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'Blind to Betrayal'
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD posted:
I was recently intrigued by excerpts that I read from the book: Blind to Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves, We Aren't Being Fooled. It answers why people would be blind to betrayal, how they do it, how it affects them, how they can learn to see again, and how they can heal.

Many people have difficulty facing personal betrayal because the implications of it can feel like too much. For instance, someone who was sexually abused as a child might deny this abuse as a way to just survive emotionally. Similarly, a woman might turn a blind eye to her husband's infidelity as a way to maintain a sense of stability in her life.

Blind to Betrayal also addresses what it calls "institutional betrayal." It explains that people often remain blind to the harm caused by trusted institutions, such as churches or schools.

The book emphasizes, though, that when they finally do face betrayal and work to heal from it, "it can blossom into hope and justice."

What have your experiences been with facing betrayal in your life? How have you seen others cope with this?

If you want to read more about book, check it out on Amazon or click on this link: Blind to Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves, We Aren't Being Fooled (by Jennifer Freyd and Pamela Birrell).

If you would like to read more in detail about this topic in my The Art of Relationships blog, click here .

Dr. Becker-Phelps's discussions and her responses in those discussions are for general educational purposes only. If you need help for an emotional or behavioral problem, please seek the assistance of a psychologist or other qualified mental health professional.

dfromspencer responded:
Hi, Dr. Becker-Phelps

You already know of my betrayal, but for those that don't, here goes.

I was cheated on by my now ex-wife. This happened less than one year into our marriage. I was attending an Army school so I could advance in rank. I was a lowly buck sgt. and wanted more for a family. It was while I was in this school, that she decided to betray me. The school lasts one month, and two weeks in, I find her gone. After calling all our friends, one heard something about her and a motel. I called this motel, and using a ruse, I found her. I went there immediately to confront the both of them. The cops showed up at exactly the same time I did. I think the motel employee knew something was up, and called them?

My wife was so ashamed, and embarrassed, that she would not even come out. She sent this guy out, and I wanted to kill him! The police of course, would not let me touch him. So, I called him every name in the book, told him that an honorable man would never do such a thing, and I left.

The wife showed up a few minutes later at our house. I told her I never wanted to see her again. She was packing her clothes when my friends started calling. They were all very adamant that I should give her another chance. I thought about that, and agreed. I thought that I had forgiven her, but I could not get that out of my head. This eventually led to our divorce.

I suppose you could say that it blossomed into hope, and maybe even justice? I know she hoped I would forgive her, and so did I. I think the justice part was her never doing something so incredibly stupid again? I feel that my true justice was in my divorce? I let her keep everything, even the kids. The kids messed with her job so bad, she finally asked me to take them, and care for them, I did. I had my babies from the time they was born, to the time they were 11, and 10, and one visit to their moms, she kept them. I fought for a year, and $7000 dollars later, all to no avail, she kept them.

To this day, I feel like maybe I never really forgave her? I know i'll never forget!!! Perhaps she is the one who got the justice? I just became angry and bitter.

Thanks for this topic, it sure has made me think about truly forgiving her. Why shouldn't I? Its been so many years ago now. Time to forgive her, and move on!!!


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