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Being "pushed" out of a relationship.
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urfaveflower posted:
I'm new here, and I want to thank anyone for their reponses about my problem(s) ahead of time.

To start, I've been with my SO for 2 years. We just moved in together a few months ago. He has a lot of abandonment issues prior to us getting in a relationship (his father left him at a very early age). When we first started dating, he was very self-assured-- almost borderline cocky. I hadn't been with someone before who was so confident, and it was a complete relief. I didn't have to "stroke" his ego, nor did I have to reassure him of my feelings for him. Everything was perfect until about a year ago.
He started getting over-protective, insecure, and I daresay posessive. When I asked him what changed, he said, "I dunno, I guess before I didn't realize how much I had to lose when it came to you." He further explained that I was the first person he was fully able to open-up to, and that in the beginning of our relationship, he didn't see "us" going very far.
I guess my outcry here is this: I'm overwhelemed. I have done everything in my power to reassure him that I'm not a cheater (never have been, never will), that he has no reason to be this insecure, and I have even suggested therapy (to which he replied, "I don't like involving other people in our business.") and he still persists. I don't even want to go home anymore, because it's getting to the point where I can't have "away time" from him, and he gets jealous when I get ready for work when I put makeup on! I just don't know what to do, but I am virtually exhausted.
...Help? Thank you!
Reply
 
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cocom814 responded:
I am sorry you are going through this because that is a terrible situation to be in. Has he been abusive towards you? Are you almost afraid of him now? Does he work? I think therapy is the ONLY solution at this point. He is going to "push" you out of this relationship without it. There's only so much of that behavior one can put up with before you realize you crave being AWAY from that person. What kind of relationship is that when it reaches that stage? Not an ideal or happy one, but one that becomes more stressful than its worth. Again I think you need to be upfront with him and tell him that if he wants to give "our relationship" any chance then we need therapy NOW because "our relationship" will not progress without it. Tell him that you were happy with your relationship in the beginning and now you are not. Both parties in a relationship need to be happy; if one or both are unhappy, that is a problem that needs to be addressed as in your case. If this relationship matters to him as much as it matters to you, then he will respect and accept your suggestion. If he waits too long, you might reach your point of no return with this relationship. Good luck to you and your decision.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
It sounds like you have reaced the end? Patience with someone can only be stretched so far. You have to make him understand how this is affecting you, and the relationship. Talk to him, again. If he cannot accept the fact that you need your own space, at times, then both of you need to go to therapy!!!

Therapy may be the only thing, at this point, to help your situation?

I wish you all the best!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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urfaveflower replied to cocom814's response:
Cocoom814: Thank you so much for your incite.
He's never been physically abusive to me, but psychologically he's a child. He turns things that I say back on me and tries to manipulate the situation until I feel like the bad guy for being "unreasonable." He accuses me of this all the time, and when I say that he's the first to switch a situation around, I'm being "ridiculous." He works full-time, and I think it's times when we're apart that he lets his mind go wild about what/who I could be doing. I know that there are always two-sides to one story... But I don't feel unreasonable by wanting him to feel secure in our relationship. I've tried so hard to reassure him. And last night, he went through my phone. I was confiding in my best friend, and he got upset. I'm afraid he's going to be this little boy forever. I love him, but I need some give and take.
 
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urfaveflower replied to dfromspencer's response:
Dennis:
Thank you for your kind words and advice as well.
I'm going to suggest couples therapy. I love him, and hope he loves me enough to try this. I just need to know if this can work or not. If it can't, I need to know now. It may sound childish, but I would be devastated if he wasn't in my life. I'm just hoping he can be the man I know he can, and the man I need him to be.
 
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gd9900 responded:
I agree that therapy may be the only saving grace at this point. I think he needs one on one therapy to help him understand where his fears stem from. If he is not willing to work on himself for the sake of his own happiness and a healthier relationship with you, you may want to consider getting out now. I say this because I married a "broken" man and after 9 years of marriage his unhappiness in his own life translated to an unhappy marriage and he divorced me. He had unresolved abandonment issues with his mother, and grew up with a controlling and manipulative father. We met shortly after he moved out from his fathers and he ended up severing that relationship a year before we married. I didn't understand the depth of those issues or how they affected him. He rarely talked about it, and any time I suggested therapy he wasn't interested. It's funny, in our relationship his behavior manifested in the opposite way - in the beginning he was insecure, and overprotective. By the end, he was reasonably self-assured and definitely cocky enough to do and say things that completely tore me apart. But his confidence was always fake. My guess is your BF's behavior changed because he didn't see things going in the direction they have, and because he values you in his life he is afraid of losing you and is reacting in the only way he knows how. What he needs is to find a way to address his fears and feel comfort in that. It's not fair for him to expect you to take that on and deal with it form him.
 
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urfaveflower replied to gd9900's response:
gd9900:
"My guess is your BF's behavior changed because he didn't see things going in the direction they have, and because he values you in his life he is afraid of losing you and is reacting in the only way he knows how. What he needs is to find a way to address his fears and feel comfort in that. It's not fair for him to expect you to take that on and deal with it form him.
Thank you so much. I think you hit the nail right on the head.
The thing is, I always swore I wouldn't marry a man like my father. Well, we aren't married, but it's like I found one who warped into my father. I always promised myself I wouldn' tb einvolved in a destructive relationship, but I've done it time and time again. Often, I've wondered if it is me. He's got such a good heart, but I wonder if he's doomed to be this way forever. Hopefully, thereapy helps.
 
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Mamihlapinatapai responded:
You just started living together? That explains a lot. I remember those times. They were hell. Give it some time. Living with someone is a lot different than dating them. Also, part of being in a long-term relationship is Trust. (I capitalized that intentionally.) He's thinks you're cheating? He needs to trust you more and stop acting like a child.
 
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An_251298 responded:
My boyfriend, now my husband, was that way after we moved in together. I tried everything I could to reassure him but the problem is you can't fix an internal problem with external reassurance. He was the problem, not me, so nothing I did fixed him. We got married 5 months after we moved in together. I gradually pulled away from all my friends because I couldn't deal with the drama that they caused between us. Instead of making him face his issues, I let his issues control our life. Instead of making him grow, I shrunk. Luckily, we had to separate for 3 months and it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn't know I was imprisoned until the doors were open and I walked out and saw the sunshine. Now my husband is back and I told him I won't EVER live like that again. Either he gets his stuff together or he can kiss this marriage goodbye. He's working on his issues now.

Don't lessen your life for the fears of another. No matter how much you love him, you can't fix him. His paranoia will only grow in time. He'll strip you of friends and family and it still won't be enough. I told mine to get real or get out. I would advise the same thing to you.
 
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dfromspencer replied to An_251298's response:
I am so sorry you had to go thru something like that!!!

The response you gave, is spot on!!! You cannot fix someone, they have to want to fix themselves!

I am so glad he has woke up, and is trying to fix his problems!

I wish you both, a long and happy life!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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jimblack responded:
Leave the scene, move one, find a suitable man!


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