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paranoid..
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An_249635 posted:
I'm not really sure on how to handle this, or how to even get everything that is going on posted on here and make sense. Basically my fiance and I have been together for a year ( I'm 28, no kids, and he's 26, with 2 kids) and have recently gotten pregnant. Yay! But aside from that, he had said he was going to work on his jeolosy issues, and nothing seems to be getting better. Granted I work basically with all men, and things said to me are not always appropriate, but I always handle the situation appropriately and would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I always tell him about everything that is said to me and my response, but alot of the time my response isn't the "right" one or mean enough.

I have dealt with seeing his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend every week so he can get his kids for visitation (which they are both completely unstable) and have never done anything, nor lied to him about anything to make him feel that I would, it doesn't explain for the way he acts. We'll have these giant fights to where hes moving out and then all of a sudden hes "sorry for treating me this way and things will be better". I thought it was me so I went to counseling and got on anti-depressants for my depression, however I can see it's not. I don't know what to do, I love him with all of my heart and want to buy a house, get married, and have his child, but he acts like I put him down all the time, help everyone else more than I do him, or that I'm going to leave him for someone else.

Honestly it's just gotten tiresome to constantly explain to him that I'm not going anywhere and that I'm sorry for whatever some other girl did to him to make him this way.. but it's not me! When we talk and I tell him these things he'll get mad for a while and we'll fight, but eventually it's him crying telling me he's sorry. I am NOT leaving him, that is not an option, I just want things to get better, what should to do?!
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fcl responded:
The only person you can change is you. You can't change the way he is. Has he ever been to counselling? Personally, I couldn't live with someone who fought with me all the time - I don't consider that to be healthy and I don't care what the reasons for the fights are. Try to imagine yourself in another ten years time - could you face ten years of this kind of treatment? Could you bear to raise a child in that kind of atmosphere? Think long and hard. Have you considered a temporary separation? You're pregnant and really don't need the extra stress of an insecure, jealous man. Have you told that his behaviour is driving you away?

Just a few thoughts ...

Also, please stop telling him about your daily exchanges, he doesn't need to know about it in detail to that degree and it's only adding fuel to the fire.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
Couples often find it helpful to discuss issues at calm times- when they are not in the heat of the moment. So, you might want to revisit his distress and apologies at times when the two of you can talk it through with clear heads.
Another thought: You have put a lot of energy into trying to fix this situation; but it sounds more than you can do alone. So, I suggest that the two of you try couple therapy -- a little outside help (before things get any worse) just might help improve your relationship.


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