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    Parents of Tweens and Teens - Welcome to your home!

    Bundles of hormones, emotions, and insecurities. Rebellion, dating, school problems, peer and societal pressures, its our job to see these kids to adulthood. Get the support you need here!

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    Found Inappropriate Pics of Teen
    TennMoM2 posted:
    My daughter is 15, almost 16. She has had the same boyfriend for about a year now. I found some inappropriate photos on her camera that they took yesterday. He was pulling her shirt up and exposing her. They were at his families house for a couple of hours and were having dinner. I took her camera away, took her phone, and she is grounded for an unlimited time right now. I also told her that she is not going anywhere with her boyfriend for a very long time. I have had issues with her getting too close with him in the past. It seems whenever they are around each other its very hands on and I have spoken to her about it. She always gets angry and says I am accusing her of things she don't do, etc..It's a big dramatic blow up when I mention anything or try to discipline her for anything she does. She only sees her boyfriend on weekends. I really don't know what punishment is appropriate for this. What would you do? Thanks, Beth
    JLinsky responded:
    I don't know the right approach here, but I wonder if it would work to give her some very concrete instructions on what boundaries to set? I know that as a teenager, I was very unsure about what was OK. If I kissed a boy, did that mean I had to let him go further? How much further? It sounds silly, I know, but I really didn't know how to set limits. For me, this meant I stayed away from boys, and I missed out on a lot of relationship "practice". I had to learn everything the hard way, when I was much older. I still don't really know how to date. I plan to give my boys some guidelines, including things like "don't kiss a girl unless you're prepared to be nice to her the next day at school, in front of your friends". At this point, getting your daughter to talk to you may be more important than punishing her.
    rednewbie responded:
    So far so good... you are doing what you need to do.. Take her phone... she is obviously not paying attention to the news where girls are taking photos with the boyfriend and the couple breaks up and the pics end up on the Internet and the all over the school. She needs to have more respect for herself. She is 16. I expect you had a an awful big blowup and it was not fun for any. At 16 kids thinks they are all grown up and know more than us old folks. Did you call the boyfriend parents. I would have .. I know your daughter would freak.. and probably not speak to you for awhile.. But she will survive. I would also look at trading her phone in for a phone without a camera. She has shown great immaturity and lack of knowledge on what is acceptable and what is not. If you do not want to trade her phone in, collect it and keep it. If she needs it.. she returns it to you once she is home daily. And gets it the next day. She will survive without texting her friends for a while. Like 2 weeks at least. As for accusing her of things she did not do. Her behavior she has done does indicate there is more going on. If she does not want people to think things about her, don't do the behavior that leads to others thinking it. I would allow boyfriend over in a few weeks, but treat them as they have broken trust and keep them in your eyesight. Until you feel you can trust them again. On a side note, I would check her Myspace page, I would be willing to bet she might have pics on there you do not approve. Its tough, but us parents have to be tougher. Its sad, that kids are growing up so fast and as parents its our responsibility to talk to our kids. Cruise around My space with your daughter looking at her friends sites. Talk about them.. Why certain things worry you and what you think it makes you think of her friends. Good luck.. Gin
    SabrinaMom responded:
    ITA with Gin. The inappropriate pix are a *major* issue, and you have to deal with that head on even if it makes your daughter angry. Calling the boy's parents.........ABSOLUTELY!!!! They need to know the kind of behavior their son is participating in so they can also deal with it. Given the fact that this took place in their house, there is clearly not enough supervision taking place over there. Losing access to any cameras around our house would be one step. I like the idea of getting a phone without a camera for her to use, too. She had her chance to be responsible with a camera phone, and she blew it. I would try to find out if pictures were sent to any other phones. You might need to do some damage control if the pictures were forwarded anywhere (and that might involve yet even more parents). What I didn't realize is that forwarding "inappropriate pictures" can be labeled as passing pornography. Depending on the nature of the pictures and where they were forwarded to, teens *can* find themselves facing legal problems. I would probably let her know that if there are any other incidents, she just might lose her cell phone altogether. Having a cell phone is a privilege, and she needs to show herself responsible enough for that privilege. If she has a My Space or Facebook, I would check out what is there. Teenagers just don't realize how dangerous this kind of thing can be, and they don't realize that this kind of thing can come back to haunt a person YEARS into the future. Do a little research on the internet and give them some articles about just how this can hurt them in the future......being rejected for a job, being fired, loss of reputation, online perverts who might get a hold of these pictures, etc. I wouldn't necessarily stop them from seeing each other, but for awhile, I would expect them to be in a supervised setting. They chose to act out with this picture thing, and now it's time to face the consequences. They won't like it, but what kid or teen does like to face the consequences to his/her actions? As parents, it's up to us to say when they've crossed a line and take the necessary actions to prevent it happening again. I know I sound pretty harsh over this. I recently had to deal with a situation with a classmate of my 12 year old daughter. My daughter and one of her friends told me that little girl had a My Space page, and they were concerned. When I looked at the page, I was appalled at what I found. I went to the school the next day and involved the school vice-principal and counselor. These kids just have NO CLUE of the kind of fire they might be playing with. It's all innocent fun to them. :frown:
    bellababy125 responded:
    I would definately agree with JLinksy. Talk with her! That's something I wish my mother would've done more in my teen years. And please, please, please, EXPLAIN to her WHY you're punishing her. Also, raising her up in a house of good morals always helps too so she'll have a good conscience.
    jamhi75 responded:
    I was your teenage daughter. I had boyfriends I got close to and took inappropriate pix. this was back in the day before we had cell phones, let alone ones with cameras. We took them to Walgreen's and had them developed when we went to pick them up the manager came to see us. It seems that some people who worked in the photo department were under 18 and she felt it was very wrong for us to expose these people to the photos we had taken. She was right. You don't know who is going to see these pix. You don't know if anyone has forwarded them to other people. You don't know if they are on the internet right now. These are things teenagers don't consider. If you have younger children in the house, have her consider how she would feel if they saw the pix. Talk to her about how she might feel if she saw someone else she knows exposed like that. I am not advocating shame as a punishment, but it is something she might not have considered in the moment with her boyfriend. Because when my mother found out some things about me, I DID feel ashamed and thought about my actions and the reactions of others later if they found out. Of course she is mad and going to blow up, but is it because she is mad or is it because she knows you are right?
    pretzelogic responded:
    This is definately something that needs to be addressed by both families. Your daughter is only 15? It still amazes me that kids are dating by age 12 and 13, even 15 seems a bit young to have a "boyfriend". Any type of sexual picture is inappropriate and if they were to transmit those pics to a computer, who knows where they could end up, as well as be commiting a crime by transmitting porn involving a minor. You are right to discipline her but there must be dialogue as well.
    RifeDelight responded:
    As someone who had taken inappropriate pictures as a teen, I speak from personal experiance, it is a BAD thing. Remind her that pictures can find themselves in the wrong hands, parents, teachers, 'frenemies', it can get on the internet and then everyone can see them. Find a time when the both of you can talk, like a car ride, or some other activity, remain calm and don't accuse anything. Explain to her that those pictures can be detramental to her later. Remind her of all the celebrities, like Brittney spears who had photos of her 'down there' area plastered everywhere when she had gotton out of the limo. NO ONE, thought britney was 'cute' or 'funny' they called her 'stupid' and other words like a 's***'. I'm sure she can understand that.

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