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Stepmom of teenage boys...need advice :(
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Oreo79 posted:
Hi everyone.

I have a 16 and 14 yr old step sons, and we have a shaky relationship. I have no idea what im doing and im afraid that the shaky relationship will end my marriage...or if i should allow it to end...

My 16 yr old ss is constantly calling my children ( ages of mine are 13, 11, and twins that are its mostly my 8 year olds and its things like Jew, retard, idiot, mexican, indian. Laughing at them when I scold them or they get in trouble and it INFURIATES me. His dad, my husband, says nothing. Not a knock it off, grow up, shut up, NOTHING. And I am at the end of my rope here. I do not want to lower myself to his maturity level, but i have thought long and hard about doing it to him, yes i know it is NOT right, but my first reaction is to defend my children and his dad isnt doing or saying anything to him. He also has alot of accidents OR he acts like he does nothing; for example, when i am not looking he will pull my 8 year olds hair and when my son tells me, his son says 'what are you talking about, your crazy, i didnt touch you' while my sons crying or rubbing the area that was hurt. his dad says nothing at all. I dont know what to do. ( ps-his sons live with us ) i just know i cant take much more, and im gonna flip out with a tongue lashing or worse something physical and its not my place. Ive told my husband it bothers me, he says its picking, that its all normal. Well to me it is not normal and i dont know how to explain to him i want these things stopped! I have tries and he gets totally defensive like its an attack and I am perfectly calm and nice about it. I even think that my husband teases my younger children sometimes when im not paying attention because my twins have mentioned little things but he never does it in front of me so idotn know if they are embelishing ( my twins son has adhd, and teachers believe my twins daughter may also). THey are both overly extremely sensitive to others so I dont know what to do, whether to flip on him or not. If i question my husband, we usually end up fighting. 99% of our fights are about his kids, or hes not admitting to what he knows ( until he calms down ) happens and defends them even in wrong. I need help. I will post about my 14 yr old ss in another discussion...these things keep me awake at night ( its 437 am right now ) and i love my husband, weve only been together 2 years, and i dont want to throw this relationship away but i cant live this way.
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momuv4girls responded:
Second marriages with children have an extremely high divorce rate, and I bet you can understand why.

Both sets of these children were thrown into an environment they did not create. Every child want their mom and dad living happily together forever, and when there is a divorce, moving in with (basically strangers), parents feel guilt and an allegiance to their own children.....

You owe it to your children to protect them and give them the best environment you possibly can. Your children's happiness should come before your happiness.

This environment sounds toxic to your children. Are you kids happy ?? Do they love their step-father and step siblings? Are there more good / fun times than bad?

I think you need to take an honest look at your life from your children's perspective and make a move based on that.

Take care,
-Kathleen
 
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phoenix31674 responded:
Sounds like some family counseling might be of use and possibly even individual level counseling and marriage counseling for you and DH to get you on the same page (which may be addressed in family counseling).

Parental divorce is tough and remarriage is even tougher because kids don't say in who their parent remarries. If you can't get DH onboard with counseling, go yourself to help get some clarification and parenting tools.

Blended families are not easy and it's more difficult because you both brought kids into the marriage.
 
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Boyzmomee responded:
momuv4girls has good advice.
 
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searching_parent responded:
The family life can be built only on respectful base. If your husband pays no attention to what bothers you he shows the lack of respect and love. You should try to communicate him the problem at your best. He should make suggestions to go to family counselling, live separatelu for a while or whatever. But if all in vain and he stays defensive and whatsoever you can't build with him anything. This just will never happen.


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