "earn", I do not mean child labor) for some items, save for some items, and learn to cope with delayed gratification. In other instances, they need to learn to accept that some things may be beyond their reach -- no matter what.
Mind you, I do not deny my kids many things. I live in an upscale neighborhood where almost all of the kids (including mine) have much more than any child needs. I am not inclined -- by disposition (or budgetarily) to try to keep up with all of their peers and provide my kids with everything their friends' have.
Give your children as much time and attention as you can -- recognizing at the same time that, realistically, there are many competing demands on your time. And most importantly, give of your heart.
Remember: the most valuable things you can give as a parent do not have price tags on them!
I really don't think it is my job to make my children "happy."
I've told both of my sons that life is not like a thrill ride at an amusement park and the main goal of life is not to seek happiness and self gratification. I want them to responsible men and that includes being good husbands, fathers and providers.
I've told them their main purpose is to be a blessing to others and how they choose to do that is up to them. I think this value system comes from my religion, Judaism. Tikuun Olam.
I think it has taken. My oldest is serving in the military and wants to be a state highway patrol officer when he gets out. The youngest wants to be a fire fighter/paramedic (or perhaps a Rabbi.)
That being said, we spend lots of time with our sons and provide them with time and experiences that make them happy. We go camping, fishing, hikes, climbing, swimming, sporting events, community fairs, water parks, BBQ's, out to eat, purchase them sports equipment, go to their games etc.
I also hope they make wonderful memories to carry them throughout life even when we are no longer here.
Perhaps it's better to focus on healthy, worthwhile pursuits for the whole family than to make the kids the center of everything.
When I was a kid, we went camping, backpacking and hiking because it was what my parents wanted to do. (If it had been up to me, we would have gone shopping or played with dolls). Now, I'm so glad I had those experiences - it instilled a deep respect and love of the nature. I take my kids hiking now, even if they whine about it. :-)
Our family interests mostly concern the outdoors and sporting events. I'm glad you have good memories and it was a positive experience for you. We really want to create happy family memories.
So, like kims_09 said, there is a lot of work to do, but we're doing the best we can and that's what counts.
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