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making himself miserable
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DmndLife1984 posted:
A relative seems to do way too much with his girlfriend and her family, like spend weekends with horrible people, that he really doesn't want to. I'd actually like to know the family more, but I remember once the night before he was headed to one of the most violent parts of the world, there was a get-together for him, and because her family was getting anxious about the time, he ditched me. He later called and told me nobody there was mad at me. I kicked the "wet floor" sign clear across a corridor where I work and asked him what the hell they could be mad at me for. Mad at me for being ditched? Not that I was too worried he wouldn't, but he did get back safely.


He goes to see her a lot, and never tells me even when we have plans. I can always tell when he's going, and still he always beats around the bush. He says he's satisfied, but for one, he's fascinated with my own sex life, always asking if I've made plans for call girls before I travel, and after I get back how that went. According to him I had more sex in one weekend than he does in a typical month, and I hope if I ever had a girlfriend myself, I wouldn't be so fascinated with someone else's sex life. I'm uncomfortable answering some of these questions after a while. His girlfriend did cheat on him once, but I don't know what that was about. He stupidly tried to rationalize it, and I did call him a wimp for that, and unfortunately, I believe he thinks if they split up, then he has no other options. I don't want him to snap, like sometimes I think he might after more of this, but I really think he needs to get mad.


My aggression has its own misery, but it wards off other kinds of misery. I may not believe I could have a girlfriend, but at the same time, unlike him, I don't believe in being jerked around, and I won't jerk myself around. A tall leggy blonde I briefly knew offered me her number once, asking if I would keep in touch because she thought I was a really cool guy. I was excited, thinking she was cool too, and called her at some point. She seemed excited to hear from me, told me she'd call me back on a certain day, and didn't. No matter how excited I'd been, and disappointed I was, I didn't call again because there's no way I was up for playing games. For him, I don't believe his current girlfriend is the only option, and that there are probably a few women in his circle who'd be glad to go out with him.


He asked me to bail him out the other night, as her plans he'd gone along with left him without food, so I pulled up and then bought him dinner. There's also the job he hates with the people he can't stand, and the health issues I don't think he's putting much effort into, but in short, I'm tired of all his negative tirades, none of which end in him putting his foot down. I'm not a good listener, not after a certain point anyway, and he'll get upset with me for telling him how badly I think he's handling all this. I've tried encouragement though and I've offered help, which doesn't work as usual, on anybody, so I'm done with that. It's Christmas time for God's sake, but I feel the only thing I can do for both of us is lay out. Why can't he do anything better for himself and why does he just want to complain all the time?
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fcl responded:
What I'm going to say has nothing to do with your question and my intention isn't to offend. I just want to make an observation about the "leggy blonde" ... You really didn't give her a chance. OK, so she didn't call you back when she said she would but there could have been hundreds of reasons why not - she might have been under a lot of stress, she may have lost your number, she could have been in a car accident, etc. The list is endless. She's only human. Missing a single opportunity perhaps for reasons beyond your control is not playing games. If you never give anyone a second chance then you may never find anyone who is up to your standards. Or perhaps that is your way of ensuring you never find anyone?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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fcl responded:
"Why can't he do anything better for himself and why does he just want to complain all the time?"

There is actually a very simple answer to this - because he can. As long as he has someone to listen to him complaining he will continue to do so. I can only offer you the kind of advice my mother gave me when I used to whine about things. She would ask me what I had done to change the situation. If I said "nothing" she would send me away telling me to come back after having tried to solve the situation and THEN she would help me. Needless to say, I didn't whine very often

So, tell him to do something to change his situation or to stop bending your ear with it.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to fcl's response:
"Or perhaps that is your way of ensuring you never find anyone?"


Anything's possible. I left out that I did try to reestablish contact sometime after that, to give her a chance like you said, and I didn't hear back. Going over hundreds of reasons why someone didn't do something has become tiring for me, and angering. Making a clean break is my way of trying to reduce some of the anger in my life, and I learned something about myself yesterday.


For worse or for better, I can be a very functioning insomniac. Earlier this week I tried an evening dose of my medication (supposedly sedative), three Xanax, and a shot of hard liquor, and I still couldn't get to sleep. I took today off work because I've gotten less than 16 hours sleep in over 96, and I've learned where to draw the line. When I get to that point, I have trouble controlling my anger. I don't take it out on people though, as I don't want that reputation.


This isn't a problem for me all the time, but what I'm trying to say is there's only so much I can put myself through. At that point, I'd been through 12 years of rejection, and a lot of anger as a result, so dealing with whatever was up with her may've ended up in only adding fuel to the fire. Up to when I never heard back, I'd had a lot of guts knowing her the way I did, and I drew the line.


I'm not good at this, and not the best person to help this relative I wrote about, but unlike what DfromSpencer wrote, I'm not desperate.
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to fcl's response:
"So, tell him to do something to change his situation or to stop bending your ear with it."
Makes sense to me, actually beautiful in its simplicity, thank you. I'm glad to hear there's less whining in the world too.

I'm seeing him a bit this weekend, and since I'm killing this no-sleep binge I've been on over the week (not without already trying all week), I'll likely be able to impart this to him without grinding the enamel right off my teeth.
 
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fcl replied to DmndLife1984's response:
A suggestion - take your meds without the hard liquor. I find that when I take liquor in the evening (I occasionally enjoy a single malt) that it interferes with my sleeping patterns. It may also be interfering (negating?) with your meds (but I know nothing on the subject).

Hey, you may not be the best person to help your relative but you may be the only person who is trying.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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fcl replied to DmndLife1984's response:
I understand My question may be superfluous but I'll ask it anyway ... have you ever considered sophrology, meditation, or yoga to help destress or sleep?

Maybe rehearse it so that you can avoid ripping his head off with your teeth (kidding)?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to fcl's response:
To both your replies:
I don't often chase medication with liquor (Moscow Mule heavier on the vodka this past time, though I did keep a Scotch myself once for several months), and you might be right about the rare times when I do. There's really no way to tell.

I've tried meditation and yoga when I was playing music professionally, but that became such a difficult time in my life that I ended up anxious thinking about either. That's not to say I don't look for progressive muscle relaxation audio on YouTube or similar, and relax with that here and there. It's a matter of readjusting my mind over time so that I won't see either with anxiety.

A sure thing for my getting to sleep is sexual activity, at least it used to be. This doesn't mean I won't wake up soon after though, and for as long as I can remember, I'll wake up around 2 a.m. on any given night feeling intensely aroused. Probably biological, I've never bothered to look into it, but in that department I'd rather have the energy anyway than fall asleep.

I've never considered sophrology because I hadn't heard of it, couldn't even find the word in my dictionary. I've googled it though, found a lot, so now it's something to consider.

As far as rehearsing, it's something I've learned to do well, even before my last career path mentioned above, so it's hardly out of the question. I am noticing just how many anxious teeth/mouth habits I do have though, my jaw probably lopsided by now, but one thing at a time.
 
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Aqua14 replied to DmndLife1984's response:
There are also sleep psychologists who could assist you with insomnia. My son sees one, and I think she's very helpful in bringing a scientific approach to vexing insomnia. Just a thought.
 
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DmndLife1984 replied to Aqua14's response:
A welcome one, thank you.


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