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no sex ?
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An_249763 posted:
my girlfriend hasnt had sex with me for 3 and half years, she blames it on stress because of family. should i continue to wait for her,or go on with my life. i love her very much.but she says she loves me and doesnt want me to leave or see other women. the family thing is not getting better. im torn by what to do. im 64 and am lonely, we do not live toghether, but close. what should i do ?
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fcl responded:
If she loves you and doesn't want you to leave her then she will make the effort to have sex with you occasionally.

What exactly is it about the family that is putting so much stress on her?

OK, my first suggestion is to try planning sex. No, it doesn't souind exciting but the anticipation can be wonderful Make a date night, go out for dinner, see a movie, go out for a nice along walk, have a nice meal at home, rent a movie, whatever suits your (and her) tastes and budget (gosh, go away for the weekend if you're living with the stressful family) but make sure that it's clear that sex will be part of the evening. Make it romantic (perhaps she misses the romance?). Don't make it optional. Dates are what happy couple do. Sex is what happy couples do.

Second suggestion - counselling. She obviously isn't seeing how important this is to you. Counselling could help you find common ground on this and ways to deal with the underlying causes (because things are seldom JUST about sex ...).

Third suggestion - leave. It's not fair to expect you to be there for her all the time if she isn't making an effort to meet you halfway.

Good luck
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
This leaves me questioning what's really going on -- so many things can get in the way of sex for people. For instance, it could be chronic stress, depression, problems in your relationship, or issues related to sex. When people have this kinds of problem, they first have to really assess what's going on -- it's not always as clear as it seems at first. This means really talking in depth about it; and then coming up with a plan to address the problem. When no progress is made, couples can't talk freely about the problem, tension or anger remains high, or they are just confused about the problem, then it's wise for them to seek couple therapy.

Maybe you are willing to just wait a bit longer; or not. How long you're willing to wait is a personal issue. However, if waiting alone seems not be be getting you any closer to what you want, you might want to consider the actions I've listed above.
 
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manbear48 replied to fcl's response:
thank you for respsonding ! no she doesnt miss the romance, but I do ! she has a son 24 who is still living at home, and not working, she also has a son 39 that has health issues and she is hoping that both will get on with their life. and until they do, she says she cannot have a relationship, because she is stressed out. i believe she is deppressed. i dont see the boys leaving anytime soon, if ever. we had a great happiness before when they were still at home. i told her that, and she became angry. she refuses to council. she thinks its all me, and all i think of is sex ! i always made LOVE to her NOT sex. she believes sex is just sex, nothing to do with love. im starting to get depressed, but i really love her !
 
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fcl replied to manbear48's response:
I feel for you, I really do!

Can you find a quiet moment to talk to her (I would choose a public place like a restaurant to reduce the risk of he stomping out) and bring up your concerns starting with her sons. They're not going to leave and get on with their lives unless that's what she really wants and does something to motivate them to do so (like giving them a month to find their own place). She should not be stressing out about adults... (unless, of course, they are incapable of taking care of themselves). She has done her job as a mother and it's time to let them go.

She is using her sons as an excuse to avoid intimacy. Why? What is she afraid of? She says she cannot have a relationship but that is exactly what she is doing ... You've been together for 3 1/2 years for goodness sake ... If you're not in a relationship then what, in her opinion, are you doing together? Is this her way of telling you she wants you to leave?

Then you need to address the depression part. As you are feeling that way too, why not suggest you see the doctor for screening together?

Finally, if she won't go to counselling then please go by yourself. It will help you sort through your feelings and fix your priorities.

Is it just sex she refuses or all types of intimacy? Is it remotely possible that she's using all of this to cover up the fact that sex might be painful for her ...? I ask this seriously because vaginal dryness and vaginal atrophy are not uncommon for older women.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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manbear48 replied to fcl's response:
THANK YOU ! she will not give them an ultimatum to leave. they will have to leave when THEY feel like it. no she doesnt want me to leave either,she wants me to be patient with her . she never has been an intimit person , no huggy kissy kind of things. she says she has never been that way. i can hug her, kiss her, but she never has done that to me, and she doesnt pull away when i do that. she dosnt have vaginal dryness and its not painful. she just doesnt want sex untill the boys are gone or until she is no longer stressed. we get along real well ,except for the sex part. i may be old, but im not dead, and i still have desires. ! she says her libido is fine and normal,she just dont want to do it at this time
 
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fcl replied to manbear48's response:
OK, so nothing is ever going to change because they're not going to leave. I really don't get why she can't have sex because they are there - that sounds like an excuse to me... Does she think that don't know that she has sex?

Her libido is not fine and normal if she hasn't felt the need for sex in over 3 1/2 years. Her libido is GONE. How old is she, by the way?

So where does that leave you? Why wouild you want to wait if nothing is going to change? Why would you waste any more time in such an unsatisfactory situation? Why can't you two just be good friends and get on with your respective lives so that you can find someone else?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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rohvannyn replied to fcl's response:
I wish you the best, Manbear. I've actually been on both ends of this situation. It's not fun being the frigid one or being the one who's frozen out. From what llittle I read here, it looks like your girlfriend is having a lot of trouble facing reality. She's either making excuses or completely unaware of the true situation. Or maybe she doesn't care.... though I doubt that. I'm not sure how a person can be made to face reality though. If you could just go to being close friends, and you could date someone else, that would probably help, but is that possible?

Her being so unwilling to discuss this constructively is only going to build resentment. You are being very patient. Perhaps too patient? Still, confrontation with someone you care about can be difficult. Is there a way you can talk to her and explain how important this to you? Or possibly, have her put herself in your shoes and ask her what she would do if she were you?

For a while I was the one who really didn't feel close and didn't want physical intimacy of any kind, yet I wanted to keep my relationship going. Part of my solution came from managing my stress. Part of it came from better nutrition. Part of it came from being honest about my own needs. And part of it came from honestly reassessing what was important about my relationship and why I wanted to keep it. I changed because my relationship was more valuable to me than holding on to my own habits. I hope this perspective helps in some way.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Lefty2121 responded:
OMG leave already or ask for a open relationship! Just because she is going through these issues you should not suffer due to these how selfish is she?!!
 
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dfromspencer replied to manbear48's response:
Hi, Manbear

I feel sorry for you! You should not have to suffer, just because she don't want to have sex. I think you should do as Rohvannyn suggested? Ask her to put herself in your shoes, and what would she do to better this situation? This question puts the burden on her shoulders, but what are you going to do otherwise? Stay? Stay faithful to someone who may never have sex with you again? I don't think you should! If i were you, i would tell her that, we will remain friends if you like, but i am moving on. Tell her that you need that physical intimacy, and you are not getting that from her, so on you go.

Again, i am sorry for what you are going thru, and i hope the situation works itself out! Good luck to you!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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manbear48 replied to rohvannyn's response:
THANK EVERBODY for their help and concern, ALOT of good information has been given. i think my decision is to go on with my life and just stay friends with her. maybe she will change her mind later. AGAIN THANK YOU !!!
 
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dfromspencer replied to manbear48's response:
Good luck to you, Sir. I hope all goes well in your life!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to manbear48's response:
I'm really glad that you've found our community here helpful. Good luck to you.
 
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Lefty2121 replied to manbear48's response:
Best Wishes to you!! Please keep us inform on how you are doing, we care and want only the best for you!!

Good luck,

Rita aka Lefty...
 
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manbear48 replied to Lefty2121's response:
will keep all that answered informed and THANK YOU ALL !!! please keep up the good work helping others. maybe soon I can post to help others ! this site has been VERY helpful !


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