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My fiance lost his libido
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lissmeanstrouble posted:
I need help ladies and gentlemens.
My man is 34 and I am 24. When I first met him I literally would have to tell him that I needed a break because I was too sore that day and maybe the next day, he would want to have sex 3 or 4 times a day if i let him have it that much.
Now, we have had sex about 3 times in the past 4 months. And it was far from satisfactory, it was like he felt that he had to, and didnt try to keep it going, came quickly and fell asleep.
I am extremely unhappy. I have tried to be understanding and patient, but I finally felt that something must be wrong so I asked him about it a month ago what his deal is, and he says oh I dont have as much of a sex drive in the winter. Then a week later were driving down the freeway and he makes a comment to me, "I dont know whats wrong with me, maybe I have low T." Theres no reason for him to have low T... hes just seen those commercials about androgel. I work in an endocrine clinic, I think his T level is just fine. Then I finally got upset with him over it a few days ago. I dont expect him to jump in the sack with me RIGHT after a fight, but ummm its called MAKEUP SEX, and I heard its the BEST KIND, and I still havent gotten any! He says hes tired, hes sleepy, he worked too hard. Oh but he has plenty of energy to get up at 4:30 in the morning and freeze his butt off to go Ice Fishing?!
I dont know if I even believe him that he doesnt know whats wrong. I just know that I am so sexually deprived at this point, I can not sleep, I feel uptight and angry, and pleasing myself is not enough I crave his touch, I want him to touch me all over.
I have been in bad relationships in the past, and I know my fiance is a good man, he works hard, pays his bills, takes care of himself, is responsible, says he loves me, my dad loves him, etc.
My ex-boyfriend and I were best friends before we were together, and we got together and for some reason he started using heroin so we broke up. He went to prison, and he just got out a few months ago. I have not seen him for two years, and obviously he is a loser, but he texts me all the time, and I keep in touch cause I told him I would always be there for him as long as he stayed clean from heroin.
He is the last person I should open up to about the problems I am having with my fiance, and I am ashamed I can not get him to have sex with me so I didnt really tell my ex how long its been but he tried to convince me I should go out with him and get drunk and sleep with him and we would keep it our little secret. He cheated on me and I know how bad it hurt, I would not want to do that to my fiance, but I have never felt like this before, so sexually deprived.
When I was single and I felt this way I would go to the bar and have a one night stand, and feel all better. But now I have a fiance, and I have asked him to have sex with me, and still no luck. Ive even tried parading around in lingerie after a shower etc, he just lays on the couch.

I have never ever been so tempted in my life to cheat on some one before! I feel so bad and so quilty that I cant stop thinking about my exes offer. I think its just because my fiance will not have sex with me, but I worry that maybe hes not the one... I feel like telling my fiance if he wont have sex with me I know some one who would be happy to, right away, ya know?But, I have seen such conversations on the Jerry Springer show and dont anticipate that to go very well though. ha ha...

Im not a bad girl, I dont WANT to cheat, Im just saying I feel bad because I cant stop thinking about it.
How can I get my fiance to break this dry spell we're having??!!
Reply
 
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lissmeanstrouble responded:
I just want to add that his behavior has made me really question whether we should even be planning this wedding, I am thinking of calling the whole thing off. I am so scared, confused, sad, mad, unhappy, anxious over this, please give me advice
I really thought I was in real love this time.
 
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dfromspencer replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Hi, Liss

If you sound like this, then you are in love! It really hurts me to hear things like this, as it happened to me in my mid twenties! I am a male, by the way. I completely lost my sex drive, couldn't even become erect, and if i did, it wouldn't last through intercourse. I was so ashamed! I was so embarrassed! I felt less than a man! Your fiance probably feels the same way? You HAVE to get him to talk to you about this!!! Tell him that you will support him, if he see's a doctor! Something is wrong! Something has robbed him of his libido! You have to make him go to the doctors for some blood tests. His family physician should be able to tell him if he does have low-T, or something more sinister? Even if he has to see an Urologist, make him go! I am so glad i did!!! My doctor prescribed Vardenafil, or Levitra, if you will? It works amazingly well for me!!! Now, there are times i get so horny, even the crack of dawn looks good to me!!!

Make him see his doctor! You may never regret it?
And remember this, communication is the key to a happy relationship!!!

Best of luck to you!!! Please keep us informed???

Dennis

P.S. I am now 54, and loving my Levitra!!!!
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Could he have seasonal affective disorder? Some people get really bad depression during the winter and that doesn't just involve being sad. It can also massively affect the libido. Please don't become confrontational about this. If he cares about you at all, he probably feels terrible already. Seeing a doctor is a great idea. Who knows? It could be as simple a solution as needing a couple more lamps in the house, or resolving a mental issue, or a hormonal balance. It's good that you are looking for solutions rather than straying.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
I have to agree with the other responses. You seem to really care about him. If you do marry, there will be some tough times, so you might want to think about this as a practice run. Again, keep talking with him about this, but do so in as positive and supportive way as you can. And strongly encourage him to see a doctor.

By the way, this doesn't make you any less of a good person. It's just that his problem is affecting you, too. Recognizing and talking about it is important. Solid relationships stay solid when partners can recognize and balance their experiences and needs (e.g. your sexual desire and frustrations), their partner's experiences and needs (e.g. his problem and emotions about the problem), and the relationship (e.g. the problem with the sexual aspect of your relationship). So, I encourage you to keep working on the problem by letting him know that you love him, are concerned about him, and want to (need to) work on this.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I should add that it is often helpful to share how he is affecting you -- your fear, confusion, sadness. But it would be important to do so carefully because he is likely to be sensitive and defensive (as he might be embarrassed about his problem and feel badly about himself)
 
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lissmeanstrouble responded:
Thanks for all the support, you have all really made me feel better as far as guilt. I do love him so much I came home yesterday after work and told him I was really unhappy, and I had to keep a serious face and tell him exactly how I feel and he finally came and hugged me and held me and told me he is sorry, and he will make it up to me, and he is very attracted to me, and he never meant to let me get so upset, that he loves me and doesnt want me to feel like he doesnt and he is going to try to show me and make things better.
He is really sick his voice is going out and he has a cough and cant breathe he just went to work that morning and came home sick, so I had to let him rest, but I hope he feels better soon so he can make it up to me!
 
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fcl replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
He needs to see a doctor and have a full check up and that includes being screened for depression and having his testosterone checked. It is perfectly possible that he might have this and only checking his levels (preferably with saliva tests) will tell. You cannot tell by just looking at him. Rule out the possible physical causes and then start to worry about others. Above all, keep away from your ex and put all thoughts of cheating out of your head. Cheating will solve nothing.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to fcl's response:
In my office we do the testing with blood samples, and I administer testosterone shots to dozens of men every week, they have to come visit me every 2 weeks, and I have been doing this for five years, I didnt mean I can tell just by looking at him, and no Im not a doctor, but I have alot of experience with men who DO have low testosterone, and he does not have any of the other tell-tale symptoms.
I dont think cheating will solve anything I just meant that its getting to me so bad that I have thought about it, just to get out my sexual frustration.
He does not get health insurance through his job, and I have to be married to him before he can be added to my insurance, so hopefully its just a psychological thing because if he has ED or something it will have to wait til after the honeymoon, and I would rather not have to wait to have my sex machine back. But what can I do, Ive talked to him, and I really love him, and I feel much better now that I think he really sees how hurt I am.
Like I said he has a really bad chest cold right now, but when he gets better, promises have been made to me!
 
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fcl replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Remember that you don't need insurance to see a doc ... you can pay out of pocket too.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
This is a wonderful step! I hope you keep the conversation and momentum going. While he's calming your concerns by letting you know he cares, it still might be hard for him to face that he has a problem- so he might need your continued support and help.
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
I really hate to be so revealing about our sex life, because I am a bit ashamed I do not have what it takes to keep him interested. At least thats how I am feeling.
This weekend... was not that great. Friday he had to work, I honestly dont remember what I did that night cause I was feeling sick.... Saturday he had to work too. Still no sex... Saturday night he went to bed early "Im exhausted"
Well I feel pretty tired just about all day everyday cause I have depression and insomnia, not a great mix. Saturday night I just couldnt sleep, I even tried drugging myself with nyquil and instead I was just stumbling around the house like a drunk. I have an Ambien prescription, and its not working anymore.
I was a bit intoxicated I guess, so I crawled into bed and woke my fiance. He finally gave me what I have been asking for, BUT all of a sudden he decided he was done, and this happened the last time we had sex too (like a freakin month ago), he kept it going until he figured I had come, and then he stopped with out himself actually coming too.
Every other man I have had sex with has been... really adament about making sure they had their load blown. Unless they were drunker then hell and had whiskey dick (excuse my crude wording.) "Im gonna have blue balls, let me finish!"

It sends out a huge red flag for me that he really doesnt seem to have any kind of sexual interest at all.
He didnt have any difficulty getting hard, so I dont believe its ED. I am starting to think he might be a skilled cheater who pretends hes going ice fishing when hes really double dipping some one elses cookie jar!!!!!
I havent been feeling well (probably cause I caught whatever he had last week), but his satisfaction is still a concern, but he treats me like Im yucky. I didnt treat him like he was yucky, I still wanted to touch him and hold him. I am seriously just so pissed off at this point, I want to kick him out. Its really hurting me im trying to be tough about it, cause Im tired of getting my heart broken but what can I do? Hes making me seriously unhappy with his lack of interest.
I am feeling sexually satisfied, but now Im just sad, and getting depressed and feeling like I wanna burst into tears cause my relationship sucks and I dont know why ;(
He doesnt have to go into work today until midnight, and he was telling me how tired he was that he was going to nap, and I came home at lunch unannounced and he was getting his ice fishing gear ready. "im sorry hunny I will not go" I dont care if he goes, I just wonder why he tells me one thing and does another!
I dont know why ice fishing and hunting are so much more important then me.
He told me his ex-wife divorced him cause he hunted too much. Either he needs to get a clue or we werent meant to be, I dont know I am so confused, its hard for me to believe that he is really that into hunting and fishing that hed rather go out and freeze then cuddle with me. I feel very neglected, and its not getting better. He took me to a movie this weekend, and it just felt like it was a hassle for him! I did not really enjoy myself cause I felt as if I had burdened him with the task of taking me on a freakin date.
I have depression/anxiety disorder, he hurries me so much, I think he causes me to have anxiety.We were an hour and a half early to the movie even after dinner, I told him it wouldnt hurt to listen to me for once...

I have tried my best to get interested or involved in hunting, but I have my own interests, and he doesnt seem to reciprocate the same for me, my interests are obviously boring to him. At least I try to be interested in hunting, but Im to the point where if he wont do things I want to do, then no I wont go hunting! Its not fair.
He didnt even wait for me to wake up yesterday to go to the superbowl party, I just stayed home by myself... he is seriously hurting me and acts confused when I have a frown on my face, I feel like its pointless to even keep bringing up, like hes listening, but doesnt really care!!!!
 
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love2lol2 replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Sounds to me after all you said and all you've done, that he has either lost his libido or maybe really IS having an affair? I would insist he see a Dr. and if he refused I would consider cutting your losses. There are clinics he could go to that are low cost. You know, I wouldn't be too angry with him. We all get our heart broken at one time or another but that doesn't mean you have to feel it's all your fault. People change just as time changes, move on with your head up high and know that you shouldn't have to work this hard to be happy. There is someone out there that will treat you like you are the light of his life and/or the queen of his castle. He obviously isn't 'the one'. Don't be hurt, he's not the only guy out there and moving on is a pain but you will feel better for it. Find someone who will need you because he loves you not love you because he needs you. Good luck and let us know how you are doing?
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
When relationship issues like this come up, people often find it most helpful to stay focused on the problem, trying to work it out.(Trying to work it out in their own heads often sends them in circles.) If he cannot or will not work on this with you, then you need to consider seriously whether you want to be with him.


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