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Raising fit Kids

Am I failing as a mother?
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arabianprincess0708 posted:
Ok I am a single mother of two little girls Lynn, 4 and Clara about to turn 3. I was with their dad for nearly 4 years (to get it out of the way YES they both have the same dad?.). He was mentally and emotionally abusive and got physical on a few occasions. The last straw for me was when he started abusing crack cocaine. I left in the middle of the night and never looked back. This November will be 2 years away from him. He is now paying child support and sees the girls every other weekend. The man has 6 kids by 4 different women if that tells you anything?..
Ok now to my problem that I would desperately love some advice about. I work full time and the girls spend all the time I am at work with a babysitter, oddly enough she is their dads ex?I actually like the situation due to the fact that the girls get to spend time with their half brothers. When I pick the girls up, she tells me that they have been very good and maybe only got into trouble a few times for minor things. That's fine. When they come home from their dads, I am told that they were wonderful and he drops the ever-faithful line of "their never bad for me". W/E. However, his current girlfriend and mother of baby no. 6 tells me that they were wonderful too. Also, when my mom has them she says she has minimum problems from them. However, when they're with mommy it's a completely different story. They don't listen they yell at each other and fight over the smallest of things. I tell them not to do something they'll stop then go right back to it. I feel as if all I do is yell at my kids and I cannot stand it. I love my little girls so much and I can't stand the fact that I have to yell at them all the time. What am I doing wrong???? I discipline them when they are bad and I praise them when their good. I follow my moms advice and her ideas that maybe they want more attention from me because this fulltime job is new but when I give them attention, they still act up. I am at my wits end I cry at night because I cannot handle the stress of work and disobedient kids. I miss them desperately hen they are with their dad but then I find myself asking; is it his weekend yet? I feel as if I am failing as a mother?.am I? What am I doing wrong...?
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Olivetre responded:
I believe that they are pushing your buttons. My 3 1/2 yo daughter was not listening for the last couple of months of my pregnancy and for two weeks after the birth of our second daughter. All of a sudden she is doing great. During the time she didn't listen she would be fine with everyone else. Don't feel bad they do go thru these stages. I sigh and count to ten, get down to her level, have her look at me and ask again without raising my voice and asking please. When I started doing this, she seemed to do better and I would tell her that it makes me very happy that she listened to me and that I did not have to yell. I try to make sure that I am giving her attention with the new baby so she won't have jealousy issues. Please do not feel like you are failing, all children test your patients.
 
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ami_nix responded:
First, let me assure you that you are not failing as a mother. A true failure would not be asking this question because frankly, they wouldn't care.. It sounds to me like your little girls are very normal. I'd bet if you ask your Mom, she will tell you that when you were little, you were so good for everyone else but, not so much at home.. It sounds to me like you have too much on your plate and you're being too hard on yourself. When was the last time you did something that was just for you? I would start there, it sounds like you need some serious stress relief. As for your girls, I honestly think what you're going through is normal. Have you ever heard the phrase "Disney Land Dad"? I think what's happening is when they are elsewhere, they are doing all kinds of stuff that doesn't leave time to act up. You may want to try making a chart with some stickers and each child gets a sticker for each day that they are well- behaved and the one with the most stickers at the end of the week gets a special treat of some sort. I've had friends who've had good results with this. However, I think the best thing you can do based on what you are saying is cut yourself some slack and stop letting others make you feel like you aren't good enough. I bet if you asked them, your daughters would say that they know you love them and that's the most important part of being a Mom. My opinion, I hope it helps
 
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arabianprincess0708 replied to ami_nix's response:
This reply is to both ami_nix and Olivetre; Thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement and tips. I definatly think that thier dad is helping them "never act up" and i definatly belive in the "disney land dad" and i cannot stand it lol. I do feel a little better know thing that I am not the only one who has had this problem. I spoke to my cousin last night (her and I are very close) and she told me she has the same problem and being a stay at home mom it has to be hard to have the same problem that I am having. However, her kids are older adn in school during the day... I thank you ladies again and if anyone else has anyother tips to help me i definalty appreciate it!!
 
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BrookeFaye replied to arabianprincess0708's response:
I completely understand where you are coming from! My husband often tells me "he never acts like that with me" when our son gets mouthy or doesn't listen. Yeah, I bet! Is what I want to say. In addition, every time he makes that comment, I make sure to give him additional Daddy and Drew time. I know that you can't do that- but its seems that all men say that line. Must be part of their DNA. HA!
The way to look at the girls' behavior with other people is that YOU are raising them right. They are good for other people. You've taught them to be considerate, loving and mindful. That is a GREAT mom!! Keep it up! When they act up the way they do, it seems silly, but take it as a compliment. They trust you, feel comfortable and know that they can "cross the line" in the safety of their own home. As long as they are just sticking a toe over the line- don't sweat it. Seriously. If they are yelling at each other, go out side. If you can't, put headphones on. They are the ones that have to deal with it= not you, unless it gets nasty. And hon, with girls that close in age, you need to invest in a lifetime supply of headphones.
You are doing just fine. Sit back, listen to some Michael Buble and sip some wine. They'll be out of the house in 14-15 years.
 
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arabianprincess0708 replied to BrookeFaye's response:
I greatly appriciate your kind words it makes me feel goo that I am not the only one with these problems. And i never looked at the situation in the way you put it, it put the whole ordeal in to an entirely new presepective for me. Unfortunaly you are right that i cannot make thier dad see how bad they can really be but that is his problem not mine they are good for people they hardly see!! Thanks again for the comments i greatly appriciate it.
 
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nyoka4u responded:
I read in Pareting magazine an article about this and it made perfect sense. Kids act up when they are home because they feel comfortable to do so. They know that you have taught them to behave themselves away from home and this speaks volumes as to you as a parent. You are not a failure, I believe you are a success because you have raised kids that can be themselves at home but well behaved kids in the world. Now if that were acting like wild animals outside of the home, I bet they wouldn't be asked to come back. Our 11 month old DD went the her Nana's house for an over night just this past weekend and she said she didn't fuss once, yet at home she's a wild woman. Even though she can make me crazy I feel good knowing that she is comfortable to be herself at home. Course it could be that she's just a wee bit spoiled at home too but who knows. lol
 
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arabianprincess0708 replied to nyoka4u's response:
Thank you..i dont even know what to say. i truley though I was failing as a mother maybe now that i know that thier actions arenet because they hate me and that i am a horrible mother but because i am a good mom and they are just home. I greatly appriciate it ladies you have no idea....
 
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Cirthandir replied to arabianprincess0708's response:
To give you a slightly different perspective. I'm a working dad and my wife is a stay at home mom. When I come home, she tells me how our girls (age 4 and 2) have been acting up and fighting. In the evenings, she tutors and I watch the girls. They behave very well for me and rarely fight. I certainly don't think it is because I'm a better parent (my wife is much better and dealing with kids than I am), but I do think that girls in particular have a tendency to fight with their moms more than with anyone else. I'm not a Disneyland Dad (lol, that term is funny!), but I think they are just more familiar with my wife. As we all know the old saying, familiarity breeds contempt....

Good luck with everything, you sound like you are really putting in alot of effort to be a good mom and I'm sure it will pay off in the end!
 
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arabianprincess0708 replied to Cirthandir's response:
Thanks I greatly Appriciate that. guess im just stuck doing my best and hopeing it is good enough..


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