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Miscarriage at 40
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jas73 posted:
I have 2 healthy children and decided to have another. My son is 10 from a previous marriage and my daughter is 2 from my current marriage. I just turned 40 in January and found out I was pregnant in March. We were very excited and planning on having a new addition to our family in November, but I miscarried. Now that this has happened I have been driving myself crazy wondering if it was a sign that I was not to have any more children. I am so scared that because I am 40 and my risks go up that something will be wrong with my baby. I know it is a risk anytime you get pregnant, but I have a boy and a girl and they are both healthy I am starting to wonder if I should chance it. I was told that since I have other children my risks are less than a 40 year old that has never had children, but that kind of confuses me..risks of what?? birth defects. I just don't know what I should do. Do I risk it or do I just decide to stop trying and hope that 5 years down the road I don't regret not trying. I just don't know what I want anymore. Has anyone ever went through this before? How did you finally decide what was right for you? So many woman are having kids in their 40's and healthy too, but the statistics say that for downs it is like 1 in 100 and that is scary. I am just looking for some advice or some encouraging words of some sort. I don't want to wait forever to make a decision.
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Mamihlapinatapai responded:
I know this is a difficult time, but I think you should keep trying. My wife had our son at 36, and we're currently trying for another...but have had two miscarriages so far. The last one was really, really tough to endure. Young or "old," the creation of life is a "crap shoot," as my sister put it. Look, more and more women are having children later and later in life, so you're not alone. Far from it, in fact. My other sister had two back-to-back at 38 and 39. A friend of ours just had one just shy of 40. My wife was born when her mom was 45. So, yea, you bet it happens. Keep trying.
The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
 
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jas73 replied to Mamihlapinatapai's response:
I know I should not focus on my age, but it just makes it harder since the risks are so much higher. I think I chanced it once with my son and he is a healthy vibrant 10 yr old...then I chanced it twice with my 2 yr old daughter. I have a boy and a girl...Do I chance it again?? Am I playing with fire. I have a friend who told me it was ultimately my decision, but when I asked her what she would do she said she wouldn't do it. I have a boy and a girl and they are both healthy...why put myself through that torture. I don't know what to say to that..It kind of hurt my feelings a little. I keep going back and forth and it truly is driving me crazy. We actually have at least a couple of months before we can probably think about starting so I don't know why I keep dwelling on it. If you would have asked me a year ago I would have said...Oh I am done. I had severe postpartum depression and I thought there is no way I can have another, but then that all changed. The thought of actually being done scares me, but so does the alternative. I just don't want to be very much older we choose to do this. Will I forgive myself if we try and the baby is not healthy? I can't explain the feelings that I am having. Maybe it will all come together eventually. I think maybe a part of it is because of what just happened to me and I am still trying to cope with that and I am adding additional stress by trying to decided to go forward or not. Plus, I know my husband wants another. Will I ever know what is right for me or will I always wonder? How did your wife cope with everything and decide she wanted to continue trying? I am scared. I was so sure when we tried before, but then the miscarriage and it has brought up so many more feelings.
 
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Mamihlapinatapai replied to jas73's response:
Look, I wouldn't over analyze it. This is a decision for the heart, not the head. If your heart says 'yes,' then you should move forward. And please, please, stay away from the statistics. These are probabilities of outcomes, not sure things. And statistics can often be misleading...and scary. Simply getting in your car and driving is risky on some level. Everything involves risk--so don't think too much about it.


Question for you: How important is your husband's desire to have another child to you? How does it influence your decision? I'm worried that my wife will not want to try again. I can't stand the thought of our son being an only child.


To answer your question, I think the first miscarriage was easier for us to deal with since it was our first and we didn't really know how to react. Does that make sense? Kind of a stunned feeling. The second one was later in the first trimester and therefore took longer to recover from. I took that one much harder...thought I was having a nervous breakdown...crying for days. Like having my soul torn out. I still have the ultrasound photos--just couldn't part with them. I look at those and see someone I'll never get to meet.


I'm actually having kind of a secondary problem I would like to ask you about. If this is uncomfortable, please disregard. We haven't been intimate since last summer, maybe July or August. I think the miscarriage was in October or November (don't know exactly; it's painful to remember). I get the feeling that she doesn't want that with me anymore. Have you experienced something similar? Can you make sense of this? Any thoughts will be most appreciated...
The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
 
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jas73 replied to Mamihlapinatapai's response:
Hello

The answer to your question bout my husband is that I know he wants another child, but he knows if I won't or can't handle it that he is not going to pressure me. We have never really discussed if I was to seriously say I don't want to try how he would feel about that. I do not want to disappoint him, but I also know I can't do something that I am not ready for...it would not be fair to either of us. Hopefully time will help me with my decision.

As far as your wife and being intimate...I guess I see where she is coming from. I love my husband, but I just don't feel like doing anything..It has nothing to do with him and it is me. I don't know if I am just sad or scared or what, but it is the last thing on my mind. Don't take it personal. Maybe it is a woman thing. When we are hurting and confused we kind of pull away. I know everyone is different, but that is how I am anyway. Does that make sense? It does sound like it is longer than normal not to have some sort of intimacy, but everyone handles things differently. Has she seen anyone to talk about what she is going through? I would say meds would help, but if you are going to try again I doubt you really want to do that. I know the time frame is a lot longer, but my husband and I have not been intimate since February. With everything going on it doesn't seem that long, but realistically it is. When you are hurting time kind of stops..Does that make sense? I don't know if any of this helps you or not, but maybe it will help a little. Also, are you sure she really wants to try again? or do you think she only wants to because you do? If she is feeling that way..she may hold a little resentment towards you. I am not saying that is what it is,but it could be.


Thank you for your advice and input. I know in the end I have to make this decision. After the miscarriage it has just changed so many things. I can't imagine going through it again and you and your wife have. I am so sorry!!! It may take her a while to heal. Try to be patient.
 
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Mamihlapinatapai replied to jas73's response:
I hope time will be good to us as well.


As for the intimacy thing, I try to not take it personally, but when it drags on for the lion's share of a year, it's kind of hard not to. I could go on and on about it, but that's a tangent.


I don't get the sense that she's really hurting...she seems really happy and relaxed--and even less angry--than she has been in a long time. But I'm fairly certain she's actively avoiding it, for whatever reason. This is my problem, I guess. I'm expecting bad news when we have a conversation about it.


She's stated repeatedly that she would like to try again. If there's any apprehension on her end, it's because she is "tired." I can understand that, and I bust my tail to make everything operate smoothly at home, but it's just not adding up to me. And if there is any resentment present, I would have to say it is on my end.
The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
 
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jas73 replied to Mamihlapinatapai's response:
I am sorry for what you are going through. Do you think you can handle it if she says she doesn't want to try again? I am not sure what my husband will say. I recently told him that I was concerned that if we had a child with issues...because lets face it I have a higher chance of that due to my age..that I would feel guilty not to be able to give as much time to the 2 children we have now and it would not be fair to them. If we don't try to have another then we don't take that risk. I am all over the place with this. His response to me was "Well, what if I got in a car accident tomorrow and died and I couldn't spend any more time with our children?" Not sure how to take that. He just keeps telling me to give it time..I never was afraid of these things before the miscarriage and I was certain of what I wanted.

I wish you luck!!, but maybe as hard as it is right now you should have the discussion so you don't keep wondering if it is ever going to happen. I hope that you hear what you want to. How old is your wife? Is there time to wait a little longer? In my case, I feel like if I don't do it soon...that I won't do it. I have more going on too so the stress level is very high. My mom has brain cancer and the prognosis is not good. I thought this pregnancy happened when it did for a reason, but it turns out I was wrong. My husband and I were talking about waiting after we found out about my mom, but I was already pregnant and did not know it yet. I thought maybe because we would be losing her that this baby was a sign of new life and it was meant to me. I guess there was another plan.
 
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Mamihlapinatapai replied to jas73's response:
For us, I don't see not trying again as a very good decision. She has a sister that did not have another, missed the boat, and had huge regrets thereafter. I want to avoid regrets. That's one of the worst things in life. I feel like our son and our family would benefit from another addition. I sometimes feel like we are being punished over the past year and a half. So much has gone wrong: family, job, sex, etc. I feel so alone. I look at others and it seems like they have it so easy. Why are being denied another child? God knows we would love that child with all our heart and soul. Why?


Regarding what your husband said, I'm not a big fan of those kinds of hypothetical situations. Seems to me like not answering a question. My wife has done the same thing.


I don't want to delay too much longer, because I can feel Time breathing down our necks. She's 39; 40 in July.


Sorry to hear about your mother. My wife's mother has dementia, and sometimes can't remember what's happening from one moment to the next. Just can't remember.


I wish I had answers...I really, really do. Life is so confusing and threatening to me right now, I just don't know what to make of it from one day to the next. I really hope that my wife will eventually see the reason behind trying again. I'm hoping I can reason my way out of this predicament.
The most elementary and valuable statement in science--the beginning of wisdom--is 'I do not know.'
 
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jas73 replied to Mamihlapinatapai's response:
I know what you mean about the time breathing down your necks. I know that if I don't do this soon then I probably won't. I just have to work through my fears. Like I said I have two kids that are both healthy and one of each sex. Life is a risk and I took it twice and it turned out, but am I pushing it by trying again?? That is something I have to work out in my head.

As far as the answer or not answer to my question that I gave my husband...Yeah it made me irritated. He is such an optimist and I have been so negative since this has happened. I know that it was just his way of saying that I can't live by the what if's in life. If we all did that then nobody would have take any chances in life and we would all be pretty miserable people. I know what he is saying, but it is still hard to take that jump.

I know what you mean about all the bad things and wondering why are they happening and why do you deserve all of this. I know when my mom was diagnosed with lung cancer they didn't have a very hopeful outcome, but then she went in remission..it was like a miracle...They never thought she would do so well. Then it came back, but not as bad...within 5 days of that diagnosis and chemo discussion they found it was also in her brain and gave her 6 months to live. I have been through a lot in my life and my mom has always been there for me and helped me through it all. The thought of losing my mom has been the hardest thing mentally I have ever gone through. What will I do without her? It makes me sad that she would have liked one more grandchild that she could see before she died and now that is not going to happen. With this pregnancy I thought that maybe it would happen. It would be very close, but it was possible. I was thinking I could give her that one last wish and maybe it would give her the strength to hold on, but then I miscarried. It just doesn't seem fair and why??? I have become so negative that I think with the way things have been going i have myself thinking that adding to it all there will probably be something wrong with my baby if I have another. Horrible way to think, but with all the negative I can't help wonder if that will happen just to add to everything. If it happened I know my mom would be there to help normally, but now she will be gone.

Anyway, I think you need to take your wife out to a nice dinner and maybe ask her about when she thinks she will be ready to try again. Whatever you do...do not push. Just tell her that you know she has mentioned that she wants to try again, but you just wondered when it would be the right time for her? Then maybe you can get some answers and not keep waiting and wondering. I am not telling you what to do by any means, but think about it. You need some answers.
 
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deedee43 replied to Mamihlapinatapai's response:
If I may, I can relate with you wife maybe. After our lose a year ago, the thought of being intimate was so far out of my mind . It was all connected in my mind you see... Intimate = pregnancy= possible heartbreak again. Eventually we worked it out but still after a year has passed I still think of loosing our baby when we make love. It's a long process to work through not only in your mind but especially in our heart . Maybe she's afraid of the possibility of another heartache and even letting you down again? . Good luck and hope this helps some


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