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Hard Decision
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cathy9850 posted:
This is a very long story, so I'll cut to the chase. On Jan 3rd 2009, my husband and I are kicking our 18yr old son out. He turns 18 on the 2nd. He just finished high school on Dec 17th and has given us nothing but grief for the last 5 years. We have taken him to so many therapist over the years, at his request mind you, but he ends up not going. He is very strong willed and intelligent. One of those "non-confromists" types who always thought school was a waste of his time. He has major issues that he will not face. His biggest problem is his pot use. It is the core of all of his problems, but he refuses to deal with it. God knows we have tried, prayed cried and been so deeply hurt. He knows the rules about not smoking that crap in our home. We have threatened over and over again. He will go for long periods of time NOT smoking in the home, and then...he does. Last night was the last straw. We held back from kicking him out in the past because he was only 17. Well he turns 18 on Friday and we told him today he is OUT on Saturday. He has no job or $ but we do not care. His blatent disregard for our rules ( which by the way where not too hard to follow) has been unbelievable. He knows he has been given special gifts from God. But he chooses to ignore these gifts. All we feel we can do for him know is kick him out and pray pray pray. He is very deep and intellectual. So very hard to figure out. Has anyone been through anything like this? My heart is breaking...
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lilacs4me2 responded:
I've been through it, but not as a parent. I think what you need to do is stop telling him he's got special gifts and tell him he's just an ordinary kid who wants what he wants when he wants it, and he's going to have to grow up and learn that life will be what he makes it. Seriously. I know you mean well and love him more than your own life, but stop telling him about his gifts and start telling him about his responsibilities. Also, my guess is that his pot use isn't his biggest problem. His biggest problem is probably depression, and the fact that nothing in his life is more exciting than his pot use, so that's become his focus. My guess is that he's got no idea what to do next. Your son needs to see that there's a great big world out there and it's not going to be handed to him because he's smart. Tell him smart, lazy kids get to watch all their less intelligent, motivated friends succeed. Tell him that if he thinks he's depressed now, to wait until his friends start making something of their lives. Then he'll really be depressed! So, show him some college campuses, show him i something worth working toward and tell him you'll help him get there from where he is. Don't give up on him.
 
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cathy9850 responded:
You are so right. He does suffer from depression. He won't do anything about it. We will never give up on him. He does need a kick in the pants and to get out there and see it for himself. I like what you said about seeing his less motivated friends succeed. About the college thing, been there done that. He insists on going LATER. We all know what that means. It's like talking to a brick wall. He will not listen to anyone. Not even the one therapist who he DID talk to. He has two sisters who are both college grads that have tried to talk to him til they are blue in the face. He just treats them like crap too. He has had every opportunity put before him. Thanks for your response.
 
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g8tor1989 responded:
I think this is every parent's nightmare. When they are young, you see their potential and know they are destined for great things. Then they take a wrong turn and wonder where you have gone wrong. I think you are doing the only thing you can by letting him go; part of that 'if you love them set them free-tough love' philosophy. And lilacs response was so dead-on as well. Since I don't have a teen yet, I don't know if I can offer you any advice, but just wanted to let you know I feel for you and support your decision. I think its what I would do if I was in your shoes. Hang in there. I hope everything works out for the best for you son.
 
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purplishkittah responded:
Try contacting the local law enforcement about taking him in to see the jail.. or do a pretend/trial arrest. Because as long as he does nothing but smoke pot it is a very realistic ideal that he may end up there with pot being illeagal and all. Try that. Maybe a good dose of reality may help.
 
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kolbyhoney responded:
I'm facing the same issue - super intelligent teen using pot and whatever else I haven't found out about - I can truly say that until you are in the situation as a parent, you have no idea what to do or what you can do. Your teens will make their own decisions and all you can do is hope that you will move them in a way that they see that their actions are causing so much heartache - and make them suffer the consequences of their choices. (being kicked out, or losing the cell phone, no friends allowed in the home, etc.) I'm a big believer of keeping them close - I wish I had answers - but what happens when the pot leads to other drugs? When do we get to stop worrying and stop caring? When your family is starting, you don't think about facing hard issues when they are teens...(if I only knew). All I can say is, my heart is breaking with you and I also feel like giving up - but then what? Take a good look at the things you give him (other than food, shelter) and don't give him anything more. He has to be getting money somewhere to be able to support the smoking habit. Try not to make it about "your rules" but about life choices. Where will his actions take him? I could go on an on, because I know how much it hurts, hang in there though...at least you know you aren't alone.
 
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JeannieMarie2008 responded:
Well if your son doesnt want to follow the rules then basically you have no choice... Im 19 and i have made a lot of mistakes... but if it wasnt for me to move out of my house when i was 18 i dont believe i would have gone to college... i didnt even finish high school.. he is lucky that you have held on this long.. im not sayin give up on your son... just let him see for himself that actin this way and not listening goes a lot farther then listening to your parents!! let him see how the real world is,.. becuz momma and daddy cant always be there for him to bail him out of trouble.. dont blame yourself and pray that he comes out of this immature stage!!
 
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smile14313 responded:
Im currently going thru the exact same thing. My sons issues are very similiar. Very intelligent. Yet so stupid. My son has a mental illness. He is bipolar .(TODAY......more on that at another time) We have had tons of issues with the law. Drinking,stealing,lying etc. He was released less than 2 months ago from incarceration. With no meds or scripts. We are having a hell of a time getting his meds. Intakes,evals etc. This incarceration has been a eye opening experience for him. For the first time in his life he wants to take them. He now sees and understands his illness a little better. But without them hes deteriorating quickly. My daughter and now fiancee are accusing me of enabling him . Im not sure he will make it until the end of the month. They are justifiably angry about his actions as of late. They want me to throw him out. If I do that he will be incarcerated for the next 3 years as hes on probation. At this very moment I dont know where he is and am praying he will be safe. They dumped all over him tonight. Hes almost killed himself twice since he got out. Mental illness is heartbreaking. Sometimes we have to let go for our own sanity. And pray....and pray...and pray. I hope this helps your heart even if its just a bit. Self medicating with drugs and alcohol are a very common issue with mental health issues. Im a great listener and can always use someone to talk too. Smile14313@aol.com is where I can be contacted. We can exchange numbers if you like. I wish you well. As well as your son and your family. Sincerely Laurie
 
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bellyneeds responded:
First of all I want to say that I'm 21 and am a parent. As a parent I think about these things often and although my baby is only one, I wonder what decisions I will make if she makes bad ones. I understand kicking your son out of your home, but then I wonder where he will go and if where he goes will make him worse off then if he had been home in the first place, not only because of who he'll be with, but also because if he's having issues it's going to be difficult for him to grasp onto the fact that now even you've given up on him. On the other hand, if you continue to protect him, he might never realize how much you're doing for him because leaving from home makes you realize many things, whether you've got problems or not. I found a website that gives a better input as to what will be better for your teen and for yourself as well. I wish you the best, bellyneeds
 
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bellyneeds responded:
I tried putting a link, but it didn't work. This is the website though: www.aadac.com/565_515.asp
 
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momfour responded:
Hi there from Whittier California. I must say that I feel for you and that you have done a great job of listening, bending over and praying. I am in the same position now with my youngest son. The only advise I could possibly give is to take everything away from him. Cell phone, game stations, TV, money and cuddling. If he thinks he is all big and bad, then he should start acting his age. You are no longer responsible for him. You might even drop a hint about the cost of rent since he's going to be living somewhere. Or there is always the military which does a great job with disciplining our so call tough kids. Out of my 4 kids, my son is the 2nd smartest child I have. But obviously with the least amount of common sense. This year I have stopped handing out money and rushing home to make dinner after work. I stopped doing everyone elses laundry 3 years ago. And all the play stations and bedroom TV's have been removed. This has changed my so call tough son immensly. If you need to talk some more please contact me @ oliveoil5@msn.com I am at your service. I will keep you in my prayers daily. Do me a favor. Do something fun for yourself everyday. Take a dance class or a craft class. Start taking care of you. Sincerely, Olivia
 
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infoshare responded:
Your son no doubt has a chemical imbalance. That is likely why he chooses to use pot. Think back to when he was born...was there a traumatic experience before the age of 1 or drug use by either parent? Did he have behavioral problems all while growing up? Did he have learning disablities in school? He needs therapy and the help of mental health care professionals. Self medication is self destructive.
 
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jaka1009 responded:
What would you say if I asked you this... one if your son was gone forever? Yes it's been overwhelming in the last 5 yrs. yes he may need help, he is at that awkward age. He doesn't know where to turn even when the answer could be very well right in front of him. My son was tragically killed @ age 17. He sounds like a carbon copy of your son. Don't give up, don'tgive out, do what you have to do to help your son survive in this crazy mixed up world. God said forgive not 7 X 7 right? I know it 's overwhelming, but keep being supportive. He's your son and you and your husband were given the awesome responsiblity to be his parents by God. Remember children are a blessing not a curse. Don't quit... While there is still breath their is still hope...
 
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yoopergranny responded:
I'm sorry for your pain. We have been through the same thing, and I'm sure have tried all the same things. It is the most difficult thing to do what you need to do, but you are right. Sometimes, children, becoming young adults, need to learn things the hard way as difficult as it can be for you and for them; but, I truly believe it is their only chance. I know, because I was a child just like that, in my own world, not understanding others, others not understanding me and I blamed everyone else. It took a few years, but I finally learned. The best advice I can give you, is what I learned myself (and what I hope my son will learn). No matter what, continue to pray for him. Teach him, as you have been, by your actions, your deeds and your faith. Continue to show him that you love him, but not his actions. Stand firm. Give guidance when he asks; otherwise, take a deep breath, say a prayer and allow him to stumble and learn how to walk all over again.
 
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RaynesMomma responded:
i think the thing you have to know is that you are doing the right thing. your son is like most kids his age and thinks he knows more than you. sadly the fact that the real world is out there will kick him in the pants but it has to be done. take it from me. i am a 24 yr old mom to a 2 1/2 year old. i know it sounds weird but i know what made me the strong mother and woman i am today is that my parents made me do it on my own and i paid for my own mistakes PERIOD. this is what your son needs. i needed it, i went to college on my own at 18 and made some stupid decisions, almost got kicked out, thought i knew better and wasn't listening to my parents no matter how much they yelled. so they did what you have to do. told me to get out and get lost for a while. and i struggled to finish school but i did it. and on top of that all i got pregnant. BUT it all worked out. i've been with my boyfriend for 7 years and he's a wonderful father and i'm a good mom. but i WOULD NOT be the person i am if my parents didn't kick me out on my own. they loved me then and love me now but it's like my dad always says " i had to pay with our (mine and his) relationship then to have a good one now".. it will all work out, don't give up on him!


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