Parenting Community

You are right that this is not Munchhausen because she does not actually cause any of the symptoms, rather she just seems to overreact to those that already exist, even if they are trivial. Most parents like this do not go on to full blown Munchhausen.

I think you should share your concerns with the pediatrician who sees Kayla, so s/he can discuss with the mom her anxiety and how best to manage it (including psychotherapy). My guess is that anything coming from you to the mom would not be greeted warmly.so the pedi is the way to go.

It sounds to me like another overprotective mom. I know a mother who takes her kids to the doctor every time they sneeze! Uusally the reason for it is a mother who is clueless as to what is normal and what isn't normal or they are brought up to believe that when kids sneeze or hurt or have snot coming out that they are sick and need to go to the doctor.

The way you describe the mother daughter relationship makes me think that you are jumping to the conclusion of munchhausen by proxy because of the way the mother talks to the daughter. I am sure she isn't a perfect mother but this doesn't make her a bad mother or a bad person maybe just a little misguided. It is possible that she just doesn't know how to interact with kayla.

Well, at least she is not neglecting Kayla when sick or hurt- just over-reacting. Is she wanting a reason to contact Kayla's father- it gives her a reason to talk to him????? I really do not know the situation.

I don't think she wants to talk to him. Kayla tells us about how her mom takes her to the doctor for ridiculous things. We always try to make an effort to tell her that what she goes to the doctor happens to every kid, but they just don't see the doctor as much as she does. (from what I hear, her mom takes herself to the doctor a lot for fake reasons.) It's more of a relief to find out her mother doesn't have the potential to harm her child to get the attention though. Thanks for you response.

I am not sure if I would use over protected to describe her. I wasn't very thourough on my explanation of her. I've come to realize that she is a very conceited person who will lie, cheat, and steal to get her way (her children are accessories she uses to get attention, and when she can't handle them anymore, she pawns them off on her family). Kayla feels like her mom isn't okay when she is not there. I even directly asked her, ''Does your mom make you feel like she isn't okay when your with your dad?', her answer was a yes. Her mother is also on meds for mood swings, deppresion, and anxiety. All of this together makes me fear for the way Kayla might turn out. I can't explain it, but I feel like something is off... I really hope I am wrong about all of this. Thank you for your input, though!

Thank you very much, Dr. P... It is quite a relief that this won't develope into something worse!

Yep i've known some mothers like that also, i have an aunt actually who was far worse to her daughter. My cousin has told me some stories and the things she seen growing up could make me cry even now just thinking of what she went through. Yes my cousin has struggled with sobriety but she is doing well now because she had a loving father and stepmother.

The only thing you can do is be kaylas support system . If her mother isn't reliable and stable then you and her father have to be. As long as she has the support of you and her father she will be fine. I'm sure you already know these things but always keep the line of communication open to her no matter what the subject is that and love is really all she needs.

Good luck !

Thank you so much!

I do recommend that Kayla's dad keep a log of all of her visits to the doctor. I also recommend that he request (through family court) that the mom have a psych eval, while there may be no immediate physical danger there could all types of psychological issues. The big red flag is the guilt & anxiety Kayla feels about leaving here mom. Children are not immune to physical manifestations of stress (ulcers & anxiety attacks for example). Also the situation at home with her mom cam impede her ability to interact normally w/ people. If she is always worried when she is away from mom how can she enjoy playing & doing normal kid stuff?

I am still shocked by your post; it's so... accurate... My boyfriend had to take Kayla's mother to court for custody. He got everything he asked for,(everyother weekend and a day during the week). Kayla would come to our house and be completely fine. Then out of no where, she started throwing tantrums about not being with her mom. One night she wanted to call her mom and her dad told her she would have to wait til we got home. She cried and cried and I finally asked her, 'Are you calling your mom to make sure she is okay?' her response was 'yes'. I then asked her, 'does your mom make you feel like she is not okay when youre not there?' her answer to that was also a 'yes'. I told her that her mom likes it when she spends time with her dad and that she is okay when Kayla is not there, and that seemed to work. But for the longest time before that, she would constantly ask when her mom was coming to get her or ask to call her. It's not like that anymore, but it was for a long time. It seemed like she felt so so so guilty about leaving her mom. I also noticed that kayla is not at all independent. She always wants someone to go with her anywhere she goes and I have only seen her play by herself one time in the last 6-8 months. I am not sure if it is just a lack of imagination, laziness, or she just appreciates that someone can always be with her when she comes to our house. Kayla also has to control her friends, and if they are better than her at something, she won't want to partake in it anymore. Also, you mentioned a psych eval. Kayla's mom and dad used to do mediation sessions where they would try to come to an agreement about Kayla. At one point, the mediater suggested a psych. eval. for Kayla's mother. She flew into a rage, threatened to sue everybody in the room, and pushed Kayla's dad into a wall. Needless to say, she never was forced to get a psych. eval... On the plus side, Kayla's mother has not done anything too crazy in a while. (with the exception of taking Kayla to those useless doctors visits). But thank so much for your insight. I am still trying to piece her mother's behavior together to get a clear picture of what we're really dealing with when it comes to kayla's well being.

Just a word of warning ... Beware of leading questions. Let the child tell you what is wrong rather than give her the answer in your question ("'does your mom make you feel like she is not okay when youre not there") because most children will answer "yes" because they think that is what you want them to say. You could be accused of putting words into Kayla's mouth further down the line.

That's a good point. Thank you.

MBP is not always the mother "causing" the symptoms of the child. Contemporary MBP often results in factitous symptoms, stories, and even allegations of fictitous abuse on behalf of anyone in contact with the child. The person suffering from MBP delights in the attention of caregivers, doctors, counselors etc. The person with MBP does what she can to present her child as ill or the "victim.". Poisoning or injuring your child is only one component. Subjecting your child to painful or unecessary testing as a result of "made up" suymptoms or illnesses is another. This is a dangerous and very overlooked conditon by medical professionals, most often pediatricians. There is a wealth of information and literature supporting this post. Many MBP mothers come across as "just overprotective and overly concerned." This can be a dangerous and fatal mistake.

I have worked in an inpatient child/adolescent psychiatric unit.

There was a child there whose mother was eventually diagnosed with MSP. She did not cause the symptoms either but would drag her kids to the doctor over minor things, express concerns that these were major things, which led to all sorts of tests, medications etc. Her son gained some weight and she thought it might be a "liver problem." Her children would throw a tantrum and she would call the ambulance to have them admitted to the psychiatric inpatient unit. She would exaggerate symptoms to the physicians and seemed to crave the attention it brought her and validated her as a good parent.

She would choose abusive boyfriends who would victimize her children and then pose as the concerned mother when they needed treatment.

Very, very sick woman with MSP.