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Wife is too physically and emotionally close to 19 yr old son
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An_241167 posted:
Can you give me an objective read on this?
I married a woman from Europe. She moved to the US with me almost 2 years ago. We have had a perfect relationship: Fun, good sex, love and we share a strong religious belief. During our time together, we have had almost no disagreements, other than the normal ones two newlyweds have in adjusting to living together. I mean it has been bliss; unlike the years of Hell I endured in my first marriage. This a second for each of us.
Recently her 19 yr old son arrived, and it has been a nightmare. He is so spoiled by her, she will not ask him to do do anything, and if I say something she attacks me and says I hurt her feelings by saying anything to him.
We had a long discussion about this and both of us were very open There was no arguments. We agreed that he is not mature since she divorced when he was about 9 and has lived with ther and her mother for the past 10 years. I would say he has the emotional maturity of a 10 yr old. For example, he wanted to look for a job, and he insisted that I come with him. He speaks perfect English, and so I did not see why I should go. However, I did at her urging. Needless to say, no one hired him.
So, she agreed that I could speak with him and give him some ground rules, and pointers on manhood. I did so that evening. Then I went to bed. She told me she was emotionally distraught and wanted to watch TV to calm down. I awoke about 2AM and did not see her anywhere in the house. She must have heard me get up. As I headed back to bed I saw her coming out of his room. She told me he was upset and so she was calming him. This is very strange to me. I am not acting out jealousy as some have said. I am concerned for her relationship with him, and our marriage, and his gross immaturity at age age 19. Our loving and close relationship is taking a beating, and I am seeking help.
There is more about his constant texting her at work, and her giving him back rubs and sitting close as they watch TV. I am a regular American guy and this is not normal to me. I am thinking incest and odeipal tendencies. Am I reading the signs wrong or what?

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Anon_167186 responded:
this to me does not sound normal!! i would try some family counseling, im not close with my parents at all, but my husband and his mother are very very close but not that close. since you have talked to her about it and nothing has changed i would try sitting down with a family counsouler. Good Luck!!
 
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fcl responded:
I think it's time he had an evaluation done - having the emotional maturity of a 10 yo is a huge red flag to me. If he turns out to have psychological issues that would explain why your wife is overly protective of him (his history of living with her and her mother and the divorce does not in any way explain his behaviour) and, in turn, her over-protectiveness would explain why it hasn't been picked up on yet because it acted as a smoke screen.

What does his doctor say? What about his school in Europe? I'd be surprised if nobody had ever approached your wife or your MIL about this...
 
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phoenix31674 responded:
I do think that counseling - family counseling - would be a good idea. It would also be a good idea for him to take some sort of life skills classes through a community college or some other resource the counselor could provide.

You don't say which European country she comes from. This can provide some insight because each country has different cultures. For example, in Italy it has become very common for a male child to be coddled by his mother until quite late, even into his 30s. Some parents are okay with this while others want their sons to grow up and leave the nest even though they have not been given the tools to do so.

But it is also possible she has developed an unhealthy relationship with her son because he became the 'man of the house' and the fact that he loves her without question.
 
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willrodgers replied to fcl's response:
thanks for the response:

He has no Dr. He just moved here from Lithuania. He has been in school all his life. When he was about 8 he had a weight problem. My wife took him to counseling. He lost weight and is not a body builder and thin.
He did well in school academically, but had no or few friends.
Regards,
Will
 
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willrodgers replied to phoenix31674's response:
Thanks for the response,

I am looking into family counseling, but I don't know if my wife will agree. She may look at as me attacking her son. they are Lithuanian and she was under Communism most of her life.
I know many families there and I lived there for some time and visited often over the past 6 years. I do not see other families act like this with their sons. In fact most men there seek independence at an early age. It is a "mans Country" and women are usually subservient to men doing all the household chores while the men do nothing at home. It is almost a taboo for men to do dishes of serve food. So I can understand why her son will do nothing around the house. But that is not my issue with him. Yes I believe she does look at him as the "man" of the house which is a problem for me since I am her husband, and it seems she is torn between the two of us. However, I am a typical American husband who has no problem clearing my own dishes and cooking food. So perhaps that diminishes my manhood for her. While on the other hand her son does nothing and she waits on his every need. Perhaps I should be more like that, but it is against my nature.
Regards
 
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Boyzmomee replied to willrodgers's response:
Her son was raised by women, his mother and grandmother. He has not learned to be a man nor to stand on his own as an adult.

I would certainly recommend family counseling and an evaluation of the son.

I have two sons, one is 21 and the other is 14. My plan has always been to raise men, not boys.

This does not seem to have been your wife's plan. Perhaps family counseling will help her realize that she is, in fact, harming her son and prohibiting him from growing into an adult male who can stand on his own and take care of business without mommy.
 
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willrodgers replied to Boyzmomee's response:
That's exactly how I feel.. I just wanted to get a second opinion

Thanks
 
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Anon_475 replied to willrodgers's response:
Keep us posted, will you?


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