I need help from the perspective of a few parents.
I am struggling with extreme sadness, self harm, and suicidal thoughts.
Since, I want to say, early June, I have been increasingly suicidal. Not actions, just thoughts. But I came to a realization two days ago that I really, desperately need help. What made me notice this? Well, I keep a journal, and in my journal I described my plan as to HOW to commit suicide. Now, I didn't think anything of it when it was just a train of thought. But as soon as I read it as written word, I realized--this is serious. I've just planned how I would kill myself. [br>[br>So what am I looking for help with?[br>[br>My family situation is not particularly great. My parents and siblings are all functioning fine, no divorces, no deaths, however, my personality and opinions conflict with those of my parents. For this reason, I rarely talk to either of my parents. ESPECIALLY about serious matters. It's just not something we do. There is no dispute between us, as there is no discussion in general. [br>[br>My parents are very, very judgmental individuals, therefore I am extremely uncomfortable discussing my current situation with them by word. In addition, my mom saw one of my scars, and asked if it was a scar. I replied saying yes, and she asked no further questions. The scar is in a shape of a triangle--there is no way I could have gotten it other than self harm, so it should be pretty obvious to her.
So, I want your help as parents. Should I work to talk to my parents about this, and if so, how?
OR, should I look for someone else to talk to, and if so, who?
Also, I am 16 and live with both of my parents. There are no others in my family who I am super close to, and I have one friend who I could probably talk to eventually, but he's only 17.
ANYTHING you can think to say, I really appreciate it. Thank you!!
I am a mom who has 4-daughters. 2-of my daughters have depression, so I believe I understand a bit of your feelings. My girls have a hard time expressing their thoughts to me too - I am not a professional, but their mom (well, sometimes I like to think I'm a "Professional Mom"...LOL)
Anyway, I think talking to someone outside your family might be a good start. What about a school counselor, or someone from your church? or a close family friend ? Do you have a friend who's parent you connect with, or an Aunt or Uncle?
There are some good people who do care and will listen to you. I'm sure your parents love you, but don't quite know how to connect on the level you need right now.
If there is no one you can think of to talk to, then please call the crisis / suicide hotline link I pasted. Some there will help and give you a starting point.
I'm glad you wrote sweetie, write back anytime, ok? (((((Hugs)))) -Kathleen
Thank you so much for the reply. See, my personal situation is sort of unusual. I could see a school counselor, but most of the people at my church are related to me, and I don't want to talk to my uncles and aunts. I really would rather just take care of this all by myself, not get anyone involved, not burden anyone. With how my parents react whenever I make mistakes, no matter how minor, I don't know how they would react if I told someone other than them about this. Then again, I don't know how they would react if I told them themselves.
Could I ask, how did your daughters go about talking to you? I have always been the girl who talked to her parents, but lately my parents have been constantly reprimanding me for my words, whether that's an opinion that they disagree with, or something I worded wrong, and they mock me about it. So I've learned over the past few months to just stop sharing with them, entirely. And it's worked out, except now, when I DO need to share something, I can't talk to anyone.
It's very possible that they've always mocked me, and I just never took offense, but either way, I'm not really talking with them about much more than "what's for dinner?" you know?
Honey please talk to someone. Do you have a teacher that you could talk to? I understand not wanting to talk to other family members about it. Could you have an appointment with the school counselor that you invite your parents to and tell them? That way you would have a neutral 3rd person there who could help buffer anything. Another suggestion would be talking to your doctor.
I am a mom of someone who had a failed suicide attempt. Please do what you have to do to reach out to someone to get help. If you don't feel comfortable talking to your parents talk to someone. Someone you trust.
From a mother's perspective, I am sure you are NOT a burden you your parents, and while they may not understand your inner feelings, I bet they would listen, care and want to help you.
My daughters situation was a bit different. My middle daughter had a shift of mood at about 14. She became more irritable, withdrawn and I just felt something wasn't right. I found a female psychologist and she started therapy. My youngest had behavioral issues at age 6, and she began to get worse and worse. I took her to a Child Psychologist. My other 2-daughters have no mental health issues, but are compassionate with their sisters.
How about writing your parents a letter? You could put down your concerns (like you mentioned your journal writings), your worries and ask that they please take you seriously because you feel this is unhealthy thinking, and you want to feel better.
A second option could be to re-visit the school counselor as someone to listen to you.
I don't want you to think you are a burden or causing trouble for your parents. I am sure they would want to know how you are feeling Ella, so think about writing a letter, ok??
Let me know how it goes!!! Take care sweetie and write back any time! -Kathleen
I am so sorry you have been trying to handle this on your own and so proud of you to recognize you need to ask for help.
You have been given some great advice from the moms here and I also want to encourage you to network even more, please reach out and call a crisis line.
If you search around some of the crisis links you will see that you are not alone. It may be easier to pick up the phone and talk with someone. Talk to someone about how to talk with your parents and how to find a doctor or counselor to help you.
This article, How to Talk to Your Parents , doesn't have all the answers, but it does give a few ideas to use to begin opening up and talking to your parents.
Please check back in to let us know how you are doing, Elizabeth
Hello! I wanted to add a few things. (I may or may not have said them before, I tend to forget.) 1. my dad is unemployed, and he gets angry at me a lot when I am anything less than perfect. This has a huge affect on me. To such an extent that he will tease/yell at/irritate/mock me every time I state my opinion, or even just make a comment. My mom doesn't do this quite so much, but my relationship is complicated with my mom. See, my entire household is very religious, and my mom is not, so we all go to church, and my mom just stays home, away from religion. For this reason, she and I are very distant. Not in a bad, 'I hate you mom, leave me alone' sort of way, more of a, we aren't talking at all in a day and it's nothing unusual, sort of way. Does that make any sense?
In addition, due to my own way of being, I am very confident. Not in a prideful passion, but in a way that I don't appear the type of girl who would EVER be depressed, or self-harming, or anything of that sort. For this reason, I would think, my parents have no inclination that I am doubting myself. Sure, I am entirely comfortable in my own skin, but hardly comfortable in my abilities. It's gotten so far that I literally have no hobbies where I used to have many, and I nearly refuse to speak to strangers as I fear the words that will come out of my mouth! But my parents have no clue. Or they do, and they're not interested in changing it.
One last thing that I would like to share is a problem I am having with my sister, Lila. She is 18 months younger than myself, and therefore considers herself my equal, giving her rights to say to me whatever she deems appropriate. For example, let me recount a simple conversation she had with myself in the car. In the vehicle was my sister Lila, myself, my older sister Terra (driving, 18) and my youngest sister Eve (13). A Demi Lovato song was playing on the radio. I am very fond of Demi Lovato, not only for her battles, but also for her voice. So, Lila changed the station, and I asked her to change it back. (She had no reason not to, she w as just flipping channels.) But she looked at me and said
Lila: "You like Demi Lovato. You're just like her." Me: "Just like her?" Lila: "Yeah, stupid." Me: "Thanks." Lila: "Yeah, you should go kill yourself, like she did." Me: "Lila, she's not dead! She's not even suicidal!" Lila: "Yeah, how would you know? Are you suicidal? Always googling depression and stuff." Me: "No! I just know the definition of suicide versus the definition of depression!" (I know I lied, but I was not going to let that be my story of how my family found out I was suicidal. Please don't blame me.) At that, Terra started laughing, and Eve too, so Lila stopped talking to me and rather made a comment to Terra about how I was just like Demi Lovato as if I wasn't there. My thinking is that she's just doing it for the laughs of everyone around, but then the next night, she, myself and my Dad were watching a show. During the commercial, Lila said again that I was just like Demi Lovato. So I said, "Yeah, I should just take your advice and go kill myself." and she said "That's a good idea!"
It's just all so much. Almost too much. And yes, she's a year and a half YOUNGER than I am. Yet she treats me like a dog. Even in front of my parents. I just don't know what to do. My parents make no effort to stop her because they believe that I'm plenty strong enough to take the hurt.
Their motto is "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me" which I believe is far, far from truth. My sister is a full on bully, and I don't have any way to stop it.
I understand what you're saying and you do make perfect sense.
I personally have never subscribed to the sticks and stones mantra. Words do hurt and sting and can cause just as much pain. Bullying should not be tolerated, please talk with your family to let them know how much these words and actions are hurting you.
If you feel you can not talk with your family, I can't stress enough how important it is for you to talk with someone. Please network with the counselors or teachers at your school and look through some of the links on our crisis page .
The Hope Line Network offers online chat and teen to teen counseling. Call The National Suicide Prevention Hotline to find out what resources are available in your area. The Abuse Victim Hotline has a confidential IM service.
I can't tell you how impressed I am with you for reaching out for help - time to take the next step and find resources in your area.
Please let us know that you have talked with someone and you are safe, Elizabeth
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