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my husband doesnt want sex in any form
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hopefulwife22 posted:
ive been married for almost 2 years. we have a four month old baby. since i was 7 months pregnant he stopped being sexual. since she has been born we have been intimate a few times with me initiating it. he wont let me touch him sexually. only willing to cuddle. he also doesnt sleep in bed with me. i often find him on the couch. he wouls rather masturbate in the shower..i delivered via c section so i know he isnt traumatized by the birth. also he never gives or receives oral sex.. i love him but feel like this is gonna be how life looks for us..me wanting intimacy and him not. any thoughts or advice?
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fcl responded:
Sit him down (not in the bedroom) and calmly ask him what has changed and why he doesn't want sex any more. It may be that he is simply terrified of another pregnancy so soon. It may be that he is seeing someone else. It may be one of any number of things. You need to start by getting the communication going soo... sit him down and talk to him. Don't accuse, don't point fingers, just calmly ask him.

If you have already done this, what did he say?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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hopefulwife22 replied to fcl's response:
I have asked him and he has said that he doesnt feel intellectualy connected. so i try and have deep conversations with him and still nothing! he stays up on the computer working and drinking beer, evey night. he has said he wants another baby now..makes no sense! i cant touch him sexually without a giggle or a im too tired...he has admitted to watching porn a few times to feel a connection which infuriates me because im so available. i am killing myself by trying to meet his needs while cooking his fav meals, cleaning, taking great care of our baby..talking about the universe cause he likes that...i have only 9 lbs left to lose from my pregnancy...i have been denied so many times by him..he wont let me touch him sexually and he wont touch me. when we do have sex its just the act. in out done...
 
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fcl replied to hopefulwife22's response:
He doesn't feel intellectually connected ... So what does he see as the solution? You're right, another baby would make no sense - it sounds as if he wants to give you something to do ... Try to talk to him and see if you (or rather he) can't come up with a solution.

I would be VERY bothered by the fact that he won't let you touch him and I'd be looking for a marriage counsellor in the region and making an appointment ASAP. Clearly, this is not going to get better on its own.

Good luck.
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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hopefulwife22 replied to fcl's response:
Thank You!!
 
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Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD replied to hopefulwife22's response:
Many people struggle with having sex after having a child, and this happens for many reasons. One common reason men struggle is that they have trouble relating to the mother of their child in a sexual way. For instance, the breast that was once central to sex now becomes the source of milk for their child. Perhaps this applies to your husband? In any case, if he is unable to talk in a way that makes sense to you about this, you might find couple therapy an effective way to work through this problem.
 
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hopefulwife22 replied to Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD's response:
Thank You!!!
 
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An_250877 responded:
My husband's the same, unwilling to cuddle, we don't have children together and REFUSES any counseling. Our marriage is civil. Anyone have ideas?
 
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fcl replied to An_250877's response:
Well, if he refuses counselling there isn't an awful lot left you can do. Is he just unwilling to cuddle or does he refuse any kind of intimacy? What does he say when you ask him why he won't touch you?

How long have you been married? Has he always been like this? Can you imagine living like this for the rest of your life?
There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.
 
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dfromspencer responded:
I was going to respond, but FCL, and Dr. Becker-Phelps already said what I would have. I never had that problem, my now ex-wife and I couldn't wait to have sex after our first child. We cuddled together constantly, and with the baby also. I just don't get what would cause your hubby to feel this way?

The only legit reason I can come up with, and I hope i'm wrong, but is he, or could he be having an affair?It may only be a computer affair, you know, with his porn viewing?

I hope he comes around for you, if not, make him go to a counselor.

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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dfromspencer replied to An_250877's response:
You need to talk to him. And talk to him, and talk to him. Communication is key here, I think? Why is he so unwilling to cuddle with you? Has he ever given you any reason? Does he have sex with you? How much? If he feels he's giving you enough love, he may not feel the need to cuddle, like you do, eh???

Myself, I absolutely love to cuddle!!! But when it comes time for sleep, I have to be left alone, or I get no sleep at all. I'm not entirely sure why that is, maybe I feel enclosed, or something? I am just not sure! I need help on that one! Any other time, I love to cuddle!

I hope you can get this figured out, and soon! I would NOT want to live with someone, without love and intimacy!!!!

I wish you all the best!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!
 
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rohvannyn replied to dfromspencer's response:
I hope you find a good answer. I wonder if leaving a sex toy out or making it apparent that you are taking care of your own needs (if you are, which I hope you are) might clue him in to the fact that you have needs too! Or cut off the internet subscription until he talks! He obviously needs something, has some emotional issue he isn't willing to talk about, or might even be having a form of depression. Hopefully you can work it out together. Let him know you love him and support him but at the same time you need certain things from him.
Roh

'Your focus determines your reality.' --QGJ
 
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An_250877 replied to fcl's response:
We've been married 9yrs, together 10yrs, he's 52 and I'm 50, he has not always been like this. Our first 2-3 years together we couldn't get enough of eachother, he would lay in bed with me watching t.v. while I fell asleep, and he hated being apart, the following year intimacy, sexual or cuddling, declined to mornings only, then was farther and fewer inbetween. I asked him why and he said it takes a little more now, I thought great more foreplay for me, but there wasn't any more foreplay. During this time we both initiated these things, mostly me although. I had to pick and choose certain 'activities' to ensure I would still get something.

Things got progressively worse, last year we were intimate(sexually) once, no cuddling at all, kiss good-bye and good-nite with occassional hugs, and hold hands sometimes going to or from a store or restaurant. Things were the same the year before that except we had sex atleast twice, maybe 3 times.

It does seem as though this is a natural progression of a relationship to an outsider, yet doesn't feel natural to me. In hind sight, if he's not getting the better end of the deal or it's not just about him or for him and his interests he becomes disinterested. It's obvious he has not matured or gained skills past that of a teen if you know what I mean. And if I ask him ever so gently to do something for me during, he takes it as an insult, that I'm critizing him, at that point forget about anything further.

When I spoke with his Dr, privately, about the aging male affects, my husband had told him there was no problem and so the Dr did not pursue any testing. So I asked my husband if there's no problem then why aren't things happening. He doesn't know. I ask him about his attraction or desire for me, he says he still has that. Again, why aren't things happening then. He doesn't know. And it angers me when in public he is somewhat drooling and embarrassing himself and me with his stares of and towards other women, then I start thinking 'there's no problem' and I'm not getting anything.

For almost the last 2 years he has worked 2nd shift, the year before that 3rd shift, so for about 3 years we have slept in different rooms, couple years before that 1st shift. I have always made myself available to meet his scheduling, even lying down next to him till he fell asleep as a comfort sense for him moreso than myself.

Our marriage has not always been civil. In the last few years I have done some research and did a verbal 'questionaire' with him. I've concluded he has NPD to which the reparative parenting steps I've learned has turned our relationship to being civil. Now I'm becoming convinced that the Madonna vs Whore complex also associated with NPD is haunting us.

As the original poster, I'm trying to maintain hope. Any further ideas about reconnecting?

And sorry for being long winded.
 
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An_250877 replied to An_250877's response:
With no replies, i'm coming to the conclusion that's he's having an affair. Would anyone wish to disagree with that assumption?
 
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dfromspencer replied to An_250877's response:
Not. From what you say, he has no problem as long as its not you he's looking at? I was going to say, marital boredom, but not now. My guess, he is having an affair.

Wow, I feel so sorry for you! I never had any probs like that when I turned fifty. Now at 54, I still have to use my little pill, but I still want to love, I still want sex as much as I can handle. So, for your hubby to act this way, something is going on. It may have been E.D. like with me, but if he drools over other ladies, then its not good for you!

Again, I am so sorry for you, and this situation you now find yourself in!!!

I wish you all the best!!!

Dennis
LIVE LONG, LOVE WELL!!!


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