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Boyfriend wants to "fool around."
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An_249772 posted:
I have known my boyfriend since I was a freshman in high school, he was a senior and a very good friend of my older brother. I wasn't very close to him then, hardly spoke to him through the years after he graduated. Heard from mutual friends what he had been up to, moving to be with the girlfriend he'd met on WoW, marrying her, her having cheated on him, then leaving him, and he joined the air force. There was about a six year span between the time we had actually seen each other until the night one of our best friends was killed in Afghanistan. We all went over to our late friend's parent's home and offered our support. That's where my boyfriend and I reconnected, oddly enough.

Throughout the events of our friend's funeral planning we came into contact more and more, and as he has told me since, he started to see me less as his friend's little sister and more of a person he could see himself with forever. Roughly two weeks after our friend's passing, his older sister got married, I had been busy with family during the day, but ended up going to the reception that night. I walked into it with the intention of spending the evening with a few girl-friends, but the second I entered the room, my boyfriend stood up and waved me over with a huge smile on his face. He had apparently been set up with one of the bride's friends, but wanted to spend the party with me. He was a little drunk, so I didn't think much of his advances, he had put his arm around me and had not let go the whole night. Eventually he asked me for a ride, since he didn't want to drive having had as much to drink as he did. We ended up driving around the whole night and talking, it was amazing. I have never been more comfortable with anyone, and honestly think I fell for him that very night.

We ended up spending every day together after that, he moved out of the house he shared with roommates just to be closer, and even called my brother to ask his blessing for us to officially date. He was gentle, he was kind, he was absolutely wonderful. But, being in the military, his leave was ending soon and he had to move a state away to Vegas and spend a year there for training. After only a month of dating, he asked me to go with him. After only a month of dating, he also told me he loved me, and that after his ex-wife he had wanted to be single for a while, fool around with a bunch of girls and experience freedom, but that I had changed all of that for him. I felt the same way about him, and agreed to go with him, knowing my family (other than my brother) would disapprove, and that going meant there was no turning back.

Flash forward to Vegas and slowly my boyfriend became more angry, he started lying to me about emailing people on craigslist, and telling me it was my fault for "snooping." The emails were to transvestites, and were anything but platonic. He told me after I pushed him that he was curious and only wanted to see one, but slowly this turned into wanting to fool around with one, and men too, and now he wants me to participate in a threesome with another girl. I am not okay with this at all, sexual contact is personal to me, intimate, but he sees it as just play. "They are like sex toys," he says. Now, after having told me he loved me, wanted to marry me, have children with me, and grow old with me, he is saying that because he is in the military and could get deployed and killed at any time, a life HE chose, he thinks he should get to "do everything he wants" beforehand. Which apparently means do everyone he wants before that happens. He claims that if we got engaged all of this would stop.

He has said that I can either basically allow him to cheat, which is how I see it, or leave him. I feel betrayed, I have fallen in love with someone and now I don't know what to do.

Do I allow myself to be unhappy so he can get what he wants, or do I try to move on?
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rhondamay responded:

If you are uncomfortable with his ultimatum move on.

You are fortunate to discover his proclivities before you are married. It won't be easy but you will get over it and you will find someone that has the same values of intimacy that you do.

He has betrayed your perception of him. Don't betray yourself by going along with something that is contrary to your values. Your integrity and self respect is at stake.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
This is a decision you need to make, but it sounds like, as painful as it is, the answer in your heart is to move on. Trust in your values, your feelings (even the painful ones that might mean that you care, but not necessarily need to stay with him), and your judgment. Ask yourself what you think your life will look like in 5 or 10 years if you stay and if you leave- what do you want?
 
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dfromspencer responded:
I'm with the others on this one! You need to do what will eventually make you completely happy. Is staying with him, and being put through this type of behavior good for you? And like the Doctor says, how would you feel about this 5 or 10 years down the road? Your first priority is to yourself, what will make you happy? It doesn't sound like this is the type of guy you thought he was? He put on an act, and that is what you fell in love with, an act. Not him.

I think you already know your answer?

Best of luck to you!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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iceechic responded:
I'm with the others as well, do not do anything you dont want. Do not lower your standards, morals, or values. Best of luck to you!!


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