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Loneliness
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Anon_11642 posted:
Hi - I'm 69 years old - live with my husband of many years but I still suffer from loneliness - I have some friends who are nice people but I seem to be the one to call especially with one friend - this one friend still works even though she is 73 and husband is 81 - whenever I bring up the subject of getting together it never materializes so trying to find new friends or focus on other things.

I do enjoy reading and knitting but need to do something where I see people more - Live in a small town about 4000 people - very clicky town where everyone knows everyone type of thing.

My husband goes to the farm to help our son a lot - I do have a daughter who lives 2.5 hours from here with 3 children so she is busy - I talk to her once a week but don't see her a lot - which is partly my fault as well as hers too - her busy lifestyle. I'm not too comfortable with driving on my own to her house but have done it but causes me a lot of anxiety - not used to city driving.

I wish I didn't have anxiety about a lot of things - that hinders me from doing more in my life.

Anyway, wondering if anyone has any suggestions. Mon, Tues, Weds and Fri I do get out with friends and these days are a few hours filled with church meetings, knitting groups, and lunch with friends on Friday.

I worry about something happening to my husband and then I'd be really alone - he has a heart condition but seems to be doing ok so far. I have a sister 1700 miles away but she is very active and busy with her family in a city where they all grew up - she doesn't have much time for me and for most of her life has given me the rush act - only 2 of us that's it - she knows this and talked to her about it and told her to call me only when she has time for me. Tired of being passed aside.

Anyway, hope this isn't too long - I thought about working one day a week at a newspaper office to type but haven't had the confidence yet to ask - am a good typist all my life and worked there many years ago - don't know what is the answer for my loneliness - it's a terrible way to feel.

Anyway, thanks for your ears. My husband and I seem to get along ok but no affection anymore in our marriage - it would be nice to get hugs sometimes but doesn't happen.
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dfromspencer responded:
Wow, I feel sorry for you. You live in a small community, that's not always a bad thing. But you have the same ol friends, and do the same ol things. Yes, it gets tiring. What you need, is a change. Go to that paper, and do your typing thing! Do what YOU want to do. Find some new hobbies. Try reading things you normally would avoid? Just doing different things, can make a huge difference.

As for your husband, some men like yours, just get tired of those lovey/touchy feely things. You need to make the moves, appearently? Talk to him!!! Tell him of your concerns. If he is anything like a normal guy, he is clueless as to how you expect him to be. We guys do not "Just Get You" just because we love you. Most of us guys, just don't have a clue! So, you take the lead, and talk to him, tell him what you want, and need from him. He will thank you for it, trust me!

And for that woman who is 73, well, appearently she doesn't feel the need to be as close as you would like her to be. Just accept her for who she is, and go from there. Take her friendship with a grain of salt. Do your best to be her friend, just don't over do it. Maybe she'll come around when she retires???

I wish you all the best!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to dfromspencer's response:
I agree with Dennis that it's important for you to do things you enjoy. I'd even go so far as to say that your hesitancy to do this might be your biggest obstacle. I wonder what keeps you from doing these things. What are your biggest fears/concerns/ insecurities. These are what you need to tackle. People often find that when they make a concerted effort to do this (focusing on one thing at a time -- best to start with most doable one) and they do it with support, small successes happen - and these multiply.

If you are comfortable doing so, you might want to share more here so that you can get support for such an effort. You might also consider therapy. But however you get help and support, the most important piece will be your commitment to face your fears.

I also wish you the best.
 
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sunflower1943 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thank you both for trying to help me - I analyzed what I was afraid of and what I'm afraid of is this - suppose they hire me for one day (which I doubt I could get) but just say they decided to hire me and I didn't like it - being in a small town everyone would know I quit -

I guess it boils down to one thing - I shouldn't let what people say bother me.

I just would want to do a good job - but again - don't know if they would hire me for just one day -

I may call and inquire via my cell phone as I think with cell phones there are no names - just your number show up correct?

Anyway, thanks for listening.
 
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LUVishere replied to sunflower1943's response:
for sure, do not let the people gossipping or saying that you quit, hinder you. You are 69, for Petes sake, you have the right to move, quit work, divorce or do anything that you feel led to do.. Youve earned the right to do soemthing for yourself. I think you should do new things, try the route to your daughters more often, you will get more familiar with the traveling, and thus feel less anxiety. What about volunteering at a hospital, or assisted living home? What about sitting with the elderly? They are needing a little help, and are lonely as well. Your church, most likely has small tasks that you can do, or people that need a meal or a visit, and that would make me feel wonferful. My mother is 77, and my father dies 6 years ago, They were married 54 years. We thought she was going to do, as she had never worked, and in fact she grieved herself almost too death.. NOT now. she says she's never been happier in her life! oh, and what about gardening? do you like flowers, vegtable gardens? meet someone new with similar interests, its a great therapy. Your the perfect age to really enjoy a fun filled leisurely lifestyle. I think you should speak more often to your children and grand children, for whatever reason, one a week on the phone, wouldnt be enough for me. Spend time with the grands as much as possible.. hope we helped you in some way.
 
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gd9900 replied to sunflower1943's response:
With regards to the original post, it seems anxiety is ruling your life...from all of what you said you allude to anxiety having a role. Have you sought out help to reduce this condition? One on one counseling is helpful for identifying the causes of your anxiety and determining mechanisms for dealing with an episode. There are also some very effective anti-anxiety medications available.

With regards to this job, I sense you are over-thinking an outcome. I understand you are afraid you might not like it and quit, but you are allowing other people make you feel afraid of that! What matters is how you feel about it. If you try and don't like it will YOU be ok with that? What if you try and do like it? How would you feel not trying, but knowing there's at least a 50/50 chance it could change something in your life? Maybe the not trying is holding you back in some way...if you try and find you don't like it there's a good possiblity a new door could open! The most important thing to realize is all of this thinking about it is futile if you aren't going to call and ask the question.

I'm a firm believer that what we do here on earth is what matters. This is the only life I have to live, and I intend to live it to the fullest out of respect for my very being. There is plenty I've been afraid of in my life, but I've found if I break my fears down into smaller, more managable, fears I become less afraid and more successful. Best wishes!
 
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Anon_11642 replied to gd9900's response:
Thank you so much both of you - I will take what you said seriously - I have had therapy a lot - actually am better now than I was years ago raising my kids.

I think I will call and inquire soon - glad I can come here to post anonymously which is great -

This is a great site and am thankful we have it.

I'll let you know what happens when I inquire. I did do something new - I took archery lessons and loved it with our rec center we have here but not sure what they are going to do so we can shoot - they have to get volunteers available to supervise us, of course, due to liability issues. Am glad I did try it and am going to take a social media workshop in a few weeks - 1/2 a day to help us with different computer programs.

Anyway - thanks again for your advice - this site is almost better than a friend due to anonymous -
 
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sunflower1943 replied to Anon_11642's response:
Just wanted to add another thing - we are in a drought where I live - I love gardening and do that too every year but this year before buying plants we have to check with our town - they did find a new source of water but we aren't sure yet if we can do outside watering - last year we were on stage IV and no outside watering was allowed.


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