Parents of Biracial Children

Wow, I just responded to your post yesterday and basically asked you this question! What did your parents do, or not do, to help you embrace both backgrounds?

I saw a show about that actually. They interview many mixed race families and individuals asking them how would they categorize themselves. (I think it was The Tyra Show lol) and it was really interesting (at the time I was still pregnant). I just kept wondering how my DD will feel and who she'll indentify "more" with. She looks like a perfect mix of DH and I...Her obvious features (eyes, nose, dark hair) are very chinese (DH) while there is still a lot of me in her too (a little bit of a point to her nose, my mouth, face shape and even her hair is getting more and more auburn as she grows up). I thought about what box(es) she would check when asked her ethinicity. how she'll see her self (one or the other or both). and I know this may seem VERY silly and I don't mean to offend anyone - but I think about her bother or sister looking more Chinese or Irish and how they'll deal with looking so different and how that will effect their self identity.

My sister and I are only half sisters (different dad) and Ig uess I never looked at her any differently when I found out. We look similar, but certainly not 'alike'. But we were both red heads, both brown/hazel eyes...Like I said it may seem really silly but I just wonder because it's not something I'll ever truely understand. DH grew up with racist remarks and stereotypes, I grew up getting picked on for how pastey white I am and how many freckles I have...I just wonder what she'll have to deal with.

Sorry that probably went off on such a tangent =P

I am fortunate that DH is in the picture and DD will have to go to him with problems about how to deal with racism. (Although I hope she never does, I am not naive.) As a white woman I never really experienced racism, just some sexism. I hope I can help her, but I recognize I may not have experienced what she will go thru.

I believe DD will maybe consider herself black and I am okay with that, but I hope she also respects my Irish family traditions too. I couldn't care less what box she checks as long as she realizes it is just a box and not who she is. It is something she will have to come to terms with and I plan to support her with whatever decision she makes. I do notice there are more "other" options on race questions and I appreciate that so she at least has the option to put both.

As her parent I will teach her about our Irish history and how our family came here during the famine and why. I also want to teach her about African history since I KNOW there is hardly anything truthful in the little amount taught in public schools. The TRUTH about how slavery came about and how advanced the African economic system was.

My son's have a very light skin color and really looks wise well they look white. Their father passed away from a heart attack before my 2nd son was born. His family isn't really involved (They are totally welcome but their choice). So all I have is my own inadequieces ..(sp). They honestly have no idea of color now and I don't want them to even care. They have friends of the rainbow..They learn from me to talk to everyone and that is the way I want it.
In preschool one of the boys told me son ..hey you are brown like me. (that child was bi racial also) and he had no clue what he meant.
My MIL asked me on the phone a few months ago that if they ever see her will they be afraid because she is black? (long story with her but anyway). I said no because my children talk with everyone.
I do miss my DH's input on things but what can I do but give it the best I can. His friends don't really come around but when they do the boys love them and don't care what color they are.
My MIL has sent me history back 7 generations to Africa so I do have that. (She has a degree in Africology and did her thesis on her ancestry). IT is amazing to have that plus my family history back 5 generations. (Great school project someday! )
Sorry I am babling but I really struggle with this because I am alone in this. I hope at some point to get them signed up for the Big Brother program and possibly request another bi-racial or African American man to help them with questions I may not be able to.

Sorry Heather, I didn't see that on my post from yesterday!

Honestly, the best thing my parents did was not make it some huge deal. My sister and I were more than just our race no matter what box the outside world wanted us to check (which incidently was always black just because that's what we most identified with. Not a lot of Koreans in Northwest TN). Growing up we ate soul food and Korean food, my mom spoke to us in Korean and we answered in English (I REALLY wish I knew how to speak the language, I know it's not to late to learn, but my mom passed away in 2007 and I'm just sad b/c I won't be able to have two way chats in Korean with her), and we practiced Korean customs like taking off our shoes before entering the house and we ate a LOT of rice and kimchee. Being biracial has broadened my sense of the world really b/c I can see things through two perspectives.

wwilson89, don't be sorry, I think we were writing the posts at the same time because I saw your new one right after I posted my response!

Anyway, to answer your original question, hmmm... I think for me the hardest thing will be when and if she ever is discriminated against because of who she is. Like kfitz was saying, as a white woman, I have never had to deal personally with racism (other than occasional stares that DH and I get). Our biggest challenge thus far has been getting our families to be ok with our relationship. For awhile when we were first dating, both sets of parents were less than thrilled. They have since gotten over that and we are accepted and loved as if it were never an issue. Anyway, I know it will be hard for me to help DD "take the high road" when someone insults her because I will be so furious myself. My biggest fear however is that somehow she will be physically harmed because of her ethnicity. I know this isn't likely, but with all the weirdos out there, it is still something I worry about in the back of my mind.

As far as what race DD will most associate with, I really don't know. DH once told me that if you have even the smallest drop of Black blood in, you are black. I hope DD will take pride in her Black heritage but also in her Italian, French, German, English, Danish, and Irish background too! Talk about a melting pot!

Baby1at35, I just want to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, and I admire your courage!

I think Stella will identify herself as Hispanic. There are a few interracial couples in DH's extended family and they all look Hispanic. Already everyone says that she looks just like Daddy. This does bother me a little bit- that I don't look like I belong to my own family.

Fortunately I don't think she will have to deal with much racism in our area. DH has only encountered it a few times and even then it was annoying instead of threatening. People do come up to him in public and speak Spanish to him, while I'm standing right next to him holding a conversation in English.

Baby1at35 I'm sorry to hear about your DH and that your IL aren't very involved. It sounds like you are doing great raising your kids but I'm sorry your don't have the support you deserve.

I have thought alot about how dd will identify herself as. She does not really look hispanic, her features that she has of DH's are mostly just her light brown eyes and slightly tanned skin. We have a very obviously hispanic last name so I wonder if she will feel not "mexican" enough and not "white" enough and how she will feel about that, or if that will even be an issue. I usually leave those little nationality boxes blank, as I never know what to put. She is just as much mexican as she is white and vice versa. We only live near DH's mom and stepdad so we do not see Dh's family aside from mil and fil very often, and while they mostly eat mexican food and can speak spanish that is about the extent of their influence on dd's culture, which makes me a little sad. I really really want her to know and appreciate her heritage, and I think its so important. I get the feeling that my MIL raised my Dh and his sister to blend in. By that I mean she tried to discourage them learning spanish (both can understand mostly what is being said to them but dont really speak it) and learning about where they come from. Her mom and dad came to america and she was born here, and I get the feeling she felt like an outsider in school and that she did not want her children to feel that way, Her parents never spoke english fluently and from what I gather she always just felt different. I asked them how they would fell about speaking spanish to Ruthie when she was born, and to continue to primarily speak spanish to her as she got older and they did not really want any part of that. I love when we go to the town the rest of Dh's family is in, I always feel a little out of place but its really awesome to attend the weddings, get togethers and stuff and let her see another side to who she is (the rest of MIL's family isnt really like mil and teaches us alot about the culture).

Hey Wanda it's great to see you here today is my first time visiting this exchange. But I did the same when I was growing up in school you know from my post on couple coping support that my skin is dark just like yours, but I haven't discussed with Dimitri what we will have our twins go by when they start school. You know I wonder why it ever mattered! I didn't have a hard time with my race coming up in school I did have a lot people who were interested in knowing what was my race but they didn't come off as being offensive like you and I talked about earlier. I just worry for my kids because you know there are still some ignorant people in the work today.