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An_249828 posted:
I have spoken on here before about my struggles dating a touring musician. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me but I hate that he plays in this band if I'm being brutally honest. His old band was a jazz band that I respected, now he is in a more popular less complex girl band as I like to call it. Their fans are primarily young girls. They of course do all the social networks and there are girls CONSTANTLY shouting out at them. It affects the other band members ego's obviously in a good way but my boyfriend doesn't seem to care. However the issue is that I care! I find it SO irritating and when I reach deep down I feel the root is that I don't want him finding happiness in their words I don't want him feeling "cool" because he has a bunch of hot drunk women hollering at him from the crowd. What can I do? How can I extinguish the fire of this rage and leave him alone and be happy for him. I have been focusing on making myself better but it isn't helping. I hate being so jealous. Please help.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
You say that you are "focusing on making myself better" -- what are you doing? (As I remember, you were going to work on developing your own interests separate from him)

Also, I don't remember; have you talked with him about this struggle? Is there anything that he does or can do to make this easier on you?
laylalilly replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I have been taking some classes at the gym and reading. We just talked a few nights ago and I told him about everything. He told me some things he'd like me to be aware of too. It went really well and we both decided to be more understanding and to try this whole musician's girlfriend thing again. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I think I just needed to talk but I was so scared to push him away when he saw how much resentment I had been stowing away. Thank you for all your good advice. It's been great having another perspective.
dfromspencer replied to laylalilly's response:
Hi again, LaylaLilly

I sincerely hope you found a way to handle your jealousy? You sound so much better in your last post here. Please don't stop enjoying those things that give you joy outside of the relationship! You still have to be your own woman.

Remember this, communication is the key to a happy relationship!!! I firmly believe this, now! My ex and i rarely talked about things that bothered us, and now she is an ex, instead of us together like it should be.

I am so glad you talked to him, and i hope it helped!!!

Best of luck to you!!!

Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to laylalilly's response:
I hope that you are enjoying these new activities. Many people find it helpful to find people they can relate with around their interests. The social connection and support makes life more enjoyable. For instance, you might want to join a book club (many people do this for the social aspect and don't necessarily even finish reading the books that they discuss). Or, you might become involved in something else that involves more social interactions. Volunteering - especially in person- is one avenue that many people find helpful. You could even start by reading some of the posts in this community and answering at least one; it might help you feel better to be helpful to others. -- but all of this does take some time, so you have to be patient.

It also sounds like talking openly with your boyfriend really helped. You are likely to find that continuing this open communication has a better chance of keeping your relationship on track longer. This way you are likely to be talking through concerns and getting reassurance rather than letting things build to resentment.

If your rage and jealousy don't subside, you might want to consider seeing a therapist to better understand and work through your feelings.

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