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Huge fear/disgust of pregnancy
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anna_bugz posted:
Hi everyone, I know that this board is for women who are already pregnant but I need a place to start figuring out if there's something wrong with me. I am in my mid-30s and my boyfriend really wants to get married, and more than anything, wants kids. I know this means I will have to have them in the next few years, and every time I think about it I have panic attacks. I'm not ready to be a parent, even though I think I want to be, but in addition to that--and probably the larger source of anxiety--is the idea of being pregnant, giving birth, and physical consequences of being a mother.

I have always been disgusted by pregnancy, and I have trouble even looking at pregnant women (no offense). I am very active and I don't understand how one functions with a huge ball attached to their abdomen, being nauseous all the time, and always wanting to sleep-- how do you even work? How do you even reach the keyboard! How do sleep! The idea of feeling the fetus kick inside you freaks me out like you wouldn't believe. I can't look at my friends' sonograms-- I can't stand the thought of that growing inside someone. I hate how pregnant women's belly buttons push out. I don't like that you get so weak during pregnancy and after birth-- like there is so much muscle loss that you can't always get back, how can that be healthy? I don't want hemeroids, incontinence, or hair loss. I don't want huge boobs and breast feeding gives me the heebie-jeebies. I don't understand how anyone makes it through childbirth.

Besides all this, I'm afraid of not being able to function both during pregnancy and while trying to get pregnant. I have PCOS and PMDD and have been on the pill for 12 years-- I am terrified of being off it for an extending amount of time--what if I can't work? I also take spironolactone, and I'm afraid of all the facial hair growth, acne, and possible hair loss if I go off it (you have to go off it 3 months prior to going off the pill because it can cause birth defects). If it takes me years to get pregnant, that will be years of not taking the medications I rely on. I also have ADHD and take Adderall, and I know you can't take that while pregnant or breast feeding, but I need it to work!

How do I come to terms with all this? And quickly! I am in the position of having to go from thinking I would never have to get pregnant to having to be stoked about it within a couple years. I know my boyfriend wants me to really want to be pregnant (twice!) and I just can't wrap my head around it. The actual kids aren't even the problem, it's just what I have to do to get them!

Can anyone offer insight into why I feel like this and if I can fix it? Are there things you can do to make pregnancy easier? I feel like if I trained really hard in the gym leading up to it and made myself stronger than I've ever been in the legs, arms, and core it would really help, but I don't even know if that's the case. How do you guys live your lifes with the nausea, the bump, the boobs, the sleeping, the other scary stuff? Help!
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scperdomo7 responded:
Everyone has their own reservations about becoming a mother - some more unique or extreme than others. And there are some women out there who just aren't "made" to have children (my sister is one of them).

And there is nothing wrong with that, but you need to sit down and talk with your boyfriend about this before you discover that you simply do not want children - it could be a major deal breaker for him.

Do you want children at all? Is it just being pregnant and the immediate years following (breastfeeding, etc) that freak you out? Perhaps adoption (or even surrogacy) would be a better option for you and your boyfriend. But like I said, this is something that you and him (and perhaps a professional) need to figure out.
I would suggest you speak with a professional who is better suited to help you sort out these issues.

I wish you the best!!
 
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anna_bugz replied to scperdomo7's response:
What type of professional would one talk about this? A doctor? A therapist?

It is a huge deal breaker for my boyfriend, which is why I am so stressed about it, all the time. He has been bringing it up more and more lately. We talk about it a lot. I keep telling him I will do it, but part of me doesn't want to-- mainly because I have to do it so soon.

I don't know if I want children-- I just never gave it much thought. I never really cared one way or the other, other than knowing I think pregnancy is awful, and I've never really been in a position where I had to think about it. How on earth can you you know you want kids? I definitely know I'm not ready for them-- I haven't lived my life yet-- my career is nowhere near where it should be, I have no money, I've never even traveled. I'll never get the chance for any of that if I have kids. My boyfriend is even less "together" than I am, but he doesn't care. We've only been together for a year, and because of my stupid biological clock, I have to skip over all the good adult couple stuff and everything is about when I can get pregnant. I would rather start thinking about getting married or something, and building some stuff together, but I can't because I am too old/too young. We have to skip all of that fun stuff and go right to planning kids. It's not fair. I thought I would be able to take it step by step, but I have to go straight for the ultimate decision without any warm up. Since I have no idea what it would be like to have kids, I can't know if I want them. I just wish I could take a few minutes to focus on getting married or something, but he wants to nail down the kid stuff first and think about getting married around that. It seems all out of order to me.

We could never afford surrogacy, and my boyfriend would rather we try to have our own kids first before trying to adopt. I sort of agree with that.
 
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scperdomo7 replied to anna_bugz's response:
I'm not sure, a therapist maybe. Maybe not even a professional, maybe a good friend who is a good listener and can give you unbiased advice.

It's a scary thing for sure. having kids. Thinking about having kids and everything that entails. And there really is never a perfect time to have kids (I'm sure you've heard people say that before, but its true). I knew I wanted children some day and I knew I wanted 4 kids (we'll come back to that). My husband and I had been dating for 2 1/2 years before we got married. I was 24 and he was 33. He also has a son from a previous relationship - who is now 16.

6 months into our marriage, I find out I am pregnant. I am still in college with 2 years left working a crappy part time job at the mall. Thankfully he had a good job with good benefits, but he was still paying $900/month in child support. We were NOT in a position to be having children yet. We hadn't even got a change to experience being newlyweds! And, we didn't live together prior to marriage so we were still getting know each other in a "roommate" sense. When we celebrated our 1 year anniversary, I was 8 months pregnant and went to bed around 9pm.

It sucked. I worked until the day before I delivered and went back to work 2 weeks later because we just couldn't afford for me not to. We also couldn't afford daycare, so I stayed home during the week taking classes online and worked all weekend. This went on for 8 months before I found an affordable sitter, and then I had to get a 2nd job.

Anyway, when the baby was around 1 1/2, I found a full time, well paying job where I am still at. That same baby just turned 3 and I am 5 months pregnant with number 2 and once again, we were not ready. Thankfully, I am no longer in school but there is no way we can afford 2 kids in daycare (I did the math, it would take my entire paycheck). I had started looking for another job prior to finding out and we had talked about starting to try for another one at the end of the summer - well, it came a little early and once again we are scrambling to figure it out. But it will work out, just like before.

Anyway, the point is this is something you 2 really need to talk about. If you want to get married first, then take THAT step first. There is no hard and fast rule that says you have to be pregnant by a certain age. No one says you have to skip all the fun stuff. You have only been with this guy for a year and he is pressuring you to have kids? Seriously? If he was that serious, why not ask you to marry him first? By 1 year, my husband and I had just started saying "I love you" to each other!

Of course there is no wrong or right way to do things. The "right" way is the way you are most comfortable. If you arent ready, then you just arent ready and he is a jerk for pressuring you. Say you do get pregnant because he wants it so much, you could end up resenting him, or the child, for all your missed opportunities. And there is no telling where that could take your relationship.

It's clear that you two are NOT on the same page in regards to the nature of your relationship. It sounds like you both have some re-evaluating to do and a LOT of talking to figure out where you both want to be, say, in the next year. Because it sounds like you both have a very different picture of what that might look like.

If you need to vent or talk (I am totally unbiased!) you can personal message me on here and I could give you my email or something. You just have to do what you are comfortable with and if that means continuing your career and waiting on kids, then so be it. Your boyfriend needs to understand and support that or he may not be the right guy for you.


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