Parenting: Preteens & Teenagers Community

Not a suggestion, but my cousin never really got along with her stepfather. She never knew her real father. I think she was around 10-12 when her mother remarried. To be honest, he was never very fatherly with her.

Honestly, since the young man is in college, not sure there's much to be done about it. The mother could suggest family counseling to see if maybe they can reach a point where the son is civil with the stepfather and can at least survive going to dinner as a family, but so much time has passed and he might be too resistant to change. Part of it depends on the stepfather, too. The best time for counseling would have been early on, but it's never too late if everyone is open to change. Perhaps even just the mother and son going together first and bringing the stepfather in later if at all.

Sounds like the divorce/separation from the father really affected this young man and he never learned how to deal with those feelings in a constructive manner and bottles them up until they burst. it really does sound like your cousin and his mother need to be able to talk in a non-confrontational way where she really listens to his concerns about her changing relationship. Some children really do not handle their parents breaking up well at all and they need help navigating their emotions.

Yeah I just fell like thats crazy for them all to stay in the same house and they never speak to eachother, I know I cant stay in the same house with a person and not say one word to them, But his step father doesnt reallt act like an adult either, because he never really tried to talk to my cousin either, I mean come on now, your the adult, atleast let the dude know your not an "oh so bad" person, its just like he doesnt care if my cousin talk to him or not, and thats when it makes me mad, because your married to my uncle and your going to have to treat him like you treat her other two kids. Which are his two kids by my aunt, my cousin is not his kid, so he kind of make him look like the out child, maybe thats why they never talk, idk. But I just dont like the whole situation and something needs to be done, before somebody explode....

You don't say how old is your cousin, but if he's in college already he should be over 18 and maybe he should consider moving out of the house your aunt and husband share. Just a thought.

Sorry so late getting back to this one - we were out of town. Some 'men' out there do not like the kids from previous relationships. They see them as a threat because it's a link back to another man, a reminder that their 'woman' was with someone else. This is why they say the non-father boyfriend is one of the biggest hazards in a young child's life. You see so many stories in the news where the boyfriend has killed or harmed the girlfriend's child - probably because he has no vested attachment to that child and subconciously sees at as a rival of the mother's affection. These are men who are unable to control those primal urges. Look in nature and when a new dominant male takes over a wolf pack, pride of lions, etc the first thing he does is kill the offspring off his predecessor. as humans we should be able to look past that and there are many men who make wonderful stepfathers (my BIL is one who is actually a better father than the dirtbag sperm donor who once he found out SIL was remarrying asked when her new husband would be adopting the boy - he was only concerned about not having to be on the hook for any more child support).

It does sound like it is an issue on both sides. I'm sure the stepfather wishes the young man would hurry up and get out of his house so that he no longer has that reminder of the past/competition for his affection.

Seriously though, my cousin almost never spoke to her stepfather. We would visit up there for about 2 weeks at a time, and other than passing on a message about dinner being ready or some other instance where her mother told her to tell him something (or him telling us he wanted the TV), there was just a handful of words spoken between them. We generally just ended up avoiding him and spending most of the time together at our grandparents' house where we wouldn't have to see him.

Unless they both decide to be adult and apologize (which male pride will keep them from doing unless there is some sort of intervention where they are forced to sit down at the table and communicate the source of their disfunction), I wouldn't hold my breath.

The son probably has some resentment about his mother 'replacing' his father. If you've not watched the movie 'Parenthood' I think it does a good job showing the range of personality types you get in people. The young teen boy of the divorced mother does a great job showing how easy it is to retreat from family.

There's not likely anything you can do. If your aunt isn't willing to push both parties to change, they won't. and even if she does, it's no guarantee that both sides would want to come to a more normal relationship. i can understand how it seems odd to you, but to them it has become normal.

Yes you are so right, I just hate it has to be that way, but my cousin is becoming a young adult and has the urges to move out. He has been staying with our grandmother lately so I dont know if he is going to be styaing there for now on or what....but I prey and hope they get themselves together. Its crazy they never talk, but like you said, it may not be normal to me, but its normal to them.