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Seven years, he's afraid to commit and left me... Now what?!?! How do I move on?
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Broken1015 posted:
I have no idea where to start. I feel like my whole world just unraveled. I've been in a relationship with a man for seven years, we've had our ups and downs, even a few breakups for never more than two days. We've just always been drawn together. He has Admitted a fear of commitment. So I was very well aware of this in the beginning. In spite of this, he has always been very loving, giving, and thoughtful towards me. I began noticing a change when we agreed that we wanted to move in together. He would back away, stating that he didn't know if he loved me, I cried, and a few days later, he wanted to "stop this and get back together", because he decided that he must love me if he missed me that much. He even said that he felt sick without me. Then, it started happening more often. And each time, he threw out more insults. I was dumbfounded. How could a man who loved me, do this? He blamed me for everything.... Our fights (NEVER bad ones, but in his head, they were HUGE!), he felt trapped, he didn't know if he loved me (again) because I "forced" him into our relationship.... At one point, there was an issue on his part with pornography, which I was very understanding about and I even helped him get through that. He admitted that wasn't what he wanted to be... So, once again, I was there. However, during his NEXT freak out, he told me that was my fault too. Thennnnn, it was my kids. My daughter is grown, but he had himself convinced that my son would resent him. You'd have to know my son to understand, but he is the most easy going kid on earth.... He would never resent him, the thought of that is ridiculous. After that, he decided that he hated the town I lived in, he's only 20 minutes from me! He said that he felt like I was forcing him to move here. Granted, I don't want to uproot my son, who's been in the schools and sports here, his whole life. But the subject was not closed to discussion. I told him that I never wanted him to feel like he didn't have a say in our lives.... After that, he decided that he didn't want to leave his house and garage...(it's a rental home!!!!!) By now, I'm wondering if he'd do ANYTHING to contribute to our relationship! Another change up.... Everything was wonderful for the past six months. Beyond wonderful. He told me that he was ready to move forward with me, that I was his best friend and that he was grateful that I never gave up. He told me how much he loved me and how I'd changed his life for the better. He even added me as a beneficiary to his life insurance. He said that if anything ever happened, he wanted to make sure that my son and I were taken care of. Christmas was almost magical. I was most impressed by the card he bought for me. He told me that he got choked up in the store when he read it... Said that he knows he's not great with words, but if he was, it would be exactly what he would say. He signed it "you are my baby and I'll love you forever". I told him how much that meant to me and cried more happy tears than I ever have. And then the bottom just dropped out. He said more hurtful things to me, three weeks after he'd professed his undying love for me than I've ever heard. He told me that he wasn't in love anymore, that he stayed with me out of pity, because he didn't like to see me upset. That he didn't want to give up his life and that he is positive that he would be unhappy with me. He told me that he wanted a change in his life, that he wanted to move forward, just not with me. He hoped that someday we could be "friends" again, because he knows that if anything ever happened, I'd be the first person he turned to. After that, he told me how much he respected me and then, in the very next breath, to get over him and to make this the last time I called him. My mind is reeling, I barely even know my own name at this point. I feel like the past seven years was nothing but a lie. Yet, at the end of the day, I'm still in love and I miss him terribly. HELP!!!
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displaced83 responded:
It sounds like he builds you up so he can break you down. It's almost maybe a high for him? I know you care about him but it seems as if he is taking advantage of the fact that you always forgive him and are always there for him. You need to show him that you can be happy without him and that you don't need him in your life. That is the only way to break this cycle. It's very unhealthy and I imagine it must be taking a toll on you. You deserve someone who knows that they want you, who knows that they love you, and who knows they want to build a life with you. Not some immature jerk! If he can't commit to you, forget about him! I know it's easy for me to say, but I have been there before. Just know that it will get easier.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
In situations like this, it can help to think about what you want in a partner and in a relationship. Then, rather than focusing on the good times, it can help to think about the ways that he has pulled you down and been anything but what you would want in a partner. As much as you might pine for the good times, they were always followed by his rejection - not a future that you really want for yourself (right?). You can also help yourself through this by reaching out to- and spending time with- supportive people in your life, doing things that you enjoy, and doing things that are meaningful to you. Even though it might not feel like it now, with time and effort, you will move on to a happier future.
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
In situations like this, it can help to think about what you want in a partner and in a relationship. Then, rather than focusing on the good times, it can help to think about the ways that he has pulled you down and been anything but what you would want in a partner. As much as you might pine for the good times, they were always followed by his rejection - not a future that you really want for yourself (right?). You can also help yourself through this by reaching out to- and spending time with- supportive people in your life, doing things that you enjoy, and doing things that are meaningful to you. Even though it might not feel like it now, with time and effort, you will move on to a happier future.
 
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rohvannyn replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Agreed with what Dr. Becker-Phelps said. A questin I have is, could this man possibly be bipolar or something like that? Or have problems with depression? Or just have "up" and "down" moods? The reason why I ask is because when I am feeling happy, I am very inclined to be loving and caring. But when I am feeling depressed, the sheer hopelessness of life tends to make me very critical of myself and my partner. I'm not saying you should be around it if he isn't working on himself, but it could be a possible cause.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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Broken1015 replied to displaced83's response:
I agree.... He does take advantage of the fact that I've always been there. He's even admitted that he never looks at a breakup is a permanent thing because he know I'll be there. Once, ONCE, he said he felt like he'd lost me. And it scared him, but it didn't do much to make him realize what he had. His mom called me yesterday and checked in on me. I know she feels awful, and can't believe her son could be such a mess. She just wanted me to know that she and her husband would always love me and that I'll always be family. I'm grateful to have them, but wow, it hurts to talk to her. She's very careful not to talk about him, which is appreciated... I haven't spoken to him in about two weeks, although I did get a text from him asking if my daughter was okay. She was taken to the hospital and he found out. It was a very short text, I told him she had an appointment on Friday, and that was it. I really do deserve someone who cares. It just seems that I was always there for him, and when I need support, it's too much trouble. I'm just seeing him for the selfish person he is... And it hurts, but I'm trying....
 
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ThomasJ197438 replied to Broken1015's response:
I am 38 yr old male and I will tell you what I got from what you wrote. first of all I seen the ending about a quarter of the way through. He gave numerous bright red flags. he does seem like he has a fear of commitment but more than that he just wants to be single. I can almost promise you that there was someone else at times. not saying that he cheated but I can almost promise that he was talking to someone else and the times he was nice was the times that no one was there and when someone was there you took a back seat. You should have dropped him years ago you seem way way way to caring of a woman to put up with that. He knows what to say to you. it is time for you to take control of the relationship. next time he tries to come back say no... regain yourself do not let a man define you.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi, Broken

Don't be broken, be happy!!! You got rid of an immature boy, a real cad, and a huge JERK!!! Anyone who could treat another human being like that, deserves whatever he gets!

Stay away from this guy! You deserve soooo much better than that! I know from what you wrote that, you are a kind and caring lady! One who deserves to be the center of attention! Never compromise on what you want. Or need. If you find the right guy, you will be happy for the rest of your life. He is out there, go find him!

I wish you happiness, and peace!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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An_248371 responded:
Broken,

I agree with all of the posters; you do NOT need this man. You need to remind yourself that it's time that you look after yourself right now and MOVE ON from this guy. I know that your mix feelings will trouble you and being apart from him will feel like its the wrong thing to do because you are in so much pain BUT moving on from him is the right thing to do. Don't let yourself settle for this guy, you deserve MUCH better.

Good luck to you, stay strong, find someone you can trust to talk to about this and keep posting if you need to.

If the message in one of these postings means alot and is motivating to you, maybe you should print it out and keep it in your purse or somewhere where you could access it whenever you need to.

Keep your head up.
 
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Broken1015 replied to displaced83's response:
Thank you, and I know you're right. I really am trying, but I'm finding that the most difficult thing to get over IS all of the times he built me up. I realize that, for years, I was waiting for validation from him.... I should have been finding that from within and I wasn't. It's a hard thing to get over. I still feel hurt and lonely even though I have a tremendous support system. I'm trying to be kinder to myself and I am making more of an effort to spend more time doing the things I enjoy. Sadly, it's just not as much fun as it used to be... I'm hoping that will change soon. I don't really have much of a choice, these are the cards I was dealt, I have to find a way to play them.... It just really sucks right now.... One day, I'll wake up happy.... Even if its just for that ONE day. At least then ill feel like I'm making progress.
 
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dfromspencer replied to Broken1015's response:
Hi, Broken

Yes, you should have validated yourself, but he should have also!!! You will be happy, again! Sure, it may take some time, but you have that. Keep doing those things you enjoy, and in no time at all, you will forget about that cad, and enjoy life, once again!!! Yes, you will wake up happy, even if for only one day. Then, the next thing you know, you will wake up happy every day. One day, soon, you will find yourself another guy, a great guy! One who will put you on that pedestal, and love you for who you are, not what you can give him!

I am sending you all the strength I can afford, to help you get through this!

I wish you all the happiness in the world!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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Broken1015 replied to An_248371's response:
Thank you for your response... I am lucky to have some great friends and amazing co workers. They are all making it clear that they've got my back. I adore all of them for it. I'm still having trouble though. I try really hard not to let the "good memories" creep in.... But they do, and then I have to remind myself of the bad times, of the hurt I'm going through now and how hard it is to just get through a day. It's exhausting... Every other day I cry, and then there are days that I can get through. I try to keep busy and keep my mind off of it, but seven years kind of creeps in to everything. I just want it to stop. I feel like my life isn't mine anymore and like all I do is wear myself out. How do you make that go away? Sorry.... Rough night... Again....
 
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cocom814 replied to Broken1015's response:
Broken,

All of the confusion that you are going through is completely normal at the break-up stage. When I was going through that 3 years ago, I reminded myself that I am going to go through good days and bad days. If I was having a bad day I would tell myself, "today is a bad day and that is ok because I am allowing myself to vent. Tomorrow might be a good day." I also found it helpful to write in a journal (I threw this away sometime this year and it made me happy to let all that go!) my experience happened 3 years ago and I can honestly say that I do still hold some of that pain BUT I am A LOT better than I was. I'm telling you this because as cliche' as it is, TIME is what heals your pain. I also recommend finding that activity that when you do it, everything else is blocked out for a period of time. For me, that was running/walking and listening to my iPod. I am happy to hear that you have a good support system and hope that you are making ample opportunity to hang out with them any chance you get. If you have any more questions please feel free to post here.


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