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What should I do?? URGENT!
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whatsthepoint11 posted:
Almost four months ago my girlfriend of over four years and I had a really big fight. We broke up and after a few days she came to me and apologized. I wasn't sure but she assured me that she was sorry and she wanted to work it all out. We had been having trouble for almost a year already and she has caused a lot of trust issues, but we love each other. About a month and a half after we got back together I took her to another city to go on a shopping spree for her birthday. We walked around a huge mall for hours and hours and I bought her over $300 worth of clothes and accessories. We had been doing really well in our relationship and I was starting to be happier. That night when we got back she wanted to go to this Indian celebration thing that her friends family was doing. I kinda felt abandoned but it was a special day so I told her to go and have fun. The next night I found out that she actually went to this Halloween party at a club dressed up in what looked like one of those outfits you get from an adult store... I was devastated. I called her and I said it was over and I never wanted to see her again. She came over to my house and begged to be with me. She apologized harder than ever and begged for quite a while. Her ACTUAL birthday was two days from then so I told her I would give her a grace period to see if she can make up for that betrayal. The next two days were pretty good but I was severely hurt. On her birthday I did everything I could to make her happy and she was rude to me. The next day she was really rude and I called her on it. She got mad and she left me saying that she "didn't know what she wanted and her life was a mess". I said I didn't want to take a break because we had just gotten off of one only a few months before. She left me saying she couldn't be with me right now. I felt so used and unloved. After about a week I agreed to try being friends for a while and we exchanged terms. My only terms were that she didn't get drunk (we are 19), that she didn't flirt or fool around with any guys, and that she attend therapy like she agreed to almost six months ago due to anger issues she has. Since we started this she has ignored all of my terms, been very mean and hurtful, and after two months of this she still has no idea what she wants... Now she says she needs some time COMPLETELY away from me. No talking or even the once a week I get to see her. I don;t know what to do because she has already broken all of my terms and I couldn't trust her to begin with. She called me drunk one night and told me that I should be happy because guys I "wouldn't believe" (meaning really really hot) were hitting on her all the time and she wouldn't give them her number and she hasn't cheated on me. That statement crushed me because she always said that she thought I was more attractive than anyone else and now I can see that is a lie.
Here's the thing... She has done so much in these past few months that I don't know if I can even be happy anymore. Should I give her the time away she says she needs? Will that help her want to come back to me? and How can I trust that she won't be with anyone else while she is "finding herself and fixing her life"?
Someone please reply soon. I have been getting extremely depressed and I don't know hat to do.
Reply
 
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Anon_179659 responded:
I feel that you should walk away to be honest. I think if you cut off ties with her and start living your lofe to the fullest instead of letting this girl bring you down sometime down the road she will realize that she made a mistake. If she dosnt realize that she was never ment for you. I think you need to find someone that puts as much effort into you as you do them. This girl seems to be stringing you alone possibly because you forgive her whenever she makes a big mistake and you spoil her. Normally being forgiving and doing a little spoling is ideal in a man but with her she is just taking advantage of you. Run while you can. Good luck I hope it all works out for the best.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I can clearly hear your pain and your statement that she has repeatedly broken your heart and not made any real changes, despite saying she would. And, I'm so sorry you are having such problems. You ask whether you should give her another chance, but it sounds like you don't think this will change anything. Though I don't know, it sounds like you might be looking for an ok to leave. In the end, you need to find the answer within yourself, but consider these questions:

What do you want to do? What do you think would be the best thing for you to do? How will it likely end up if you stay with her? What are your possible futures without her? If you think it's best for you to move on, what keeps you from doing this? If you think it's best to stay, why are you questioning this?

In the meantime, do what you can to keep yourself from falling to far into a depression -- e.g. stay connected with other friends, do things you enjoy.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.
 
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An_248371 responded:
I understand what you are going through. The situation between you and her consumes your time and attention, nothing else seems to matter. The truth is, life is too short to be miserable. You are 19 years old and have a lot of exploring to do. My advice for you would be to walk away from her and focus on making yourself happy again. Surround yourself with good friends, hobbies that you enjoy, exercise, listen to supportive music. You are almost in your 20's. The 20's are part of the best years of your life, so take advantage of that energy because they goes by fast. I'm sure there are plenty of people around you that you know that has gone through a break-up and have moved on from it; they have put that past behind them and moved on to bigger and better things and so can you! Good luck to you and keep your head up.


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