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Thoughts, fears, feelings...Part 3
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rooni134 posted:
(refer to parts 1 and 2) When i was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, i was devastated. All i heard was "big baby", "respiratory distress", "increased likely hood of obesity and diabetes later", "shoulder dystocia" and the list went on and on. My doctors did nothing to alleviate my fears. And i thought "great, she is not even born yet and i am already hurting her". Then i found out that PCOS can interfere with breastfeeding, which was also devastating because i really want to breastfeed.
so there you have it. Between feelings of inadequacy about being a good mother, a reluctant husband, a failed family life, outside perceptions and a diagnosis of GD and PCOS, i get very little time to think about the good things. Sometimes i have good days where i think none of that matters. that when she comes we will learn together and we will be ok. then i have days like today where it just seems hopeless. God knows how extremely GRATEFUL i am to even have this opportunity to think all this, but i pray that i can do right by this little girl. That i can do everything i can to make sure she is always happy and healthy. That is she has a great childhood and happy memories. That she grows up with parents she can be close to and communicate with. That i can tell her how much i love her everyday and be the kind of mother she thinks of as her friend. That i can protect her from the evil in this world and show her the goodness.
I sometimes worry that all these feelings will give me postpartum depression or that i wont immediately fall in love with her. But as i write all this i realize that i already so love her so fiercely. i hope soon i can look back to this moment and realize that all these feelings were just part of becoming a new parent. I apologize for making this sooo long and thank you for reading. I hope i am not alone in feeling what i am feeling
have a good holiday weekend!
rooni
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FrenchBulldogMom responded:
I enjoyed reading your posts. I've been feeling pretty crabby lately, so I can identify with some of what you are feeling. It's inspired me to post about my own thoughts and feelings! Thank you.
 
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deliela999 responded:
Rooni, I'm crying reading this because I've had so many of the same thoughts already. I also have a mentally ill absent mother. We are close to my dad now, but he's pretty emotionally closed off. My sister and I have dealt with the lack of a mother by becoming very close and finding other females to learn from. My husband's mother is horrible and insanely selfish. He's super excited about the baby, but because he had to take care of his younger siblings he's constantly telling me he's already raised 3 kids. This frustrates me because trying to keep them alive and changing diapers at 10 and 12 years old is very different from trying to actually raise a good person. I have told his aunt (who we like) that she's the designated grandma because I want my baby to know a grandma that's involved and excited to see him or her. I think all we can do is try to do the best we can and in the absence of the traditional we can choose the family in this child's life. The fact that we care enough to worry about this shows that we will be good parents. No one is perfect and we will make mistakes, but the most important thing is that our children feel safe and know they are loved.

My sister had gestational diabetes and PCOS. Her daughter is fine and has no effects from the diabetes even though she was on insulin. She went to the nicu at first until they were sure she could stabilize her own sugar, but she's fine. Yes, she learned that PCOS can cause problems breast feeding, but she also learned that it's ok to supplement and whatever breast milk she can provide is helping her daughter. She was really upset about not making enough until her daughter was about 2 weeks old and one of the lactation nurses told her that she'd had to supplement her own children. They aren't quick to share that information, but it's ok.
 
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KL0124 responded:
Rooni, I don't really know you and have just joined this board, but ((((hugs))))) and I'm here from the other side to give you a glimpse of what it might be like (no two ppl have the same experience). I grew up in a very ugly (won't go into all of it), home environment and even lived on my own at 16 because my mother abandoned me keeping my siblings. I have moved extensively and finally got a family at 17 and met DH at 18. Needless to say, I had issues that I am still working on. DH didn't want kids and always told me we'd talk about it later. 4 m/c and tons of heartache later, I got pg with twins and was able to carry one to term. You name it, I had it- labor at 21 weeks, gestational diabetes, insufficient weight gain, etc. how could I be a good mom when I couldn't even take care of her pg? DH even flunked a prerequisite for grad school b/c I was unable to do more than incubate on modified bed rest.

So after all of the storms, I delivered a healthy baby girl. DH cried when he held her for the first time and didn't leave her side even when she had to go to the nursery for standard tests. The moment she says laid in my arms, I felt such overwhelming love. I did have a maternal instinct! There is nothing like it in all the world. Are there days DH is tired and frustrated and wants a break from DD, yes. And to be honest there are days I need a break too. You know what type of parent you don't want to be and will find the type of parent works for your family.

On the plus side, grad school doesn't have to wait. I have my doctorate (finished when pg with DD) and DH is 1 clinical year away from his Pharm.D while we are expecting twins. Yes, there will be stresses and moments of being overwhelmed, but speaking from the other side, you can do this and you will love and protect this child with DH.

Praying for you, Kris
 
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beachmommy5406 responded:
Oh Rooni! Hugs. I'm an occassional lurker (graduate from this board really) and I just popped in to see how everyone was doing. I'm sorry you're having all of these feelings, but it is normal. And, I must say, I think you'll be a great mom because of all the things you are worried you won't do. You will have family dinners because you know it's important. It doesn't matter if you didn't have them as a child...you knew you were missing out on something and want to do right by your little girl.

Yes, having a baby is hard, but anything worth anything in life is hard. And believe me, the good outweighs the difficult. When you think you've had enough of the poopy diapers, she'll look up at you with the most adoring smile and you know she loves you unconditionally. Diaper changes are some of my favorite times with my LO who will turn 1 next month. Sure, she squirms all over now, but we also have fun giggling and being silly while cleaning up. When she started waking in the middle of the night again (briefly caused by teething), I was exhausted, but loved cuddling with her in my bed to get her back to sleep. They find a way to let you know how much they need you and how important you are, just when you need them to.

As far as your DH, I'm sure the second he lays eyes on her he'll be in love. You said his career defines him. It's quite possible, when he becomes a Daddy to a little girl, something new will define him. My DH became a much better father when our daughter was born. He was always great with my son, but little girls and their daddies have something special going on. Have faith in yourself, and your and DH's love for one another. You'll be able to build a beautiful family.

Wishing you the very best with your family. There truly is nothing better than the love of your child.
Maura (31) DH (32) Parents to one amazing 4 1/2 year old son and got our BFP on 10/10/10 (hpt) after our 2nd IVF cycle. U/S showed one healthy baby due on Father's Day. We're on the surprise team!
 
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rooni134 replied to FrenchBulldogMom's response:
Hi French, i am glad that you were able to write about what you feel. Thats why i love this board!
 
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rooni134 replied to deliela999's response:
Hi Deliela,

Thank you for sharing your experience. It made me realize that with the bad sometimes comes good and that is what we should hang on to
 
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rooni134 replied to KL0124's response:
Hi Kris,

Thank you for sharing your experience as well. it sounds like you had it a lot rougher than i did and look at you today!!! that is wonderful that you guys are so successful its good to know that we have the ability to work through whatever life throws at us.
 
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rooni134 replied to beachmommy5406's response:
Hi Beachmommy, thank you for sharing all those beautiful stories! you made me feel a lot better about DH and DD. I hope that it is exactly like that. he really is coming around though. he has even starting talking to me belly
 
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FrenchBulldogMom replied to rooni134's response:
My husband likes to talk to my belly, too! LOL!
I'm afraid that he's going to be our daughter's favorite. He already stole my dog!
 
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booklvr04 replied to FrenchBulldogMom's response:
lurking...

Hi Rooni. I'm sure it took a lot for you to post all of those feelings. And you know what I took from your post? That you are going to be an amazing mom just because you are feeling those things. I can tell how much you love your daughter, and the fact that you are worried about these things already speaks volumes about how much you are going to love her when she is here. All of your concerns are valid, and everyday will bring a new challenge. My son is now 21 months old, and looking back, the things I worried about 6 months ago seem so small, and I worried that I every decision I made would effect his entire life, but I have learned that love is all you really need, the rest will fall into place. And I can guarantee that the joy will outweigh the negative thoughts. Hang in there... it's going to be an glorious ride!!!
Emily(31); DH(32) - After 4 failed IUI's we conceived on our own prior to our IVF cycle! Alexander Edward was born on 9/1/2010; 5lbs 15oz, 20; God is Great!
 
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rooni134 replied to booklvr04's response:
Thank you booklvr04! i feel a LOT better getting all this out. You ladies are awesome!
 
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no1phillygirl responded:
I am going to tell you that I have the same concerns. You are going to be a great mom because you are already worrying and know what you don't want. My mother was never diagnosed but I can bet money that she is bipolar. I have gone as far to not talk to her for a few years. I only talk to her occasionally. Luckily she lives in Philly. I have had many bouts of depression and feelings of sadness so I worry that my baby girl will sense this and develop the same issues. One of the things I am hoping to avoid since we used egg donor. You are not alone! We are here for you. I hope that you will join the Paif grad board when you have this little girl. Take care of yourself!
Marla(43) DH(33) BFP 10/08 m/c 11/08
ivf1 9/09 BFP m/c 6 wks
ivf2 2/10 BFP trisomy d


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