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TRIGGERS--Just a bit depressed and overwhelmed
Mandy_Smiles posted:
[TRIGGER] TRIGGERS. So I have had a lot of things happen within the past few weeks: was laid off work, started effacing about a month ago and was put on "modified bed rest", fell on the ice-- spent a night in the hopsital with regular contractions and then put on stricter bed rest, baby shower cancelled due to the bed rest, and just overall loneliness and depression. Everyday I wake up and count my blessings and thank God for the healthy baby girl growing inside of me, for my wonderful and loving DH, and my wonderful dog. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for, being 34 weeks along. Lately I just seem to feel like I am emotionally right back to where I was right after our loss and I can't seem to get out of this funk.

Since our baby shower was cancelled, my MIL brought us some of the items that her friends were going to give to us. One of the items is a pink bear from Russ Berrie Shining Stars. This little pink bear came with information and a code to go online to a website and name a star after our baby. This gift is for Gwen, the baby I am currently carrying. Ever since we received this pink bear I have just felt an overwhelming sense of grief and guilt because I wanted to do something like this after we lost our baby back in April but we never did. I had looked into naming a tree after the baby but everyone I had contacted did not return my calls or e-mails and I guess I just stopped pursuing it after that. I didn't even think about naming a star after our baby. Now I am just sick with grief once again. I think I am going through another hormone change since my milk is coming in and is leaking all the time and there are other physical changes I am going through, but I just seem to cry about our first baby everyday lately. I just went online and purchased a Shining Stars elephant from for the baby we lost. I chose the elephant because I had bought a little elephant for the baby we lost and when I hold it I just feel a little closer to the baby. I know, crazy. I feel like I made the right decision to buy a star for the first baby. I feel like I have to name a star after our first baby before I can feel right about naming one after Gwen. I know, this probably doesn't make any sense. I haven't told anyone about my feelings toward the pink bear with the star, not even my DH. Everyone is just so excited about Gwen coming within the next few weeks, they will think I am crazy if I let them know that I am still not dealing well with the loss of our first baby when they think I should be past the loss and should be preparring for the one I am about to have. You ladies are the only ones who know about the Shining Stars elephant right now. I am going to explain to my DH how I have been feeling once I receive it so that we can name it together. I just wish I knew if this will ever get easier. It seems like everytime I think I am beginning to learn how to handle our loss, something happens and the grief all comes rushing back to me. Don't get me wrong, I am sooooo thankful and soooo in love with Gwen and I cannot believe I have made it to 34 weeks and she looks perfectly healthy so far. I understand that I am so very blessed, but for some reason I just cannot shake this depressed feeling and I find myself striving for the moments I will never have with our first baby that I am about to experience with Gwen. I just had to vent this somewhere, thank you for listening.
Mandy 26, DH 31, Angel Baby @ 13weeks April 2010, EDD 3/27/11 and we are thinking about calling her Gwenyth Grace :)
earleyml1012 responded:
I'm sorry that you feel that way. I spoke with a friend's mom the other day (she too miscarried between her children) and she told me that it's perfectly normal to grieve for your lost child for years. She loss hers 20 years ago and still gets sad at times, so please know it's normal. I don't think you'll ever be over the child that you lost but I think once little Gwenyth comes you will be filled with such love for her that it will help ease the pain. For me personally, talking to DH about my feelings helps a ton. He may not understand where you are coming from but he'll be there to hug and let you cry on his shoulder. Good luck with your last few weeks and know it's ok to still grieve!
NCOArmyWife responded:
I'm so sorry, but I understand. It's normal to still grieve... your current circumstances don't change what happened in the past. I conceived my oldest 3 months after losing my first pregnancy. I look at her and know that if I hadn't lost that first baby, I wouldn't have her. But you know what? I still grieve for the baby I never knew. Some people may not understand that, but that's their problem, not mine. ::hugs:: I hope your hormones level out and that you are able to work through all of your emotions.
Susan-27 DH-27, Layla-5 1/2, Carissa-4. M/C's: Jami 1/19/04, Leigh 10/2/08, Alex 12/8/08, Sam 1/23/09. BFP July 3 EDD 3-15-11 BLUE TEAM! Gabriel Michael
jedmonds12 replied to NCOArmyWife's response:
Mandy, I'm sorry you're feeling sad again... but don't think that it's not normal or that you shouldn't still have your "down" days about your loss. It's perfectly normal to grieve for a while, as long as it doesn't interfere with your daily activities for days on end. I think the Shining Star elephant is a great idea, and I have hope that it will help bring a little more closure to your feelings of grief and guilt. You should be able to focus more on Gwen than the baby you lost and I think you've finally found a great way to help yourself move on!

((BIG HUGS)) Don't be discouraged, but definitely do talk it out with your DH, and if you find that this overwhelming sadness doesn't ease up after you share your feelings and name your star... well... maybe a talk with your doctor might not be a bad idea? It could just be your hormones, but I read an article about pregnancy-induced depression and postpartum depression over the weekend, and if the sadness doesn't get better with time, you might need a little help getting balanced again. It happens way more frequently than I thought; something like 20% of pregnant women get it, and of those, 50% get severely depressed.
Julie (27) DF (34). One MC 5/10 at 7 wks. BFP 8/9/10! It's a boy!!! EDD 4/18/11
mel07430 responded:
Hi Mandy...grad lurking here. I just wanted to say I am sorry you are feeling sad. I understand 100% what it is like to feel sad and happy at the same time and be so conflicted. I lost 3 angels prior to having my DD and now my DS as well and I am going to be honest I still get sad and sometimes cry.
It's weird because without those losses I would not have my beautiful DD or my DS whom I love more then life itself but on the other hand I grieve for what could have been. It is so hard.

Hang in there and do what you need to do to feel better. I think naming the star after the baby you lost is a wonderful idea.
Melissa (36) DH (39) We have three angels in Heaven- 9/06, 1/07, 9/07. We have one beautiful daughter who is 2yo and a son who is 8 weeks.
LindzRenee responded:

Just wanted to tell you that I totally understand where you are coming from. I hope you know that you are not alone with this. I'm confident when I say that I will never, ever feel that I will get over having experienced a loss. Even holding our little one now, I have incredibly sad moments. Moments that break my heart all over again. Even in the delivery room, I had a breakdown because I didn't want my baby to leave my womb. I think you are doing the right thing by talking about what you are feeling. Most people (as you probably know) don't really know how to talk to us about our losses, that's why we have each other. Hang in there and hold on! (((((HUGS)))))
Me 32 - DH 36 Bode Edward Born 11.3.2010! MC's 3/9, 4/9 and 10/9
dino44 responded:
Grad lurking...

Oh hugs, Mandy! I know exactly what you are going through. We all do! Even after two PAL babies, I still have moments of overwhelming grief for my lost little one. I think of what a great big sister Emma has been, and I think of how much fun she would have had with an older sibling. She's always been such a social butterfly, and it seems like she was meant to be a little sister. And she was...

Best rest sucks, Mandy. Especially at the end. All you have is time. Time to think and relive and stew. The nerves that come with a baby arriving soon along with all the hormones just makes everything seem so overwhelming. I think this all may be healing for you in the long run, though. I'm glad you got the elephant. That will continue to be something so special for you, and it can be something Gwen and your angel will have in common.

Vent away, girl, and work all of this out. Pretty soon you will be completely caught in your sweet little Gwen. If you work through all of your anxiety and grief now (instead of pushing it back down), you'll be better able to handle it when it comes in again. I hope this is coming out right. What you are going through is completely normal. Just hang in there, and talk when you need to. More hugs to you!
Me: Tabatha (28), DH: Paul (29), Angel Baby @ 13 weeks, PAL graduate!!!: Emma 4/3/09, PAL 2: BFP 4/24 keeping our fingers crossed for another Graduate. EDD 12/31/10! Saw hb on 5/17! YELLOW TEAM!
TeacherBeck responded:
BIG ((((hugs)))) Mandy.
I experienced this later in pregnancy, too, and then even more so when my LO was first born. (TRIGS) I had a few really bad dreams in the week or two before Juiliet came. When I had her I was so, so relieved that she was OK that I was afraid the nurses would think I wasn't happy, I was more just looking to see if she was really OK and then just in kinda disbelief that she was here and perfect that I finally relaxed, so instead of appearing so excited I probably seemed kinda shocked/passive. I WAS happy but it was just all bundled up in relief.
(More triges!) The when I got home, anytime I was up alone in the middle of the night nursing her, she looked so peaceful and sweet I would just cry, not outright sobs, but tears would just stream down and my heart ached all over again for my precious Jackson. It was so hard b/c I KNEW it wasn't a depression, it was just another part of the healing, but I didn't feel I could talk about it with anyone but DH. So it was that whole "smiling on the outside" thing many of us went through after our loss(es). Honestly, I didn't have any issues bonding with Juliet, but having her made me so sad for my LO I lost.

I know part of it was hormones, b/c I would cry at other silly things on TV like commercials or anything that had to do with a family/babies. My husband got a kick out of this b/c I literally cried watching Minute to Win It b/c they surprised these two siblings with their other sibs & parents and I was BAWLING LOL.
Tons of hugs, I understand how you feel. I am thankful for your post, even though I KNOW this is a great place for support, I for some reason thought I was the only one who had gone through this greiving during a joyous time. Thanks for posting and I hope the support lifts you up!
Becky (30) DH (37) One brand-new LO, Juliet Christine came Dec 10th (EDD was 12/27), and she is PERFECT! TRIGS: 1 loss (Jackson, Aug 6th '09), story in profile.
Mandy_Smiles responded:
Thank you everyone for the support. I already feel a little better today just knowing that the elephant is on it's way. I talked to my DH tonight. I know, bad timing with Valentines Day and all, but he is really glad I ordered the elephant too. He was concerned about me since I was quietly crying in bed last night while I thought he was sleeping and he is glad that I opened up to him and let him in. I am glad this message board is here, it was really uplifting to see all of your responses and for a reminder that I am not alone. Thank you all for your responses.
Mandy 26, DH 31, Angel Baby @ 13weeks April 2010, EDD 3/27/11 and we are thinking about calling her Gweneth Grace :)
cheyenne828 replied to Mandy_Smiles's response:
Hi Mandy, just giving you a virtual hug. You got lots of good advice above. Hope you can enjoy just a bit of your Valentine's day and start fresh again tomorrow. XO

Pam 37, DH 37 ~ TTC 1 ~ BFP 5/29/09, MC 7/7/09 ~ BFP 12/14/09, early MC 12/20/09 ~ BFP 7/24/10, EDD 4/2/11, yellow team

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Me (31) DH (31) DS (pal grad 1/17/10). m/c 5/08 10/08. Trust in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.

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