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My 38-yo wife wouldnt want my sperm
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DesperateHubby09 posted:
I'm 48-yo man just married a 38-yo woman. Sad development: my new wife refused to use my sperm in IUI and wants to go to sperm bank!!!

I'm very healthy wrt PE results: all index/parameters are in ranges, and all diseases are negative. Non-smoker, non-drinker, college professor. Parents are in their early 80s and largely healthy. My sperm analysis: good counts (50-100 million/ml), normal volume (2-3 ml), only motiity is a bit low: used to be 20-45%, recently 10-20%, but doctors said it still sufficient for IUI.

But my wife started a fiasco: she found online that father's age could be a factor of misccariage, and became over-concerned, and wanted to use sperm bank rather than my sperm. I look online and traced most news down to three articles, and obtained two of them from library databases. Fact? Yes and No. Yes: men in late 30s-40s indeed would contribute to increased miscarriage. No? - that's compared to men in age group 25-29. Hey get real: my wife at her age of 38,m would most likely marry a man in 38-45, and there's no reason she wouldn't have baby with this father, if all health indicators (disease, blood, chromosome) are normal. I can say that "OK, being 48, I might be 1-2% higher in risk of contributing to miscarriage than a man in 38-43" (I got the idea from ananlysis of the research articles I read). But my wife is so unreasonable that for those 2% risk she REFUSED to conceive a baby with her husband,and insists on going to sperm bank to use the donor sperm, then we would have a baby with a "faceless father"!!

Is she obssed or over-concerned? I'm so DESPERATELY in need for help and support: (1) Shouldn't I be given my fair husband's right of conceiving my own child with my own wife? (2) What's the basic guidelines for a doctor to recommend donor sperm to a couple (such as hubby no sperm, DNA defects, under radiology damage, with infectious diseases, etc. - what more for a doctor to ask a husband to step aside and a wife to go to sperm bank)?

PLEASE HELP! My famnily is at the verge of collapsing, because my wife is determined to do sperm bank and if I still dont agree she'll divorce me (!!!!!) I really need people's help very urgently! Either from medical point of view, or from social norms or common sense - I need to bring my wife to scientific and social relaity and norms, so that she's not that crazy.
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kerrib1971 responded:
This is a hard one! I honestly, in all my research online..etc have found very few comments on the age of the father contributing to genetic defects or miscarriage. I feel in all honesty your wifes age would more than likely be the determining factor in the "high risk" category. Where you have gotten tested and all seems well, I wouldn't see a problem with using your sperm and would actually consider this the "normal" step to take. I would believe you have paternal rights and if you don't agree to using a sperm bank I wouldn't think you would be liable for the child if things didn't work out, especially where you are definitely not in agreement.

I married a husband and found out a month after the wedding that he was sterile. He was in his 20's and had no clue until he was tested. It of course, threw him for a loop and I mentioned sperm bank, but he would have no part of that. He told me he wasn't paying 18 years for something that wasn't his. That marriage didn't last too long. I would never have suggested if we could possibly have used his sperm though!
 
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pinke71 responded:
I'm so confused, who put this in her head? I would go to her Gyno (hopefully, she's been going to the same one a while and trusts them) or go to the fertility DR she's going to and ask them to provide you with some help. Mabye articles or medical journal postings. FOR ME with everything you said, I can't see a reason I would NOT want to have my husbands child. But that's me, I've only had one miscarrage and although devistating, I'm working thru it.

The one big question that I have is has she ever had a miscarrage and if so, has she had many? Maybe that's why, it's very hard on you mentally and she may not want to go thru that again. If she doesn't want to use your sperm I think the least you deserve is an explaination verses a 'I heard it can cause miscarrages' show her statistics and let her know how hurt you are and why you don't understand her decision.

I'd really have to hear her side of the story before I would tell you anything other than find the stats and TALK to her!
 
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NAT89783 responded:
I'm sorry you are going through this - i lost the last post I posted. At any rate - if your wife does this before your divorce - I am almost 99% positive that you would be legally, financially responsible for this child until 18/23 if in college.

You should contact your attorney - but if you do not believe you could bond with this child - I'd let her do this on her own since she is making the decision on her own. My husband and I both had surgery so I could give him a son, she should be willing to take your feelings into consideration.

It seems like not so hard of a decision I think once you speak with your attorney. There are men taking care of other men's kids now because the child was born within their marriage. In on case a man is sending child support to the child's biological father to care for a child that's not his because he was named father.

BE SURE!!! AND BE CAREFUL!!!!
 
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shanc71 responded:
I agree with previous post....PLEASE talk to the OB or Fertility specialist together. Good Luck!
 
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LuV4Autumn responded:
I am in shock over your situation.... I don't understand why your wife would prefer a donor when you are a willing and active participant with her in the desire to have a family. If you are showing her these responses, please be sure to look at everyone's ages and our spouses ages in our signatures... There are definitely father's here in their 40's who have had healthy, happy babies!

I don't have any statistics for you.... I wish I did.

My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Smiles & HUGS,

: ) Vonda
 
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LexyRose1966 responded:
Hello,

I have been a member of these boards for some time, and in that time I have seen plenty of fathers to be that are older than 48 years old and having healthy children. My DH is almost 47, and I am almost 43, and we are talking about having our 2nd child. Never in a million years would I even worry about my husband's age as he is fit and healthy. It appears to me that your wife may have other issues. A marriage will be put to the test with children. Even the strongest of marriages are often challenged, so it takes 2 very committed people. It appears to me that she is using your age as an excuse or an escape. Lastly, think of all of the celebrity dads that are around; Michael Douglas, Donald Trump, Larry King, and so many others. You should father your own child if that is what your heart desires. Before I got married, I was engaged to a man that was 48 while I was 38. He was in excellent health, fit, and I never once was concerned about his age. May I suggest counseling to get to the bottom of her issues, as I think that it has more to do with other issues, and not your age. This does not make sense to me at all.

Best wishes,

Lexy Rose
 
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DesperateHubby09 responded:
Dear all - especially most of you nice ladies in the same age group of my wife: my current response is to all of you.

1. Re the stats: I read the rfesearch articles (not the news craps), and read very closely to understand the research methodologies and the data and the graphs - I myself is a professor and are quite used to the stat analyses things. But I conveyed to my wife about my understanding that it's a matter of 2-3%, around her already 25% of miscarriage rate at her age of 38. And I told her it's only a statistic,and we the specific couple might not be that unlucky to be affected by the "increased 2-3%" thjing. But my wife wouldn't take it, and say "I dont want any little bit of increase; you dont need to tell me it's 2-3%; I wont take it even its 1%"

2. Re the science: the more I read the materials re miscarriage, the more I get to believe that it's due to genetic defects in sperm due to advanced age (in fact the same thing happens with eggs! She sholdn't blame me on my part only!). So I beged mny doctors to prescribe genetic tests on me: (1) y-chromosome microdeletion - normal; (2) karyotype analysis (chromosome type analysis) - normal. So I came back to persuade my wife: "It's chromosome defects/DNA defects that contribute to elevated miscarriage rates for woemn w older hubbies. Now that these tests of my gene are all normal, you shold not have that kind of concern." - Nope, she still wouldn't take it/buy it.

3. Reason of the difficulty? (1) She's in China, a country where things are quite chaotic, and there's no trusted, official medical organization websites, and there's no authorities as American Society of Reproductive Medicines as we have here, that people can turn to for official, responsible, up-to-date medical info. All they got are piecemeal, fragmented, outdated or untested rumors and distorted word-of-mouths. In this case, even this article has Chinese translation, the ordinary people wouldnt have access to it or wouldnt be interested in it, and the medical professionals wouldnt be responsible and concerned enough to put in their effort to explain to the largely un-informed public.

4. Reason of the difficulty? (2) She's a business maneger and owner of a private company, one who belongs to a group considered "success" in China, a society in transition which, unfortunately, focuses too much on material welth and power and too little on humanities and morals and respects, things we value very high in our relatively stable society. She has extremely strong will that she seldom listen to me - my explanation, my information, my reasoning, and often interrupted my efforts of any communication that would not be her favorable categories. Specifically in this case, I actually translated the article, made annotations to the tables and graphs to her,but she simply dismissed them.

5. Reason of my huge concerns? (1) My rights as a husband are totally deprived. If I have all dead sperm, or if we had tried 3-4 times and failed, then I wouldn't want my wife to go through that ordeal and "yes please go ahewad with sperm bank". But NO, NONE OF THOSE applied to our situation. She simply acted on her paranoid, and acted on her lack of consideration and recognition of my rights as a husband, and would go ahead with the sperm bank BEFORE ANY EFFORT OF US COUPLE, no matter what it takes. That is a huge damage to this newly-founded family. (2) The social norms: she would go to sperm bank in China, and ask me to go through egg donation and surrogacy in the US, to have our children RESPECTIVELY AND SEPARATELY. WHAT? What kind of family are we going to have? We couple would not have common children,and our children would not have common parents! I dont feel comfortable in a family INTENTIONALLY DESIGNED this way! (3) Our kids would live in a very abnormal situation, when they don't know their other half of parents, and will suffer psych shocks and much more growth pain than they normally would - unfair to kids
 
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emwish1 responded:
Dear Desperate Hubby,

I hope this does not sound badly, but my eyes got huge and my jaw dropped as I read your post. You say you are newly married? So, was this a conversation prior to the wedding? I am on page with the PPs--you do have rights as a husband to father your own children. And based on what you said there are no warranted reasons for her to go to a sperm bank.

You definitely should speak to both an attorney and therapist.

A note about miscarriages--there are way too many reasons why a woman might miscarry and her own eggs are a factor. I miscarried several times and never once thought to suggest it was my husbands fault. I am also a believer that is a human being at conception and that God has His own plan. And if He needs to use my body to have more souls in heaven, then I am His servant. I have two beautiful, healthy children--my last was born at 41 (2 months prior to my 42nd bday). And I am willing to try again.

Good luck with this. I am sorry you are going through this.

Emily
 
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peachyga responded:
Oh wow, I really don't know what to say....I read both your posts and honestly I am quite shocked as to what is going on. I'm really sorry you're going through this. And please don't take this in a wrong way, but I think it may be a time to consult an attorney. If she does decide to go with the donor route in China without your knowledge, and names you as the father on the birth certificate, the child would automatically become an U.S. citizen and of course, you will be responsible for child support unless the court rules otherwise based on a DNA test. I didn't quite understand the part about surrogacy...but, regardless, sounds like there's got to be something else in her mind that's making her so worried and adamate about donor sperms. I know you're newlyweds and all, but I really don't think this is a good way to start a marriage....JMHO. GL with you....
 
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Dorothea_WebMD_Staff responded:
Dear Hubby, I am very sorry for the difficulty you are having. I'm having a little trouble understanding the exact situation. You say your wife is in China and something you wrote made me think that you are here in the States. Is that correct? Can you elaborate a little on what your living circumstances are now and what you expect in the future? Do I understand correctly that your wife is proposing that you each have children separately by artificial means? And then would you raise them separately or not? Again, I'm sorry for the pain you are in. I am hoping we might be able to help if we can fully understand the situation. Dorothea
 
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Momathon responded:
What a situation! One thing really stands out that is odd to me, or I don't understand.... her main concern is that your sperm are older, correct?

Men continually produce sperm. So they don't have "old" sperm, they always make new sperm. Women are born with all the eggs they'll ever have. Eggs age as a woman ages since they are there from the beginning. If a woman is 36 yrs old so are her eggs. But a man's sperm are always fresh and new.

This contradicts the original argument that the old sperm are causing miscarriages. There seems to be a lot more to it than that for you both, but the driving force of the sperm debate seems like a mute point.

I have done absolutely no research. JMO. Good Luck
 
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PreggieAnd40 responded:
WOW!!! I am so sorry you are in this situation! My husband and I had 2 children early in our marriage - I was 21, he was 23 and 2nd at 23 and he at 26. We then had 2 more children late in our marriage. I was 38, he was 40 and with this last one - I was 41 and he was 43. Not ONCE did I consider not having a child because of miscarriage. Honestly, the only thing that concerned me was my old eggs - and having genetic problems because of them. Mary is right - - men continually make more sperm - so miscarriage would not be a problem there. If genetically there are problems - then I guess I could see the fear, but she is more apt to miscarry because of HER age - and has NOTHING at all to do with you.

I completely side with you. I cannot imagine a woman - regardless of the information that she is getting - going to a sperm bank to have a child that would not be part of her husband. AND - I cannot even conceive that she would think you would AGREE to that - - regardless of what part of the world you live. I may sound a bit harsh here - - but is she NUTS? What genetic problems could this sperm have? Why would she even open herself to that possibility? I guess I just can't conceive that any woman would do that to her husband and not allow him to share in the decision and joy of having a child. To me - it is very very selfish of her. She wants a child of her own but does not want you to be a part of it????? WOW!

I would definitely sit and have a very serious face to face. Statisically - you and she will have a perfectly normal child and with all luck - a perfectly normal pregnancy. If she were to miscarry - it would happen regardless of whether or not it was your sperm or someone else's. There are SO MANY women on this board that have been pregnant and miscarried, were artificially inseminated, etc and miscarried. There is just no guarantee that you will not have a miscarriage - - no one can make those odds any better. It is the woman's body that either accepts the pregnancy or does not - - and that is just the way that God made it.

I wish you the best of luck - - and a happy outcome. Angie
 
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csautter responded:
I think there is a bigger issue here. Your wife seems very quick to run to a sperm bank with no concern for your feelings or your wishes as far as having children is concerned. I wouldn't even be considering having children with her until you have resolved the elephant currently standing in the middle of your marriage. JMO.
 
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jlbragg8 responded:
Wow...I'm so sorry you are going through this. I must say that I don't understand your wife at all. There is scant evidence of paternal age being a big factor in child-bearing. There is actually a study currently underway and would you believe the lower age of the study is 40 years...which I think is still young for a man (my husband is 42 now and we are having baby #3...with no issues).

Personally, I think I would be so offended if my spouse even brought up this topic. I hope you don't get divorced over it, but in my opinion her ultimatum is ridiculous. I'm sure you love her, but if you don't agree, please don't let her have a child that is not yours...and be married to you. What is the point of getting married then?

Sorry, I'm really upset by this. I am also curious who put this in your wife's head? Does she have a history of any mental issues? She sounds really paranoid. I know the biological clock can click loudly, but that is no reason for ruining your marriage.

Again...just my opionions. I hope you can come to a decision.

Jenn


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