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Hes so insensitive
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lissmeanstrouble posted:
I feel horrible today, I have made an appt to see my therapist this friday, and its like the appt couldnt come soon enough, I wish I had the option of just calling her and spilling all my thoughts and feelings and that she would have time to listen and fix me, but thats not happening.

My fiance and I have been going through a rough patch for like 5 months now, and everytime I think things are getting better they get bad again.

I am confused if its me or if its him, I have clinical depression and he blames just about anything I get mad at him for, on the fact I am depressed, and that is just not fair, he doesnt take into account that maybe he is treating me poorly, he is always saying I cook I clean I pay the rent what more do you want?
I want him to look at me when I am talking to him instead of looking at the tv with his arms crossed. Especially when I am talking about a sensitive or serious subject. His body language tells me he is not interested in what I am saying to him at all, and in general makes me feel as if he must not care about me, cause with out my thoughts and feelings I am just an empty shell of a person right?
I am also upset that he does not seem to share much of his past with me, This is a a red flag for a few reasons. Makes me wonder if he has something to hide, makes me feel as if I am not entertaining enough for him to talk to, like I bore him. Hes just really vague about things and Im thinking- we are engaged and live together and have been together for a year now, lets get to the knitty gritty get to know eachother stuff! Lets not do small talk anymore, lets talk about dreams and hopes, and plans, and fears, and failures, and everything, I want to know everything about him, and I want him to know everything about me, and I feel like he wants me to mind my business and shut up.

This is not how I want to feel about the man I am going to marry, nor do I feel its the right way to feel about the man your going to marry.

I am so afraid our relationship is going to fail, and now I am in too deep to recover. I am just so afraid of everything right now really. Were still not having sex. I dont know if its him or its me, It could be me, I dont feel interested really in having sex, I dont feel close to him, and I think my birth control pills I take for my skin are messing up my libido cause if he does try to have sex with me, I feel annoyed or just... disinterested, like the last thing I wanna do is get naked for him. He doesnt romance me like he used to and were not even married yet. It makes me wonder why hes holding onto me, to drag me along?
I am so sad and confused..
This whole argument today started cause I was a little sad my friend hung himself. he wasnt a super close friend at all but the idea of him hanging himself and not being found for a couple of days just makes me feel awful for him... and all my fiance had to say was "cheer up k!" In this monotonous tone that tells me he doesnt care and I am annoying him by still talking about it.
I told him he needs to work on his sensitivity and realize he is whats upsetting me not my depression and all he said was whatever.
Reply
 
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tmlmtlrl responded:
I can really relate to your thoughts. And being consumed by them and wanting some sort of answer or response in any direction!

I'm trying to keep in perspective that what you are saying about your relationship is being said at a "down" time and focused on the negative, but I can't help but wonder those typical questions: Why are you with him? Why are you getting married? Even though a year seems like a long time it really isn't. It's hardly enough time to really start to see someone's true self and bad behaviors.

Have you two considered premarital counseling? We had some with the Pastor that married us and his wife. We weren't active in the church either. But what we learned was very valuable. It wasn't necessarily about specific things happening in our lives. It was more about what we both wanted from a marriage, what value we put on marriage, and things like that. But the other thing about it was that a lot of stuff was questions he had us write answers to but the answers were for us. He wasn't discussing what was right or wrong but that what we wrote was our feelings about things and a chance to see that perspective (and expectations) about each other.

Never assume your expectations are known.

I know these are things that you would want from him by what you wrote. I don't think you're wrong for wanting answers about these questions either. I suppose it's possible some of it has been about your approach to the subject(s), but that doesn't make you responsible for his failure to communicate back with you.

I hope you're able to get somewhere with your counselor and that venting on here helped get some of it off your chest until then.

I want to say though that it's never too late and you're NEVER in too deep. It's not only not wrong to be questioning your future and what you're doing, but very healthy and in your best interest to have a healthy future.

I really hope you are not getting married anytime too soon. You have some bumps to smooth out before you make that kind of commitment with someone.

Remember that what you want out of a relationship is never too much to ask! You deserve your expectations of a partner to be made.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
Hi

Please don't feel confused, its all him! What you have described as your fianc?, is that he is a jerk, and insensitive. The way I see it, its a good thing you found this out now!!! Not two or three years after your marriage. Is there any way to change him? NO! YOU can never make someone change, they have to want to change. You can't fix him! Hopefully, a counselor could?

If I were you, I would write him a letter, telling him how you feel, and why you feel this way. Let him read it, then ask him if he would like to talk about it, or should you just go on and leave? In other words, put the ball in his hands. Men like to be decision makers, let him make this decision, see where it goes? You can also suggest counseling at this time. Hopefully, he will go!

TML has it right, never assume your expectations, or feelings are known!!! Your fianc? is in a very selfish mode, right now. He needs to grow up!!!

I wish you all the best! And please come back, let us know how you are doing? Also, I would like to say, I am sorry for your loss!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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lissmeanstrouble replied to dfromspencer's response:
Hey Dennis, and TML thanks for your replies!
I was very upset yesterday, as you can imagine. I feel much better today I talked to my fiance when I got home, and I actually printed off this very blog I wrote and read it to him, and tears started rolling down my cheeks and he jumped across the couch and held me, and then he started talking about alot of the things I have wanted to know, and he said he was sorry he makes me feel that way.
Gosh I learned alot of things about him, that help me make sense out of why he does what he does! And I said, see hunny, even though these are hard memories for you to talk about, and it makes you angry to think of these memories, its important that you tell me what I want to know when I ask so that I can understand you, I said that is why I have told you any story that I have good Or bad! I told him I want him to understand me, and for me to understand him he needs to share his past too. He kept saying its in the past if I bring it up all it will do is depress me! I want to leave it in the past! But I pressed on that he has to share with me his past or our marriage will not work.
He has a son with his first wife, he got married when he was 19 and she left him and made him sign his parental rights over to her new husband, and he has never seen that boy since. Im sure he was heartbroken and just doesnt want to say it to me, ya know, he has this tough facade he wants to hold onto. He has another son and a daughter, and he loves his kids, so I knew it was going to be hard for him to talk about, but I need to know! He is ten years older then me, I said thats alot of life to live and just not share with me. He told me he wont drink with me because he had an ex-girlfriend who was a raging alcoholic and he had to carry her out of the bar, and got in fist fights to protect her, even though she would be asking for trouble. He says thank goodness I am not an alcoholic, but now it makes sense to my why he wont even have just one beer he says it reminds him of her and all the fights and anger... and that makes sense! Because his reputation before me, was mister brewskis regular bar attendee, and I just couldnt make sense out of him not drinking!
He really is a good man, he MIGHT be able to go to my therapist with me, and Ill ask if she thinks we need premarital counseling. IDK guys, through all of this, I still think hes the ONE one. If the weather is wet tomoro he will be going to my appt with me, cause they dont pour concrete in the rain or snow...
I actually hung out with my ex-boyfriend I used to be in love with yesterday and it was even more confirming to me I should marry my fiance cause being around my ex didnt spark any of those old feelings, maybe its cause we were at the candlelight vigil but I think its cause I really love my fiance.
My fiance is making me a better person whether I had realized it or not, and some one like him is worth fighting for. We will probably have more argument but I am sure well work them out.
It really helps me alot to just come here and vent and reflect and get outside perspectives, so thanks so much for your time you took to reply to me
 
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dfromspencer replied to lissmeanstrouble's response:
Hi, Liss

Wow, that is so great!!! You actually printed off our reply's to you, and it worked? That is just soooo awesome!!!

Hey, you are soooooo welcome!!!! We are here to help you, anytime you need, ok??? Feel free to write anytime, for any reason.

I wish you all the luck in this world!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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