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My husband is trying to torture me!
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kelley930 posted:
I'm 36 weeks as of Wednesday and up until this point, my husband has had a "we'll just wing it" attitude... I forced to go to a birthing class a few weeks ago and he's suddenly paranoid about the whole birthing process. Now he's almost insistent that I go without an epidural - my response was that I will go as long as I can because I can't stay in bed for that long. I can't have my mother in the delivery room with me because it would piss his mother off. Now we are paying for a doula to help him help me - even though my mother was in the delivery room with my sister for the birth of her 3 children and I would rather have her with me.

Am I wrong to have a "this is about me & what I want" attitude? He makes me feel guilty for wanting L&D to go the way I want.
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kelley930 responded:
regarding the epidural - he wants to know what a natural birth is like.... i told him that i'll punch him in the gut a few thousand times and then reach inside him and twist his insides around so he knows what it feels like...
 
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Allaya9 responded:
Well, as far as the epidural that should be completely your decision since your the one going through all the pain of labor and delivery, remind him of that. Don't feel guilty or get guilted into anything you don't feel comfortable with. I've already told my husband that I want an epidural since I'm a wimp with pain and only him in the delivery room since I really don't want anyone else seeing such an unflattering side of me. Sounds also like he's getting a bit scared of L&D just sit down and tell him how your feeling. GL!
Me(36) DH(37) EDD 9/10/11 Blue Team! Our first! Lochlan Sidney
 
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sweets1988 replied to kelley930's response:
completely agree with Allaya. L&D should be YOUR choice, and you shouldnt have to worry every one elses opinions. Pain also effects us all differently so i would in no way limit yourself. Like she said, talk it over with him and let him know how you feel about things. I would 100% say be selfish! its supposed to be your enjoyment and good memories. Its easy for everyone else who arnt getting rung through the cleaners. There is nothing wrong with a doula! by all means support is great. As for having your mom with you without the Mother in Law in the room... better to ask for forgiveness later. Again, its about you and baby. and you can let your nursing staff know ahead of time, who you want in that room and to block others. Let them be the line backers for your day. Most will have no trouble being the tel tale "bitch" to keep you happy and its healthier for you! no stress. here is my favorite list i refer to when i get down about stuff like that. http://forums.webmd.com/3/pregnancy-second-trimester-exchange/forum/23829/9 good luck sweety!
 
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smmeagan responded:
Just out of experience, my sister-in-law didn't have her own mother in the room becasue she was worried his mother would feel left out. Let me just tell you my mother-in-law is still hurt to this day that she wasn't allowed in the room. She tells my constantly how greatful she is that I let her in the room during my L&D and her own daughter didn't. If you can have them both do it, there's so much going on you wont even worry anyone isin the room except your husband, everyone else kinda fades away! I had hubby, his mother, my mother, and both my sisters in the room during my 4 day L&D! and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. If you just want your mother and not his that's completely your decision it's your privates not anyone elses don't feel bad at all they have to understand. It is the largest moment of your life don't let anyone ruin it! About the epidural, my hubby didn't care either way but I chose not to have one and it's not as bad as people say. Don't be scared into having one, unless you really need it! Good luck!
 
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kell0613 responded:
They say labor is the worst pain a woman can experience. I would say to translate that to a guy, it would be equal to getting punched in the nuts a few dozen times. It is your body going thru the pain, if you want an Epi, don't let DH talk you out of it. Maybe he's nervous about the procedure. Just be vocal and tell the nurses what YOU want. They'll listen to you even if your DH is saying that you don't want meds.

As far as the mother/mother-in-law situation, I'd tell him that your mom was present when you were born and you'd like her there for you when you give birth. He isn't giving birth, so it isn't up to him! I think that most (sane and rational) MILs would understand not being in the delivery room. Heck, my own MOTHER thinks it would be inappropriate to be in the room when I deliver! (She says it is should just be shared between DH and I, which isn't all bad, because that's what we both wanted) Tell your MIL can come in as soon as everyone is cleaned up.
Me(26), DH(32), Baby 1- It's a Girl! EDD 9/12/11
 
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kelley930 replied to kell0613's response:
ahhh - sane & rational is not in my MIL's vocabulary. She has told me 1,000 times that she was in the DL with her niece (sorry, but that's a little weird to me). And she tries putting me on a guilt trip that she wasn't involved in the birth of her grand-daughter in anyway... that she didn't even meet her until she was 4 months old... not my problem!!!!

I think the whole thing stems to the fact that my DH doesn't get that my mom & my sister are my best friends... he doesn't have that relationship with his family, so he doesn't understand the importance, even though I could tell him until i'm blue in the face.
 
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missashley1010 responded:
we are in the same boat right now. My BF is against letting me get the epi he is like if you get it and your paralized im not helping you....geee thanks. He is freaked out about the meds but im thinking to myself when im screaming in his face im sure he will change his mind real quick lol. As far as mother in law thing...his mom has always lived in a different state so I never thought I would have to worrie about that but....she just decided that she is moving here oct 1st.....my due date oct 10th......eff my life cuz now he is like I want her to be there. Im thinking well I have met your mom once and im NOT comfortable with your mom in there sorry buddy just stick your ground this is all about you
 
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earleyml1012 replied to missashley1010's response:
Have you gone to any birthing classes? They explain the meds and it's almost impossible to be paralized by an epi. They barely insert the needle into your back and the nerves that they would need to hit are much further in your back. So maybe that will help to calm your DH or BF.

Seriously it's up to you girls. It's your body and if you need the meds to help get you through labor than go for it. My DH was supportive of whatever I wanted. He preferred if I went all natural but once he saw how much pain I was in, he said it was up to me.
 
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kell0613 replied to kelley930's response:
Maybe the hospital "rules" can help. Where I'm delivering they have a limit of 2-3 people in the DL (outside of of the Dr and nurses) With DH, your Mom and your Sis, maybe that's about all that will fit!
I'm totally on your side, I would DIE if my MIL was insisting she be present for the birth. Luckily for me, she lives 18 hours away, so she's flying in a few weeks after my due date.
Good Luck!
Me(26), DH(32), Baby 1- It's a Girl! EDD 9/12/11
 
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RanchMommy1533 responded:
My husbands entire side of the family is very 'wing it'. My mother in law is insisting on being in the delivery room with our second daughter. Not a big fan. I told my sister in law this the other day.... There is one time in a woman's life where it is truly all about you!!! L&D is that time! If you want an epidural, go for it! If you want your mom in there with you, do it! Until that baby draws it's first breath after labor, it's your time! Do it the way you want to, it's an amazing experience you can't get back after it's gone!
Emily 22, DH 21, Sarah 1 1/2, Charlotte due Oct 27th.
 
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tlkittycat1968 replied to kell0613's response:
My hospital only allowed two people in the delivery room (I had 2 c-sections) and they were my mom and DH.

I've heard nurses are willing to be the bad guy so if there's anyone you don't want in the delivery room, tell the nurse and they won't allow them in.
 
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Lysana responded:
Lurking...

First, if you want your mom in there, I'd say have her in there. If your MIL can't understand and respect that, then it's not worth trying to please her, because she sounds (in that case) like the sort who won't be pleased, no matter what you do. Don't put aside something that will make you happy in an effort to please someone who probably will just find another reason to be unhappy, anyway. I know - easier said than done, because it creates difficult/awkward situations, but the birth of your first child is a special time, and if you want to be able to share that with your mom, you should do that.

Second, I highly recommend having a doula with you. It helps to have someone you can trust and respect in the room with you, but who is not emotionally involved in the situation, especially if you and your family labor support (DH, mom) aren't entirely on the same page when it comes to options during labor. Typically, a doula is thought of as being there to support a mom through a medication-free childbirth, but a doula should be trained and willing/happy to support and respect you WHATEVER decision you make during labor. She can help you determine, when the time comes, if you REALLY want that epidural, and also support you in making that choice, if it is really what you want. (So if you find someone, interview her and try to make sure she IS willing to support you, no matter what, and not pressure you into choices you don't want to make.)

Third, don't underestimate yourself. With my first two babies, I was induction w/pitocin epidural all-the-way...would never in a million years have thought of doing it otherwise. In early 3rd tri with my 3rd baby, I started researching it, and decided - despite what I thought I wanted - that I was less comfortable with the risks associated with an epidural than I originally thought, and decided that it would be better for me & for my baby if I did without. I am typically not tolerant of pain - one of those people who needs nitrous oxide to get a cavity filled, LOL! - but I decided it was more important to do what I thought was best for my baby and me than to do what was most comfortable for me.

Eventually, the more I researched it, the more excited I got about it, and I was able to go into labor with an optimistic attitude. That attitude carried me through a long, painful labor, and ultimately, I made it, although in a different atmosphere, I might not have - I certainly can't completely credit myself for it. I had an awesome doula and an awesome L&D nurse who supported me through it. During labor, I had plenty of "What was I THINKING???" moments, but I made it through, and was glad I made the choice I made (although I WILL say, it took a week or so for me to get to that point).

I'm certainly not trying to convince you of anything - other than odds are, you're stronger than you think. You need to do what is best for YOU and for your baby during your labor. Obviously, there are things that can happen during labor that make a med-free birth NOT the best way to go. But your frame of mind, I think, will be best if you go into it making the decisions that you feel are best for you and your baby, whatever those might be.

But please, if there is any way to do it, have your mom in there, if you can. You'll be glad you were able to share this special time with her, if that is what you want. (((hugs))) I know it is hard. I hope that, whatever you decide, everything goes beautifully for you!
Kelly (32) ~~ Craig (35) ~~ Eliana (4) ~~ Joshua (2.5) ~~ Rebekah (7.5 mo) ~~ Pumpkin (10w4d, EDD 10/3/2011) ~~ ^i^ (Jan 2006) ~~
 
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missashley1010 replied to earleyml1012's response:
yes we just finished are classes last week. I think he knows im going to do whats best for me he is still just freaked out im never going to walk again so on and so forth I just try to ignore him.
 
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kelley930 replied to kelley930's response:
it is such a relief to know that I'm not alone with this situation... I'm not the only one with a crazy MIL..... I know deep down that my husband will give in to me eventually, because he cringes every time the baby jabs me in the ribs. I've promised to go as long as I can with the Epi, but that is strictly because I'm not the type of person to sit still too long and not having the option to walk around will piss me off too much!

We've already decided to go with a doula and it is someone I have known for a few years through another friend, so I'm familiar with her, but not too familiar.... it's a good balance..... and we already have an adjustable plan in place.

UPDATE: went for my 36 week appt today.... i'm 1 cm, and baby boy is estimated to be about 6 lbs so far, but doc says he's in no rush. his head is comfortably resting in my pelvis, but still has some moving to do before I can even think of him making an early arrival.
His weight freaked DH out a little and now he's think CS.... yeah, i'm small to be going natural with an 8 lber, but I had to let him know that these are extremely rough estimates & plenty of people my size have given birth to big babies naturally!


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