Pregnancy Community

[TRIGGER] Let me start of will a little background. My boyfriend and I have only been "officially" together for three and a half months. We've been in love with each other for 7 years. Since high school. The timing for us was always bad. We are both 25. I left my emotionally and sometimes physically abusive fiance to be with him, and he moved two hours from up north to live here with me. He has been living with me for a month. Prior to that we drove 2 hours, alternating weekends to see each other.

Ok, so... We were stupid. I'm not on birth control and am afraid to take it because of the history of breast cancer and heart disease in my family. I had a prescription for the most generic type (only type my doctor would even discuss prescribing me?) and after reading all sorts of bad things about it, could not even make myself fill the prescription much less... take that crap.

Back to the we're stupid part... We had unprotected sex... A LOT.

We got pregnant.

We had already discussed having babies, and he wants them. He had gotten another girlfriend of his pregnant on purpose, but she aborted and left him. I thought I really wanted kids too, and in fact have been jealous of friends who were preggo in the past.

Now that I'm pregnant...I want it to die. I'm praying for a miscarriage. I just found out three days ago, one day past the expected start date of my period. Three at home tests say I'm knocked up.

We got what we wanted, and now it's hitting me that I don't want it. I have to get three dental implants done (three front baby teeth were pulled a year ago so I could do Invisalign), and apparently as long as I'm pregnant, that's out of the question.

I wanted to travel OTR with my boyfriend for a while (I have decided to quit my job, and truck with him since I HATE my job as a dog groomer.) That can't happen with a little one.

I want to be at least engaged before we have kids... Well, we're obviously not engaged yet.

I don't want to quit smoking, drinking alcohol on the weekends, or give up caffeine... I haven't quit smoking yet, as a matter of fact.. Three days, and three packs. I'm still drinking my coffee in the AM, and my can on Monster through the day at work.

I'm just not ready to grow up, myself... and now I'm seeing that, even after all the thinking about this I did before hand.

I've talked to him about abortion. He wants me to keep it, but is supportive of whatever decision I make, no matter how sad he feels. In his words, "I love you more than anything, you're my number one, and I want what's best for us. No matter what."

I feel actual HATE toward this thing that is now a parasite inside of me. I'd like to end this with a "medical abortion" and try again in a year or two when I'm older and actually mentally ready for this.

I want to do the responsible thing, and not bring an unwanted child into this world.

A.) Am I nuts?

B.) Has anyone had a medical abortion and lived to tell about it?

We're old enough and well off enough to raise a child, but I am not mature enough. I thought I was, but my brain didn't let me know I'm not until the pregnancy test said I'm gonna be a mommy.

I'm extremely depressed over this, and have barely held it together the last couple days at work, only to come home and cry for hours. I'm crying because I'm upset that I can't be happy about this, and that I want to end it...

Help. I just need to hear from others who may have gone through this.

I hope my frazzled brain included everything I needed to include...