am going to admit something that is very hard to say. i always knew i got mad fast when it came to certain things but i think i may have parenting rage. it upsets me sooo much that im this way and my 2 year old baby girl gets most of it. i never hit her or call her names but i di get really mad and yell a lot. especially when she whines (which is most of the day over anything), does something bad (taking naptime diaper off and then pooping or peeing everywhere, pulling all her folded clothes out of the drawers, etc...), or fights her naps when she is real tired. i go from fine to boiling mad in 2 seconds flat. i know i learned my stress managment from my mom (shes the same way) but i dont want to be thins way. ive tried to fight it but being a single mother that despite living with her parents and 2 younger siblings and older brother i do EVERYTHING myself. nobody helps with her. ive become used to doing it myself and when she is fighting nap by either crying or just out of her bed and roaming her room my mom cant just leave her alone like ive done for her entire life and makes me get her. ive told my mother that this is normal and my kid is used to putting herself to sleep and refuses to be held and she then argues with me about it which sets me off and both my mom and baby girl get the mood swing (mostly my baby girl for crying). if any of you have this as well what are some tips i can use to get under control?
btw please dont suggest just walking away for a minute: my mom only yells at me for doing that and makes me more mad.
and i do want to add my anger issues have only began coming out since i moved back into my parents house and my 2 year olds constant whining and cry also only just started once we moved here as well. we wernt always like this
Dear Chris, My suggestion to you is as follows: Get some coconut oil and give your babe a gentle little massage, it will calm her down. You can sing to her while you do that. When you want her to nap, you can sing to her. You don't have to hold her then, she will get the habit of being held at that time, and you don't want that.
Get some essential fatty acids in your food, you and your baby. Either in your cooked food, or in stir fries, or however you wish to take it. The brain and nervous system need fatty acids to function properly. you can use coconut oil, heat extracted, or cold press, cod liver oil, krill oil, or flax seed oil, anyone of these will do. Before bath, massaging yourself with a bit of coconut oil will help also. You may be pleasantly surprised.
If you get a headache when you get angry, use a cold compress. Do not drink ice cold water or drinks.
Your baby may be feeling the stress in the home and reacting to it innocently. You need to get rid of your stresses and this will make a big difference for you and your child and even the household. Find a Transcendental Meditation Centre and learn to meditate. you can go to www.tm.org/learn look at the video to know more about it. I am now in the process of teaching 200 children with anger issues Transcendental meditation and they are having startling results.
If you drink coffee, you will need to stop it. It can play a number on your nervous system. Take herbal teas instead. Chamomile is calming, so it Peppermint, especially for you.
When your baby cries, she may be feeling uncomfortable so do some aroma therapy with a drop of peppermint oil in cup of hot water so the fragrance can fill the air. Before baby's nap, give her a tepid bath, she may be hot inside. If she takes her naps she will feel much better, so do all you can to pacify her, give her a silent toy, a personal blanket etc, not too much light, you can sing a little lullaby, etc, massage her feet and legs with coconut oil, you can do any of these and you should have some results, but you need to meditate. It will wipe off all your stress and you will be very happy you did. Good luck and high fives to you to be brave enough to call out for help before it gets worse. God bless you and your babe.
Sorry - had to break my response into two parts so... Part 1: Yes you are very brave for speaking out about this & very strong for realizing the need for change.I've struggled with this same issue & will tell you that it will get better.It's not easy & it won't happen overnight so you have to have patience with yourself (& your daughter) & just keep trying.You've already taken the first step by admitting there is an issue with the way you are reacting now.Parenting your daughter is the most important thing you will ever do & the choices she'll make in her own life will be determined by her experiences with you now.You are both worth the effort it will take to make these changes in your life.I was raised by a single mom whose quick temper and conditional love mostly destroyed any sense of self-value I should have had to prepare me to handle life's struggles appropriately.When I recognized the struggles I was having in parenting, I too reached out for help.It's very hard to find the right resources & it's hard to put into practice the new skills you need to acquire to be a loving, effective parent.I did start seeing a therapist and have been doing so for about a year.I saw 5 different therapists before I found one that I felt comfortable with so if you don't feel right at first, don't give up looking!It is okay to go to therapy, asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.If you aren't ready for therapy there are two books I would recommend: Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky Bailey and Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn.If you can't purchase these books, look for them in your library (if your local library doesn't have them, ask if they can get them from some other library.)These books gave me hope that change is possible.They provided practical skills that could be put into daily usage.They also helped me realize that the way I was parenting had more to do with how I felt about myself (what I needed to change) than how I felt about my children.It helped explain the way a children develop & gave me more understanding that my children weren't acting that way just to be "bad."They are just being children, trying to learn about the world and if we want them to develop positive self worth and have the strength of character to make good choices, we need to respond positively and model appropriate emotional responses.While it does sound like there are emotional issues in the household you are currently living in, I think it's important that you are thankful to your parents for letting you move back home.It doesn't sound like an ideal situation in the least, but it is important for you to accept the situation as it is and perhaps review the expectations you have of the other people living there.This is your daughter and you are solely responsible for her safety, nutrition, cleanliness, enrichment, discipline, etc.So, maybe your expectation that others should be responsible for these things is a way to try and detach yourself from the situation because you don't trust your own parenting skills.But have faith in yourself that you are all that your daughter needs and embrace the responsibility and the chance you have to be the mom to your daughter that your mother wasn't to you.
Part 2: On a side note, it is important for you to look at your parents and accept them as they are.Accept your childhood for what it was and make peace with it because you can't change what your childhood was, you can only change what it can be for your daughter.When your mother is trying to get you to parent differently, take a deep breath, respectively accept her input, thank her for it even and then continue to parent as you feel is the right choice for you and your daughter.Having said this though, really look deep within yourself and ask yourself why you don't want to comfort your daughter in her times of stress.You are her safe haven, her playmate, her source of nourishment — physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually - her mother, her world.So try to think of what you are feeling when you cry (or when you are lashing out in anger) — it's when you feel the most vulnerable, the most alone, the most insecure and when you have the most need to be supported and assured that you are still loved no matter how you are acting, yes?So try and empathize with your daughter and know that she's not just acting that way to make you crazy.She's feeling all of these negative things too and is looking for reassurance and strength and confidence from you.I agree with the post from Tranquill 1 that recommends the massage for you to do with your daughter.There are plenty of infant/toddler massage books you can check out at your library and this could be a calming activity to strengthen the physical bond between you and your daughter — which may help you connect emotionally as well.I would also recommend establishing a routine.It doesn't have to be planned down to the minute.Evaluate your schedule and start with a reasonable wake up time.Schedule play, bath, meals, naps, snacks, and activities like music, reading, going for a walk/park, etc.It's not too early to engage in these sorts of activities and by having a plan I have found that I'm less likely to let the TV do my parenting for me and I more eager to take a more active role in parenting.I notice that the children are calmer and more secure (and less needy and whiny) when they've had more positive attention from me throughout the day.Also be sure to schedule in times to help your parents with chores or just keeping your areas clean or doing laundry etc and try and schedule in nap times while your daughter is napping as well — you can't parent effectively if you're exhausted.Have a routine for bedtime (start with a bedtime routine first if having a whole routine for the day is unrealistic.)We brush teeth, go potty (mine are 4 so you may not be there with a 2 year old yet), do a bath, read a story, say our prayers, rub backs and sing lullabyes.By then they've had this whole time to hear the word bedtime, wound down with the set schedule of activities, and generally go to sleep fairly easily.But be flexible with your expectations and if it doesn't go according to plan, take a deep breath and let her play quietly on the floor nearby while you are reading or writing in a journal for example.Lastly and seriously, get some earplugs. It will help curb the intensity of your daughter's crying (and your mother's judgment) and will give you a little breathing room to be able to react to the situation at hand in a less intense manner. Keep a set in your pocket so you will always have them handy when needed. And it's not just for crying, it's for the happy shrieking kids can do as well which I hope you will hear more of from your daughter in the future. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter — please keep the post updated especially if you need more help!
Oh my gosh, I feel your pain! Toddlers, especially GIRLS are no easy task. They can be little divas. My finances daughter is four going on fourteen!
There's lots of great advice posted here. To add what helps me, I immediately think back to how I felt in similar situations, as a small child. When she's asking way too many dang questions, constantly repeating herself, attached to my hip acting CRAZY hyper, fighting with siblings, or being Winey. Before I respond or react in anyway. I take a REALLY deep breath in, and remember times when I was that young, and did those things. I can remember my mom getting mad at me for certain behaviors, and being SO hurt. Cause I was just a child, and did not have bad intentions, and definitely didnt want to make mommy mad. I still may be annoyed after recalling these memories, but it gives me a voice of reason that allows me to not yell or get too hostile.
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