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How to tell someone it might be over
Emilyw08 posted:
Ihave just gotten engaged to a man that I have been with for 2 and half years. Since the engagement I have been really unhappy and angry. Not everyday but alot. I think I know deep down that he is not the one but Ican't bring myself to talk to him. He is not affectionate at all and that is our number one prob;em. I have talked about this with him many times but nothing has changed. Am I right in feeling that he may not be the one? I also have a 4 yr old daughter who he loves very much and wants to adopt so this is extremely hard for me to figure out if I really still love him or if i love him because of my daughter.
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD responded:
My response has not shown up, so I'm reposting it - I apologize if it ends up being posted twice:

Deciding whether he's the one is a very personal decision. Affection is something that you obviously value and are saying you require in a relationship. So, the questions that come to my mind are:
1- Are you happy with him and your relationship in all other ways? Enough so that you would be happy to marry him if he were affectionate? You might need to imagine your daughter all grown up or away on some long trip- how would you feel about being with him?
2- You say you have spoken to him about this. Do you think you've done all you can do or are willing to do to address the problem? If you can't think of another way to address it on your own, is couple therapy something you are willing to try?

I hope these questions help guide you in making this very important decision. I wish you happiness in whatever you decide.
dfromspencer responded:
Like the doctor says, this is a personal decision. You have left some things out, for shortness of post, i presume? You state he is not affectionate, but fail to mention wheather he is loving, and sexually active? It just seems there is more to this than just affection?

You also have to remember, this is your life also. Not only for your daughters sake, but your own. Do you love him? Does he take care of your needs? You have been with him for over two years, was he affectionate befor? If he was, why isn't he now?

You are going to have to have more conversation with him, if you need to decide one way or another. Counselling may be a good thing to try?

Good luck!!!


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Dr. Becker-Phelps is a well-respected psychologist, who is dedicated to helping people understand themselves and what they need to do to become emotio...More

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