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Thoughts, fears, feelings...Part 1.
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rooni134 posted:

Hi Ladies,

A few weeks ago, when we took a labor class, they told us that whatever we are feeling as we wind down towards birth about everything is normal. The thing is i've been feeling a lot of things. Some of it is good and some bad, but mostly its apprehension. I have no one to talk to about what i feel because everyone just expects me to be insanely excited and i am for the most part, but part of me has all these fears. Since a lot of you ladies are in the same boat as me I thought i'd express my feelings here and hopefully get some advice from ladies who are already parents. I feel safe talking about it here.

Its hard to believe that in a few weeks i'll have a child. I'll be a parent. This tiny human being is going to need me to help her and take care of her, not just now but for the rest of her life. I've always wanted to have kids. When i was younger it was probably because of how cute babies are but as i grew older it was because i wanted a family of my own. My mother who has had bipolar/borderline personality disorder my whole life was never there for my two sisters and me. Her illness caused a lot of strain on my family and we never learned to communicate with each other. Even today, all of us can probably express our feelings to anyone else but each other. It suddenly occurred to me that i dont have any example to go off of. My mother didnt teach me how to be a mother. we didnt eat dinner together as a family everyday and discuss what was going on with us. we spent most of our lives taking care of ourselves and tip toeing around my mother who was always unhappy. i dont know how to be a family. so the million dollar question is: will i be a good mother? not just someone who feeds her and makes sure she has all the necessities but someone who will teach her to be a good person. someone who will communicate with her. what if i cant do it? what if she grows up in a family structure like my own where no one talks to each other and feels what i feel for my mom?
I LOVE this little miracle growing inside me. She came into my life when i thought it was never going to be possible. All the signs pointed towards the fact that i will never have kids. I have PCOS, none of the treatments were working for me and worst of all, i married a man who didnt even want kids! isnt that a kicker? an infertile woman who needs to try so much harder to have kids married someone who doesnt want kids. it wasnt like i was stupid or anything. when i first met my husband in college he told me didnt want kids. But we were 19, who wants kids at 19? but we love each other a lot. my husband is my best friend and the only person in my life who knows me better than i know myself. we have a very strong relationship and at that point I didn't something like that should end a great relationship. He eventually opened up to having kids but he was in no hurry. After getting his PhD, my husband realized that he wanted to be a physician and wanted to get into med school. He is unhappy with his career and his career defines him. We had a lot of discussions about his plans for career and my wish to have a family. He said we should wait till hes a physician, but that would mean we wouldnt even start trying till i was 35!! At 27, i finally convinced him to start trying and for months when nothing happened, he kind of gave up too and i think was relieved. when i told him i was pregnant, he cried. They werent tears of joy. He was upset because to him me getting pregnant meant that his dreams of becoming a physician were out the door. Having a child doesnt mean that you cant go to med school but he is a noble and knows that it will be difficult and he says this that this baby deserves a father who is there for her not an absentee father who is always busy. So throughout my pregnancy he was very distant from the baby. He took care of me when i needed it, but he made no attempt to bond with the baby.
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