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Boyfriend hates exwife - Is there room in his heart to love me
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An_249629 posted:
My boyfriend has been divorced for 3 years. His wife cheated on him and this has left him very bitter. My exhusband (we have only been divorced for 3 months) cheated on me but I forgave him and we have a friendly relationship. I did not want to be bitter however, my boyfriend does not seem to have that capability and while a wonderful, thoughtful man,, our relationship has stalled. In other words, we are not moving forward. There is so much bitterness in his heart, I am wondering if there is room in his heart to love me. It is so bad that he did not go to his own son's wedding because the exwife was going to be there. At the time his son and fiance lived with him. I find that extraordinary. The bitterness would outweigh his desire to share this important day with his son. Am I wasting my time since he is so bitter towards her, he cannot be truly happy until he is able to let go and let love fill his heart.
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dfromspencer responded:
I went through pretty much what your boyfriend is going through. I was cheated on by my now ex-wife. It hurts! I forgave her, but could not forget what she had done. Bitter? Yep, you bet! It has taken me a very long time to trust women again. He has to really forgive her, in his own heart, to truely love again. That may take some time?

How much time are you willing to give? It doesn't sound like you two have been together all that long? It sounds to me, like he may be the perfect candidate for therapy???

Good luck, whatever you decide!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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j5dc2 responded:
Broadly speaking, it takes a very long time to forgive a cheating partner, especially when one has been loyal and have invested so much in a relationship. It took me at least three years to be able to start another relationship after my ex cheated on me, to really be able to trust someone. My current wife and I have been married 16 years, but, it took her a lot understanding and love for me to feel comfortable in our relationship. I give her most of the credit because I was so hurt from my previous relationship that it was very hard to be happy and make someone else happy. How long are you willing to wait? How much energy are you willing to invest in this relationship? And how much pain are you willing to endure? His pain obviously affects you as well.

I see another issue here, which may or may not be relevant in your situation, but take it for what is worth. The fact that you have initiated a relationship with him only after three months of being divorced from your ex and the fact that you and your ex are friends cannot contribute positively to his mistrust and pain. I personally would not had had anything to do with someone who just three months ago was married to someone else because to me it does not say much about how she felt about her ex when they were together and who's to say that she couldn't leave me for someone else as easy as she and I started our relationship only three months after her divorce. Again, this is my personal take based on my personal experience and it might not be an issue at all in your case.
Good luck!
 
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Dogtrainer replied to j5dc2's response:
Thank you J5DC2. Perhaps I should have elaborated more on my situation than I did. Afterall, this was about him and not me. While divorced for only a short period of time, in my state, you must be legally seperated for one year before filing for divorce. My 30 year marriage has been over for 5 years now. He is aware of my situation...forgave exhusband through a cocaine addiction that nearly bankrupted us but could not forgive infidelity. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. He (my boyfriend) is aware of how for seven years I tried to make my marriage work. It is not like he left 3 months ago and I started dating again....and yes, he left me and then tried to come back. I suppose he assumed that since he left five years ago over a cocain addiction and I let him come back, I would this time as well. We have been apart for more than one year and a half. My exhusband also has someone else but we have been able to maintain a friendly relationship and I don't understand why he (my boyfriend) cannot with his ex.
 
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dfromspencer replied to Dogtrainer's response:
Hiya, Dogtrainer

You must realise that, for most men, the commitment to marriage is a huge deal? It is for both sexes, but really, extremely so for men! Once we have commited to mariage, it takes something very huge to alter that commitment. He, (your new boyfriend) is deeply hurt, and like most men, cannot easily let go. He mentally invested in his future with her, and she hurt him to the core. Be patient, or be willing to move on. Realise also, that if you do decide to move on, it may hurt him even more? He is totally vulnerable right now. Not an enviable possition to be in, let me tell you! Give him time, if you can. Who knows, this could very well be, "The One" for you???

Wishing you the best!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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gdb2375 responded:
About 15 months ago I was in your same position. I was newly divorced from my husband of 12 years (neither of us cheated — we just fell out of love several years before and I decided to end it because we were living more like roommates). Soon after my divorce, I reconnected with an old schoolmate I had met first met 25 years ago (via Facebook). He had been separated/divorced for more than a year. The difference in our marriages is that she cheated on him and they had two young kids together. He'd be the first to admit that her infidelity killed his trust in women almost instantly. Someone on here said that men invest in their family commitments and I believe that is true. And only time and love can heal wounds. Anyways, I really liked this guy so I decided it was worth sticking with it. I won't say I didn't endure some minimal heartache myself early on. He kept me at a distance early on and even cancelled dates on me because he was "sick". I'm guessing the illness was mild depression stemming from his broken heart. For the first five months of our relationship, I only saw him once every two weeks (but we spoke/texted multiple times per day) because he wanted to wait to introduce me to the kids and he has joint custody of them and gets them every other weekend. Also, we didn't see each other more often because we live almost an hour one way from each other. Once I met the kids, I saw him once a week. Next he slowly introduced me to his family over the holidays. And after he could see I was really going to be there for him and that I wasn't like what he had experienced in the past, at 6 mos. he finally told me he loved me for the first time and we made our commitment to each other at that time. I let him make all these important relationship decisions on his own because I knew he needed to do so in order to move on from the hurt he endured with his ex-wife. They always remained friends — they had to for the sake of the kids. But his trust of women in general was destroyed. Now, more than 18 months into our relationship, we get along so well, never having had an argument. We treat each other with respect and openly show each other the love we both missed out on in our first marriages. He gets along with her because it's the right thing to do but his love and heartache for her is gone. And although I don't dislike my ex, I respect my new boyfriend and my exs new girlfriend enough not to continue to keep in touch with him. My boyfriend's love is for me and I believe that 100%. I know it sometimes bothers him when the kids mention something that happened back when their family wasn't broken up. But that's kids in general — they remember what they understand were the good times and he doesn't scold them for remembering the fun times they shared as a family. His ex —wife remarried someone else shortly after their divorce was final (not the man she cheated with). She seems happy and the guy she's married to is like me in that he respects that the exs still have business to take care of and that they must get along for the sake of the kids. One more thing unique — I've met his ex and I actually like her despite the fact that she has hurt someone I love. We made the effort to get to know each other. She has told me that she's glad that I am there for her children when she can't be. This is because once I met and got to know the kids, I realized I was in a relationship with my boyfriend AND his kids. I respect that I am not their mother BUT I love them like I am. And finally, another funny thing"026 I am now connected to the ex-wife on Facebook too! How am I sure my boyfriend has moved on with me and let go of the bitter feelings towards his ex?"026 he tells me every day that he loves me and he's perfectly comfortable with the bond I've established with his ex-wife!! Good luck!! It will take some patience on your part but if you show him the love he needs, he'll probably stop being bitter and return the love to you
 
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JaydensMiMi responded:
After reading your concerns, and considering I went through the same thing he did in my opinion I think both of you are dealing with "rebound" problems. Although you had the where with all to move forward he didn't. And it just may be too soon for him to be receptive to any woman. So I wouldn't take it personally. But I would try to get him to talk to you. Apparently he hasn't "unloaded" his anger and frustrations and it's eating him up inside.

By any means do not force the issue, and if you can stick it out he will most likely come around.It's just the waiting that can destroy what might be. Sharing oneself is a very sensitive thing and everyone reacts differently. I wish you the best.
 
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An_249968 responded:
As an ex-wife who cheated, let me say that he may also be feeling guilt as to what caused the cheating. I am not saying that what I did was right by any stretch, (I'm trying to forgive myself) but my ex-husband realized that he played a part in what happened by not being there emotionally, or physically for years. When we attempted counceling prior to my affair he didn't even show up feor the sessions. His guilt coupled with the mis-trust, hurt, and anger is eating him alive.

If I may suggest be patient and loving. If you truly love your boyfriend, he needs time, understanding and support to forgive himself and his ex and be able to move forward...I wish you the best, and I know, from experience, that you have the prize, while all the ex has is lonely memories.
 
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mmbsprout replied to gdb2375's response:
Good for you!! I pray for a wonderful woman like to to help my ex heal from the pain I caused, and to love my son too!!
 
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DolphinBaby1369 replied to An_249968's response:
I agree with all you sad especially that you have the prize all the ex has is lonely memories !
 
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gdb2375 replied to mmbsprout's response:
Thank you!! I appreciate your kind words. He will find someone. My boyfriend dated after his marriage and before we started dating. And they were rebounds for sure. There's a right person out there for everyone. If he's looking for real love and not something else, he'll find someone who will care for your son as well. I used to say I didn't like kids and I never had any myself but now that I've had my boyfriend's kids in my life, I can't imagine life without them in it!!


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