Parenting: Friends Talking Community

My anxiety is horrible right now, and I am hoping this might be the place for some advice.

I never suffered from anxiety until I got married. It wasn't that bad until I had children. When my youngest turned 3, I realized it was not going away, so I started taking Cymbalta. I have been doing really well on it. Possibly too well because it has helped me to avoid issues I should have been dealing with.

My husband of almost 12 years is a control freak. He has to control everyone and everything around him. He also has OCD about every mess other than his own. I never noticed any of this until we had children (those cute little people who make messes). He hovers over the children making sure they do things "right" and points out when they are about to do something that he feels is the "incorrect" or "inefficient" way of doing it. He whines and yells at the kids. When they spill WATER he gets upset with them. He stares at the children during dinner to jump on them should their elbow be close to a cup that could get knocked over, if they aren't sitting in their seats properly, if they are about to spill food, etc. He often belittles the kids and I, but I really don't believe he does it consciously. I do ALL the cooking, washing of pots, pans and anything that won't fit in the dishwasher, laundry, cleaning up after the kids, getting the kids ready for anything and everything, including bed. He mows the lawn and loads/unloads the dishwasher (which I am grateful for). I have listed the negatives above, but he is also a kind man, has fun playing with the kids occassionally is a good person at heart.

We have been to counseling. He has tried anti-anxiety meds. Everyone has told him that even though he believes to his core that what he thinks and feels is RIGHT, he is actually more extreme about how he handles things. None of this has helped. He might be kinder and more patient for a day or so, but then he goes back to being super inpatient, which leads to expressions of anger and frustration. He has never been physically abusive with anyone.

Then there is my 9 year old son. He is a gifted underachiever. He tested with a 142 IQ. He hates school, hates math and struggles with all of it. He is bored and doesn't learn what he should because he isn't interested. He does well enough to maintain good grades, but I know he can do better. I think he just doesn't believe in himself and I know his self-esteem is shot. Take a very smart kid and a father who is constantly telling him how to do everything and you have a disaster. I am proud of my son for standing up for himself when his father is telling him what to do and not listening, but it isn't good when he is talks/yells back. They can't be in the same room for more than 30 minutes without fighting. My son has had trouble at school since the day he started going. He picks on the other kids. He has a HUGE impulsive streak, but that is the only aspect of ADHD that he has (meds didn't change anything). This impulsivity gets him in trouble at school on a fairly regular basis because when someone makes him mad, he lashes out.

I believe my son's problems and insecurities come from the way his father treats him. I can't keep watching as my husband gets angry and impatient with the kids. I feel like we should get a divorce. I know he feels that we are "his life" and he doesn't know what he would do without us, but nobody is happy at home!

...............More in a reply because I couldn't post it all here................