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My 12 yr old daughter
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An_221712 posted:
My daughter is 12 yrs old and is in the 7th grade. She plays basketball and volleyball and has always been the type of girl to fix herself up. She flatirons her hair, wants to wear the designer clothes, and this year started using some make up. She told me she had a BF which I wasn't too crazy about, but I went along with it because I didn't want her to start to hide stuff from me. So when she told me his name....I looked him up on FB and saw that he seemed to be a VERY popular boy with the girls. Well during this time my daughter is hanging out with an 8th grader and she also plays basketball. This other girl is not very feminant and is very tomboyish. Well next thing I know my daughter I noticed some stuff on her BF's FB that I didn't like so I ask her if she is still talking to him. She tells me no and I thought it was kinda odd cause when I asked "why?" She couldn't really come up with an answer. I started to get suspicious if something was going on with the tomboyish girl. My daughter has told me on different occasions about girls kissing girls at school. I told my husband so one day he decides to just take my daughter's phone and she got very nervous. After looking through her texts it was very obvious my daughter and this girl where like if they were a couple. When I confronted my daughter she said they had kissed. I was so upset. To this day she says she doesn't know why and that she is NOT gay. But in the back of my mind I can't stop wondering. My 19 yr old son says its a thing that girls do. I'm in shock and very saddened by this. Has anyone experienced this? HOw will I ever know if this was just experienmenting or curiousity?? This whole ordeal is totally eatting away at me........ :"(
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An_221713 responded:
I have not gone through this....yet, but my daughter (almost 11) has seemed to have some crushes on girls. She has a boyfriend right now and seems very much into him. But not very long ago I noticed her and her bff were getting very close. Either way, it doesn't matter to me who she is attracted to as long as she is safe in the future.

I do have to say though, why is it that we have to feel "saddened" or disappointed in our child's sexual orientation? If they are happy and are being safe, then we as parents should feel proud that we have raised our kids to be okay with who they are and hope that they feel at ease to talk to us about whatever they are feeling. I think that our society still has such a stigma attached to being gay or bisexual.

I know that no matter what my children feel about the same or opposite sex, I will be there to listen with an open mind and heart.
 
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An_221714 replied to An_221713's response:
I will love my daughter no matter what the outcome is, however, WHO really wants their kids to be gay? Yes, of course I want my kid to be happy....I don't think that was the question. Again, who doesn't want their kid to be happy? Yes, maybe i am one of the members of society who finds gay or bisexuals abnormal. I believe a man and woman was created for a reason. And I do have friends who are gay and I respect that, but it doesn't mean I agree with it. Bisexual in my opinion is someone who is confused about their sexual preference. Either you are gay or your not.....there shouldn't be a grey line.
 
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An_221715 replied to An_221714's response:
I never said that you don't want your child to be happy. I am just pointing out how our society and as parents, we make our children so uncomfortable to be and feel how they want.

And reguarding the "there shouldn't be a grey line" comment. More people need to realize that this world is FULL of grey lines.
 
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tothebeach4 replied to An_221714's response:
I have to agree with the PP. To be honest, whether you believe there should or shouldn't be a gray area when it comes to sexuality doesn't matter because there is a gray area. You having such a strong stance on where you child falls on the spectrum of sexuality ("either you are gay or you're not) is doing more damage than good. You have to let your daughter find out for herself what she prefers and just be there to support and guide her when she needs you to, not when you decide you need to interject.
 
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twins1998 replied to An_221715's response:
I strongly believe that if someone is gay...they are born that way. I don't believe it is something that happens over night. I also believe that my daughter has been influenced. According to other parents I have spoken to and what I've read on the internet "girls kissing girls" seems to be a fad. I don't understand why, but it is. As a whole week has passed since this incident, she is opening up to me about the whole situation. She says now that she was confused and just was curious. Me & my daughter have always had an open relationship. So I guess only time will be able to tell if this was just curiousity or not, because deep in my heart I don't see her as being gay or bi. She had never showed any signs that she would be.
 
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An_221716 responded:
So when she's with the sketchy GUY it's alright, you won't say anything because you want open communication...

but when she's with an assumedly nice female, you get Dad involved, go through her phone, get her upset, question her sexuality, and are being torn up inside?

really?
 
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An_221717 replied to twins1998's response:
I agree with PP's statement, So when she's with the sketchy GUY it's alright, you won't say anything because you want open communication...

but when she's with an assumedly nice female, you get Dad involved, go through her phone, get her upset, question her sexuality, and are being torn up inside?


I'm sorry but it seems like she is telling you what she thinks you WANT/NEED to hear. It sounds like you have already made it known to her that you do not approve of her behavior and she is reacting as such to tell you she was "confused and curious".

You are right that time will tell with her sexuality....lets just hope that she doesn't feel too isolated and alone to discuss with you.

"because deep in my heart I don't see her as being gay or bi. She had never showed any signs that she would be. "....this is what is wrong with our society today, we are still stuck on the "signs" of being gay. Trust me...there are probably many people you associate with on a daily basis that are either gay, lesbian, or bisexual and you would never know unless they tell you.
 
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FCL replied to twins1998's response:
IT's not a fad - teenage girls having crushes on other girls (especially older girls and teachers) has been happening since time immemorial and has little bearing on their eventual sexual orientation. These days it's just that there is not so much stigma about it that makes people think it's something new.

As for no grey areas ... try to think of sexual orientation as a sliding scale with 100% gay at one end and 100% hetero at the other. It's not a black and white issue.
 
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twins1998 replied to An_221716's response:
Who mentioned anything about the guy being SKETCHY??? I'm sorry if you think being gay or bi is NORMAL.....it is not even though it is more acceptable in society than it was 20 years ago. And in my opinion YES her having a relationship with a girl is ABNORMAL and SERIOUS enough to get her dad involved. A crush with another little boy is NORMAL. However, if I found out she and the boy were having sex I would tell my husband. Geez people!
 
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twins1998 replied to FCL's response:
Well if its not a fad then I'm not sure what it is.....but if you research it on the internet...it is also stated as being a fad. So therefore, alot of other people are wrong....
 
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bearsgurl replied to twins1998's response:
Wow....so now it has gone from just disapproving of being gay or bisexual to "ABNORMAL"? Clearly you have some strong, albeit very bigotted, opinions and nothing anyone says here that is not in agreeance with you matters.

I hope that someday, this "fad" will quit getting new names and just be accepted for what it is.....one person loving another person, reguardless of gender.
 
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Lainey_WebMD_Staff responded:
Reminder,

Everyone has a different style and everyone's opinion is welcome as long as it's expressed with consideration and respect, the same consideration and respect you would expect to receive from others.

You all have a lot to give, both information and support. Please feel free to share your opinion and please do so without being combative, and allow other members, particularly newcomers, to decide for themselves.

When a discussion degenerates into back and forth arguing and/or attacking those posts will be removed, and valid opinions get lost.

Thanks,

Lainey
 
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An_221718 replied to twins1998's response:
"BF...which I wasn't too crazy about....he seemed to be VERY popular with girls..."

That would seem to imply that you had somewhat more legitimate reasons to suspect him of hurting/manipulating your daughter than the girl.

Also, if we're talking completely clinically, having lesbian, gay, or bisexual relationships IS abnormal. The oft-quoted statistic is about 1/10 of people are homosexual, so that puts 9/10 in the heterosexual category. Where in my post did I say that homosexuality was normal? Where did I defend being gay? Then again, biologically it's "abnormal" for peoples of different cultures to meet and reproduce together. It's only because it's become "more acceptable in society" that this happens. Just trying to say, just because something is "abnormal" doesn't mean it's bad. Doesn't mean it's good either, but it doesn't make it bad.

However, kids having crushes on members of the same sex is actually completely normal. It's a way for them to safely explore affectionate feelings, but because most of these kids don't turn out to be gay, there are no expectations (especially sexually) of them. When you say that bisexuality is a trend, what it actually is is the mainstream being more aware of something that's been going on basically forever. Heck, even the super wholesome Judy Blume book have girls practicing kissing on each other. It's a pretty routine part of adolescent psychology, but because our culture has to make everything more titilating the headline "Girls Kissing Girls!" sells more papers than "Girls Doing What Girls Have Been Doing Forever".

I gotta say, most kids don't talk to their parents about things that don't pertain to them. When your daughter initially came to you and said that girls were doing that in school, she was probably just testing the water to see how you'd react. A child who is disinterested in what was going on simply would not have brought up such a potentially awkward topic unless they really wanted to talk about it. I'm not saying this to be critical, but I think you blew a really good opportunity to talk to your daughter about sexuality with all this. Your thoughts on homosexuality can be whatever they are, and you have every right to tell your daughter what you believe. But it's also your responsibilty a a parent to listen to your child, and she could very well have been trying to sort out her feelings. By making her feel like she's doing something bad, abnormal, however you want to phrase it, you're shutting a door.

I personally don't believe your daughter is gay, or even bisexual. I think your daughter is completely "normal" and developed a crush on a cool girl. What is a crush, really? It's the admiration of someone for being pretty, smart,funny, all other qualities that people find positive, but not really acting on it. Some silly eighth grade relationship, hetero or homosexual shouldn't change how you feel about your child.It shouldn't change how you see your child. It should be part of your daughter growing into a woman, and you should be guiding her through that with as much love as possible.
 
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lalagirl7070 responded:
I don't think it is as much curiosity as it is wanting to fit in. If she is popular and trying to stay in the in crowd, she may be trying to make sure she is noticed. This is very common at this age.
Just keep a watch on her and be honest with her about your feelings on the matter. Try to have a talk with her, just you and without her dad. This might help er open up a bit. She should know that it is okay to have a lot of friends and be popular, but it is not okay to be in the "in crowd" if she is feeling like she can't be herself and she has to be someone else to be liked by people.


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