Sibling Rivalry
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jamie16125 posted:
Hi, I am a mother of 3, I have a 14 year old son, Nicholas, a 7 year old son, Raleigh, and a 5 year old daughter, Sydnee. I have huge issues with my 14 year old and 7 year old getting along. I'm convinced that Nicholas hates his Raleigh. Raleigh only wants some acceptance from his older brother and Nicholas just down right bullies him to no end. He calls Raleigh into his room, by saying, "Raleigh come in my room and look at this" and then tells him to get out of his room. He pushes him around, and claims he is "wrestling" and meanwhile hurts Raleigh in the process. I have told Nicholas millions of times (Im sure its more than that) to stop being so rough with his little brother and be nicer, and all I get is an attitude from him. He says I favor Raleigh, and I dont (I know he can be a little turd when it comes to his brother) but he is only looking for his brother to love him and be nice to him. Help!!!! The stress from these 2 is literally making me sick
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momuv4girls responded:
I am wondering if his father talks with him about how he treats his younger brother? What type of relationship do the boys have with their dad?

Does N typically get along well with his peers and other adults?

From your description, N's behavior sounds a bit mean spirited - and I wonder what else is going on in his life that makes him want to act out towards his younger brother? Would you have any insight on that ?

A bit more info may be helpful.
I know how stressful this can be, especially on us mother's.
Thanks,
-Kathleen
 
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jamie16125 replied to momuv4girls's response:
Well, Nicholas is from a different relationship, but his father, and my husband (Raleighs father) are both supportive to Nicholas, he should have never felt left out or alone. Nicholas gets along great with others, including Raleigh's friends of the same age as Raleigh, its JUST Raleigh. I have talked to Nicholas on how his behavior is not acceptable and even tried to understand why he is like this to his brother and he has no explanation other than he is annoying.
I have no idea what Raleigh would have ever done to Nicholas except want to be accepted.

Nicholas is also not like this with his 5 year old sister, its just Raleigh. I wonder if counseling would help? Someone once suggested that I made Nicholas and Raleigh do something constructive together, starting off once a week and gradually making it about 3 times a week, but I am not comfortable with Nick being in charge of Raleigh.......I am lost!!!
 
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momuv4girls replied to jamie16125's response:
In my opinion 14 is a tricky age - a lot going on hormonally, internally, and with peers.

I think it would be a good idea to find a (preferably Male) Adolescent Psychologist to meet with your son, build a relationship with him, and then hopefully help him understand why his harbors anger towards his younger brother.

This could be more complex then you are seeing it. Your oldest could feel like an "outsider" because he is the only child in the house with a Father who isn't there - maybe he feels some abandonment issues from his bio father....you just never know.
Even though you state, "he should have never felt left out or alone" - that's coming from your eyes, not how your son is feeling inside.

I certainly don't think it could hurt to find a really good Dr. to see your son, and I bet it could really change the dynamics in your household.

Take care, and the best of luck to you and your family!
-Kathleen
 
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jamie16125 replied to momuv4girls's response:
Thanks so much for your reply, I really do appreciate it. Nicholas' biological father has a lot to do with him, but he is in an unhealthy marriage, so Nick doesnt have the desire to be there at the moment. I appreciate your pointing out to me that I may be looking at this thing through my own perceptions, and even though I am his mom, I may not know exactly what he is really feeling. I think I am going to schedule him for at least a consultation and go from there.
Thank you again for all your advice