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Mother/Son Affection
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AMom1992 posted:
My son and I have always been close because I raised him alone for his 1st 11 years. I always showed him physical affection with hugs and kisses (when he was younger). He is now 18 and lives 750 miles away from me. He is only home a few weeks a year, but when he is home he still will come up and hug me, kiss me on the check and sit next to me on the couch. There is nothing sexual in the exchanges, he is just affectionate by nature. My new husband (we have been married 5 years) feels that this is not right. He has always felt that my son "hangs" on me and that he will not have a normal relationship with a woman.
How much affection is too much? Does this seem damaging? I don't want to turn my son away, but I don't want to encourage behavior that is not healthy.
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An_221588 responded:
Dont let your husband make you feel like your doing something wrong there is nothing wrong with a mother being affectionate to her children if he was 5 or if he was 45 your his mother thats part of your job look at nature expecially with mamals its natural for you to do this your husband needs to be more open minded just because he did not grow up this way doesnt mean its wrong. You are a loving caring mom your husband is the perverted one for thinking this way im sure most mothers would agree.
 
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AMom1992 replied to An_221588's response:
Thank you! I just needed a little support.
 
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An_221589 replied to AMom1992's response:
No problem you keep doing what your doing you sound like a great caring mom dont let anyone tell you different.
 
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andi72071 replied to An_221589's response:
I totally agree. Your husband sound s bit jealous to me! You never know what can happen so I say love your son as much as you want! I grew up in a very very close Italian family where the affection runneth over, I am 38 and it still does and we're not perverts at all! I am all over my kids, it drives them nuts but I don't care!
 
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Louise_WebMD_Staff responded:
I don't thing there is anything wrong there. Is there something else going on that might make it be "odd"?
 
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Boyzmomee responded:
I have a 20 year old son in the military. He comes home and he hugs me and we sit together.

He also does something else....he'll hold up his right hand straight up for me to put my palm there. When he was a little boy we used to do that and I told him then that someday he was going to be a big strong man and his hands would be larger and stronger than mine. He didn't believe me..then.

I taught him that his strength is to be used to protect his woman and children.

He has normal realtionships with the opposite sex.
 
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fcl responded:
There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. You and your husband just grew up in different environments.

I grew up in the north of Scotland - nobody hugs, nobody touches, kisisng on the cheek is out of the question but we all know inherently that we are loved. It just isn't expressed physically. I now live in the Mediterranean region of France (would your family be from this area? Italy? Greece? Spain? North Africa?) ... touching is like breathing... It took me a long, long time to accept this. A person talking to me would move closer (because we didn't have the same "personal space" - it's purely cultural) and I'd move back because I fely my space was being invaded ... Sometimes it must have looked like we were dancing. Anyway, I have learned to hug and cuddle and kiss on cheeks and speak to people who have their hand on my arm and all the rest with the best of them (lol). However, I still do not do this with my Scottish family - it wouldn't feel right for them nor for me.

Your husband needs to accept that this is just the way things are in your family and GET OVER IT. Do not turn your son away. He's had 18 years of this kind of family behavior ... your husband is a mere beginner (lol).
 
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willrodgers responded:
My wife of 2 years has a 19 yr old son. She is with him constantly. She says I am jealous when I point out that this is not natural. She is constantly defending him. I can exercise no discipline on him and she becomes angry. If I even mention something simple like "Your son [I use his name> was... today". She will ask," Why are you always telling me my son is bad?" one night I had some words with him about taking out the trash. Late that night I awoke to find her in his room. I did not have the courage to go in and find out what was going on. He calls her every time we go out together without him. He sends her text msg all day. If I say anything to him when she is not there he sends her a text, and she is angry with me when she gets home. This is not normal,
 
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infinitympg replied to willrodgers's response:
You should have known going into the relationship that she and her son were so close. From there, you would have some idea of the space she has for you in her life, right? Saying "This is not normal" is not only incredibly judgmental, it's simply wrong since you are not at all in a position to define normalcy. Ultimately you should accept their healthy, expressive familial relationship, or move on with your life, just don't interfere.
 
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Boyzmomee replied to willrodgers's response:
No, this is not normal and neither is "disciplining" a 19 year old man.
 
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An_247117 responded:
I have a 19 year old son who is the product of a divorce. His father and I divorced when he was 13. I spent most of the time with my son as my husband worked 2 hours away and was with us 3 days a week. My son wasn't any easy child and suffered from adhd and my new boyfriend didn't understand a child with this disorder. In any event, my son and I were very close as I spent most of the time with him from his birth until the boyfriend came into the picture and moved in with us and then it was the 3 of us daily. Long story short, he is now in college but comes home in the summer to visit. Last night, he decided to show me affection while I was lying down on the sofa he came up behind me and laid down putting his arm around me and kissing my back. I could feel my significant other getting very angry, and he excused himself and went into the other room. He said it was very unusual for a kid that age to show affection to his mother in that way. I didn't want to tell my son that his way of showing affection right there and then might be inappropriate because I didn't want him to think I was resisting his affection. I did sit up and tell him that I was hot and feeling claustrophobic. I feel like I have to be careful in what I say to him because of how he felt living with me and my significant other while he an adolescent, as he felt not liked or wanted by my sig. other and also replaced. Also, with his adhd it adds a whole new dimension to the situation because people with this disorder tend to not have filters. I would love to get some feedback on this so I know absolutely if this behavior is inappropriate on my son's behalf or not so I can figure out a way to kindly broach this subject with him. At first I thought he was cuddling with me but then I googled spooning which seemed more like it and the thought of that seemed scary to me because cuddling is a kiss or hug and sitting next to someone. Can someone help me out with this?
 
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fcl responded:
There is nothing wrong with your son. Your new husband needs to get over himself.
 
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fcl replied to fcl's response:
My post was directed to the OP not the last poster...


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