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What am I doing wrong with my 22 yr. old daughter?
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crystalgreeneyes posted:
My daughter is 22 and recently moved home after graduating from university. She is working full time and very conscientious about her job, being on time and not missing days etc. That's excellent, I know and she has always been like that even with school. She has never done drugs or given me any real trouble - so what is the problem? I am so frustrated because I don't know if I am communicating my needs badly but there's a set of expectations that I have and she will follow them a few times and then not bother. For example I expect her to clean her room and the bathrooms before she goes away for the weekend (she usually goes away). I always have to remind her to do these things as well. She will not do it on her own initiative. Her room is always a mess but I close the door and I leave it as such. I have a chronic pain condition and I need her to help me but she does her own laundry and leaves the rest in the basket, ironing will pile up, and so on. I believe the house would fall down around her and she wouldn't lift a finger. I have talked to her over and over about these issues. Her contribution is to buy gas (about $50 every 2 weeks or so). I believe her behaviour is childish but what can I tell her the consequences will be if she does not follow through with her few chores in the house? My husband will not support me on this because he feels that she works full time and doesn't need to do anything else. She has more than adequate time to do these things too. When she isn't working she lies in bed and uses her computer.
She is such a wonderful girl and I love her so much. I feel some of this is my fault because she is an only child and she's been spoiled but it's driving me crazy. She gives herself enough time to get ready for work but won't have breakfast or make herself a lunch the night before. Again she has more than enough time to put together a salad or a sandwich for the next day. It takes a few mins. I was doing this but I stopped and now I feel bad that she is not eating properly.
I drive her to work most days because I want to have my car otherwise I feel so isolated staying in the house all day by myself. Could I tell her there will be no more driving her to and from work? Please help. I really don't know what to do. I cannot work because of my disability but I am home all day so it appears that I am expected to take care of all household matters. If I felt better I probably would. I always did before.
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oboingo76 responded:
I can only speak from my own experience and please know that I am under NO circumstance implying that you have done anything wrong. Clearly you have done a good job at raising someone who works hard and has good values. You should be proud!

I am now a 36 year old mother myself but I was the same way when I was around 20, only not as responsible as your daughter. However, I lived with my mother and though I worked, I didn't really do much to help around the house or keep my room clean. The only cure for this was for me to move out. The truth was I was an adult, working and supporting myself. Two adults with different housekeeping methods around the house are bound to drive each other nuts!

My mom wanted me to pay rent and there was no way I was going to pay rent and not have the freedom of being on my own. (We were constantly arguing about chores). When I had my own place I could keep it messy all I wanted, but I realized that if I wanted to have anyone over I had to clean up. I also became responsible for feeding myself, buying my own groceries, etc.

That was just my experience. I was working full time so I had to support myself, there was no reason for me to continue living at home. Had I remained at home I never would have learned how to be on my own and take care of my own things.

You may not be emotionally ready for your daughter to move out, so this might not work for you. Just sharing my experience.
 
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scperdomo7 responded:
I agree with oboingo76. You need to make it clear to her that even though she is an adult, she is living in your home rent free and she needs to do the assigned tasks or she needs to move out and find her own place.

And put a time limit in place, let her know that if she chooses to not follow the rules that she has x amount of weeks to find a new place.

I was a messy person too when I lived home (around the same age!) and it wasn't until I moved out on my own and the cable guy came over to fix our internet and saw how unruly my apartment was that I got embarrassed and started keeping it clean!!

Your husband needs to get behind you as well, because this scenario wont work if he is siding with her. At 22, I was working full time, going to college and still managed to keep a clean place, feed myself and even made baked goods on a regular basis for friends.

She is being lazy (to an extent) and needs to stop taking advantage of you.
 
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Leenaoto responded:
I also agree with them, I am 27 years old, I was like your daughter, hard worker in my job but in the house I never cleaned or helped in any thing, never done the dishes, laundry, or anything. now I am married with a 9 months baby girl, I am struggling to do everything, it is really hard to work, cook, clean, and take care of the baby, cause I am not used to it. Now I wish that I participated in the house chores, it would be easier for me now! I feel sorry for my mum and I really regret it now that I know how hard it is for her. my mum tried everything with me to make me help or at least clean my room so I don't blame her, the only for your daughter to learn is to try living by her self, even for just a couple of months!


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