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12 year old sons unreasonable behavour?
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ACPage31 posted:
We need help I think. We have two boys, 8 year old is fine. 12 year old worries us both and as he gets older we are getting more an more concerned.
We have always thought he does not really see the world as we do, its all about him. Saying "Please", "Thank you" "May I have....", normal polite ways to do thing have never been his thing. "Sorry" is never said. His brother is fine, always says the right thing. When he does something to others he never seems to understand it was an accident and accidents happen, he always sees it as we have accused him even if we don`t!
He is very good at school, top set for maths, English, science and loves sport being good at several activities. When he is doing what he wants to do he always seems happy although perhaps never in the way his younger brother gets. He has always had almost everything he has ever wanted but by the standards of other boys he has not wanted as much. We can talk to him about stuff and he in interested in all sorts of things but it is always on his terms.
Its seems such a long term problem with many faces that in only a few words it would be hard to explain fully but in one recent incident the entire situation can be seen in all its details.
He can home after a sleep-over, clearly tired, but his first comment was "I am the only one without an over18 game on the X-Box". We explained he is 12, its not going to happen and its the law. This is totally unacceptable it seems. My wife explained we are not moving on this. Tantrum. ALL my friends have them (Not true, some do), "I get the mickey taken out of me" (Apparently not by his friends though but just by other boys at school who he does not really know).
We explained why, we then said he gets so many other things, clubs, trips, football, hockey, tennis, days out with us, TV, Kindle, etc. However he now wants none of these thing just the game. All of this is probably familiar to many parents but the rest of this episode is really what concerns us. WE need to apologize for getting angry, we need to remove ALL his posessions as they are ALL boring, no point having them. Its all our fault, all his friends play on over 18 games all the time including one friend who does not have an X-box and one friend who`s X-box has a 2 hour daily limit set up and who`s parents only let him have the over 18 disc on rare occasions. He cannot simply lie to these boys he does not know and who take the mick and say I do have the game as of course lying is wrong. It is not wrong however to steal sweets from you younger brother, money from his younger brother, money from his parents and any one else foolish enough to leave a wallet or purse lying around, eat vast amounts of sweets and hide the wrappers and lie about that. Its not possible to trust him very much due to his lying and he is a really bad liar.
The most worrying thing is he does not get it. He simply cannot see or understand any body`s point of view, his friends, children we know do get it. They may throw a tantrum they may have arguments but at the end if it they do say sorry and can see their errors. His younger brother knows what to do, when and what to say, We think there may be a disconnect when it comes to understanding other people`s feelings, no empathy. Some of this might be a normal for many 12 year old`s. This lack of understanding, This "It`s all about me" attitude and the way he deals with it is not. He wants to hide in his room, covering his ears, he does NOT see the overall picture. Many 12 year old`s are I am sure the same. He is different. Its not that he does not want to hear whats being said or does not like the answer. He DOES NOT understand. Even calmed down, days later, it is clear from the look on his face he does not grasp it. It is almost like a blockage, something not there. Very mildly autistic even?
We would just like opinions, advice, should we seek active help before he gets too old or too big to control?
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momuv4girls responded:
From reading your entire post, I would urge you to seek out professional help NOW.

I am not a Dr., but a mom who has a child with mood issues, and have been proactive in her mental health care.
When I read a post such as yours, it screams help.

Your son needs a professional. I would seek out the best Child/Adolescent Psychiatrist money can buy, and have him evaluated.
I would guarantee this behavior will not just go away - I don't think you believe it will either.

After you find a really good Dr., then I would next focus on how to parent a child like this.

I have 3-"typical" children, then one who has been challenging since birth. Parenting my 4th daughter is a whole different ball game, and you'll need tips, guidance and support.

Here is a link to find a Child / Adolescent Psychiatrist in your area, and next is a helpful link for managing a child's behavior.

http://www.aacap.org/AACAP/Families_and_Youth/Resources/CAP_Finder.aspx

http://www.greatschools.org/special-education/support/973-strategies-for-managing-your-childs-resistant-behavior.gs?page=all

Take care, and good luck to your family!
-Kathleen


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