Parents of Biracial Children
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What to do?
wantingbaby123 posted:
My son is five years old. He is half white and half pakistani. His father (who is pakistani) left us when my son was three weeks old. Since then, i got married (to a white man) and he wants to now adopt my son. Im so torn with what to do. My husband and I have a nine months old son together. My five year old (Eryc) keeps asking me why he is the only one with a different last name. Eryc's father is now married to another woman and they have a new daughter but they live in another country. Eryc has never met his father. I have full custody of Eryc and would have no problem with getting the adoption approved. My ex doesn't pay child support and even actually stopped calling, about a year ago, to check on Eryc. But i am still torn. Part of me feels like if i take away his last name (which is a Pakistani last name) it would be taking a part of his heritage away. Plus, my son's middle name is "Uzair" which is not only a Muslim name but was also his father's first name. I just don't know what to do. Letting my new husband adopt my son would make him feel more apart of the family BUT i just have a feeling that one day he is going to start looking for his father and when he finds him, their name may be the only thing they have in common. I used to send my son to Islamic School so that he could get a sense of his fathers roots but we moved further away and now it is almost impossible for me to take him. My sister is married to a Pakistani man and they have two daughter together. So, my son will end up getting a part of the Pakistani culture from his Uncle and cousins but i just don't feel like im doing enough. Any thoughts or opinions would be very helpful.
8 Replies |Watch This Discussion | Report This| Share this:What to do?My son is five years old. He is half white and half pakistani. His father (who is pakistani) left us when my son was three weeks old. Since then, i got married (to a white man) and he wants to now adopt my son. Im so torn with what to do. My husband and I have a nine months old son together. My five year old (Eryc) keeps asking me why he is the only one with a different last name. Eryc's father is now married to another woman and they have a new daughter but they live in another country. Eryc has never met his father. I have full custody of Eryc and would have no problem with getting the adoption approved. My ex doesn't pay child support and even actually stopped calling, about a year ago, to check on Eryc. But i am still torn. Part of me feels like if i take away his last name (which is a Pakistani last name) it would be taking a part of his heritage away. Plus, my son's middle name is "Uzair" which is not only a Muslim name but was also his father's first name. I just don't know what to do. Letting my new husband adopt my son would make him feel more apart of the family BUT i just have a feeling that one day he is going to start looking for his father and when he finds him, their name may be the only thing they have in common. I used to send my son to Islamic School so that he could get a sense of his fathers roots but we moved further away and now it is almost impossible for me to take him. My sister is married to a Pakistani man and they have two daughter together. So, my son will end up getting a part of the Pakistani culture from his Uncle and cousins but i just don't feel like im doing enough. Any thoughts or opinions would be very helpful.
kfitz responded:
I think it is important that your son understands that he is Pakistani, however, I don't think it is an issue for him to be adopted by your husband. You can try to take a roll in teaching him about his heritage and allow your sister and her family to help you with that. I would make it a family thing to embrace the culture since he is Pakistani. I would think he could keep his father's name (Uzair), and should know about his biological father, but should know that your husband loves him as his son too. I'm not sure how much you talk about his biological father, but I would just explain it as your are going to have another father, not that he is losing his biological father. And as for the last name, since it bothers him I don't see a problem with changing it.
This is all just my opinion though. I thought about this as if I were in your situation and how I would bring my daughter up, and I think this is how I would do it.
This is all just my opinion though. I thought about this as if I were in your situation and how I would bring my daughter up, and I think this is how I would do it.
Report This| Share this:What to do?I think it is important that your son understands that he is Pakistani, however, I don't think it is an issue for him to be adopted by your husband. You can try to take a roll in teaching him about his heritage and allow your sister and her family to help you with that. I would make it a family thing to embrace the culture since he is Pakistani. I would think he could keep his father's name (Uzair), and should know about his biological father, but should know that your husband loves him as his son too. I'm not sure how much you talk about his biological father, but I would just explain it as your are going to have another father, not that he is losing his biological father. And as for the last name, since it bothers him I don't see a problem with changing it. <br />This is all just my opinion though. I thought about this as if I were in your situation and how I would bring my daughter up, and I think this is how I would do it.
LMaar responded:
Personally I would let your DH adopt him. Have you asked your son what he wants? Is he aware that your DH is not his biological father? Changing his last name shouldn't affect him learning about that part of his heritage and where he came from. esp if there are other family members to help. and he still is keeping his middle name right?
Although we're not biracial, my sister and I have different fathers. When I was born, my sister was 5 and soon after I came my parents got married. My mom explained to my sister that she would be taking my dad's last name and that if Rachel wanted to, she can take his name as well. It was a big step. My dad loves her and takes care of her and her bio dad wasn't in the picture what so ever. My mom said when my sister came up to her later on that day and said yes I would like to have the same last name, it was like Rachel had accepted my dad as her dad. Now as she got older she did ask about her bio dad and my mom was willing to give her the last information that she knew of him. In the end it was a dead end since it had been so long and even then, if she found him, he wouldn't have replaced the true dad who helped raise her.
So yes, if he wants to, I would let him change his name, and teach him about his culture too. But in the end a Daddy isn't who's sperm got to the egg, it's who makes you eggs in the morning because he loves you
Although we're not biracial, my sister and I have different fathers. When I was born, my sister was 5 and soon after I came my parents got married. My mom explained to my sister that she would be taking my dad's last name and that if Rachel wanted to, she can take his name as well. It was a big step. My dad loves her and takes care of her and her bio dad wasn't in the picture what so ever. My mom said when my sister came up to her later on that day and said yes I would like to have the same last name, it was like Rachel had accepted my dad as her dad. Now as she got older she did ask about her bio dad and my mom was willing to give her the last information that she knew of him. In the end it was a dead end since it had been so long and even then, if she found him, he wouldn't have replaced the true dad who helped raise her.
So yes, if he wants to, I would let him change his name, and teach him about his culture too. But in the end a Daddy isn't who's sperm got to the egg, it's who makes you eggs in the morning because he loves you
Report This| Share this:What to do?Personally I would let your DH adopt him. Have you asked your son what he wants? Is he aware that your DH is not his biological father? Changing his last name shouldn't affect him learning about that part of his heritage and where he came from. esp if there are other family members to help. and he still is keeping his middle name right?<br /> <br />Although we're not biracial, my sister and I have different fathers. When I was born, my sister was 5 and soon after I came my parents got married. My mom explained to my sister that she would be taking my dad's last name and that if Rachel wanted to, she can take his name as well. It was a big step. My dad loves her and takes care of her and her bio dad wasn't in the picture what so ever. My mom said when my sister came up to her later on that day and said yes I would like to have the same last name, it was like Rachel had accepted my dad as her dad. Now as she got older she did ask about her bio dad and my mom was willing to give her the last information that she knew of him. In the end it was a dead end since it had been so long and even then, if she found him, he wouldn't have replaced the true dad who helped raise her. <br /> <br />So yes, if he wants to, I would let him change his name, and teach him about his culture too. But in the end a Daddy isn't who's sperm got to the egg, it's who makes you eggs in the morning because he loves you <img src="http://img.webmd.com/community/images/wink.gif" align="top" border="0">
I love the egg saying. That is great
Report This| Share this:What to do?I love the egg saying. That is great <img src="http://img.webmd.com/community/images/wink.gif" align="top" border="0">
wantingbaby123 replied to kfitz's response:
Thanks ladies. Im going to ask Eryc what he wants to do. He asked me the other day if Scott (my DH) was his daddy since we are married and I told him yes. Eryc doesn't understand the difference between Birth Father and Step-Father so im just going to leave it alone until he asks me about his real father. I was picking thriugh some pics that I had of his father so i have one ready for the day that Eryc wants to see it. Thanks again!
Report This| Share this:What to do?Thanks ladies. Im going to ask Eryc what he wants to do. He asked me the other day if Scott (my DH) was his daddy since we are married and I told him yes. Eryc doesn't understand the difference between Birth Father and Step-Father so im just going to leave it alone until he asks me about his real father. I was picking thriugh some pics that I had of his father so i have one ready for the day that Eryc wants to see it. Thanks again!
wantingbaby123 replied to LMaar's response:
LMaar,
Your comment at the end made me cry a little. LOL! I am such a big baby.
Your comment at the end made me cry a little. LOL! I am such a big baby.
Report This| Share this:What to do?LMaar,<br /> <br />Your comment at the end made me cry a little. LOL! I am such a big baby.
DianaG49424 responded:
I don't think the connection to his Pakistani heritage relies on his last name and it sounds like you are giving him a good foundation so that later he can decide how much he wants to know. Right now I would want him to feel the connection to the family that comes from having the same last name. Have you thought about giving him 2 middle names? His father's first name and the Pakistani last name. Or you could change his original last name to his middle name and drop the Uzair. Just a few ideas if you do decide on the adoption!
Report This| Share this:What to do?I don't think the connection to his Pakistani heritage relies on his last name and it sounds like you are giving him a good foundation so that later he can decide how much he wants to know. Right now I would want him to feel the connection to the family that comes from having the same last name. Have you thought about giving him 2 middle names? His father's first name and the Pakistani last name. Or you could change his original last name to his middle name and drop the Uzair. Just a few ideas if you do decide on the adoption!
wantingbaby123 replied to DianaG49424's response:
Actually, that is a pretty good idea. I may consider just combining his middle and last name into one big middle name.
More importantly than his connection in general to his Pakistani heritage, im worried about how he will feel about not having a connection with his father. This is kinda hard to explain. I don't dislike Eryc's father. I never have and I never will. He left to straighten his life up and when he did get it all together, it didn't include us. Im ok with that and i hope that one day i can explain it to Eryc and he will be ok with that too. If not, I will help him try to find his father so that he get put it all the pieces together for himself.
There will always be a place in my heart for Eryc's father. He helped me create one fo the best things that ever happened to me. While i don't feel that i owe him anything, i am eternally grateful.
Sorry that i totally went of track there. LOL!!
More importantly than his connection in general to his Pakistani heritage, im worried about how he will feel about not having a connection with his father. This is kinda hard to explain. I don't dislike Eryc's father. I never have and I never will. He left to straighten his life up and when he did get it all together, it didn't include us. Im ok with that and i hope that one day i can explain it to Eryc and he will be ok with that too. If not, I will help him try to find his father so that he get put it all the pieces together for himself.
There will always be a place in my heart for Eryc's father. He helped me create one fo the best things that ever happened to me. While i don't feel that i owe him anything, i am eternally grateful.
Sorry that i totally went of track there. LOL!!
Report This| Share this:What to do?Actually, that is a pretty good idea. I may consider just combining his middle and last name into one big middle name. <br /> <br />More importantly than his connection in general to his Pakistani heritage, im worried about how he will feel about not having a connection with his father. This is kinda hard to explain. I don't dislike Eryc's father. I never have and I never will. He left to straighten his life up and when he did get it all together, it didn't include us. Im ok with that and i hope that one day i can explain it to Eryc and he will be ok with that too. If not, I will help him try to find his father so that he get put it all the pieces together for himself.<br /> <br />There will always be a place in my heart for Eryc's father. He helped me create one fo the best things that ever happened to me. While i don't feel that i owe him anything, i am eternally grateful. <br /> <br />Sorry that i totally went of track there. LOL!!
wwilson89 replied to wantingbaby123's response:
I think you are doing everything you can do and commend you for even wanting to make sure he respects and knows where he came from instead of acting like that other part of him doesn't exist. As far as a future relationship with his father, I know you will want to shield him from any pain if his dad doesn't want anything to do with him, but you can't. You can't answer all the questions for his father, but as long as your son knows you love him and are there for him unconditionally as is his step dad, that will probably cushion the blow.
Report This| Share this:What to do?I think you are doing everything you can do and commend you for even wanting to make sure he respects and knows where he came from instead of acting like that other part of him doesn't exist. As far as a future relationship with his father, I know you will want to shield him from any pain if his dad doesn't want anything to do with him, but you can't. You can't answer all the questions for his father, but as long as your son knows you love him and are there for him unconditionally as is his step dad, that will probably cushion the blow.
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